Lina
- Date posted
- 5y
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
Hey, stop checking how you feel from the thoughts. Stop making analysis based on your conclusions from the checking. Whatever fucked up carrousel you're on, it doesn't look like it's a whole lot of fun. Not checking and analysing may feel like you're doing something wrong, but it will help the thoughts to quit. Would you rather have HOCD or be gay and ok with it? If the answer is gay then you need to start doing treatment. Because you don't get answers by doing compulsions, they come to you once you've treated your OCD and things feel clear again. If you treat the OCD, then whatever sexuality it turns out you're left with, you'll feel fine about it and will know that you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, and you'll get your life back. On the extraordinarily slim chance that it turned out you were gay, you wouldn't have OCD so you'd be fine with it, you'd both enjoy the thoughts and fully know that you DO want to be with women. You'd be a different person to the current you who *doesn't* want to be with women but gets or brings up the thoughts and decides she has a sexual response to them. Either the bit about what you know you want magically changes, creating a perfectly happy gay Lina, or you continue to know you don't want to be with women and you don't get many or any instrusive thoughts about women and don't check your reaction to see if what you know is somehow wrong, instead you trust yourself. You wouldn't have this intense jarring disconnect that's causing you so much pain. If you keep doing your OCD you're going to keep suffering. At some point you have to take a leap of faith and commit.
LinaLina
- Date posted
- 5y
I'm trying so hard too I really am. My ocd has never been this bad before and it has never felt this convincing. I'm trying to take that leap of faith and accept the presence of the thoughts and feelings, etc. The thing that is stopping me though is when I'm done with hocd will I find out I'm bisexual. That is my main concern. It feels like the probability of it happening is super super high so it keeps me in the cycle. I wish I was strong enough to push through but I'm not.
takingmylifebacktakingmylife...
- Date posted
- 5y
@Lina I feel this exact same way
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
@Lina But Lina that's everybody's concern. And you don't even think there would be anything wrong with you being bi, it's the fears of having to do or be something you don't want which make it scary. You have to have a little faith that the black and white of your fear and the way it seems to threaten to make you do or be stuff you don't want, is going to go away. If you did treatment and learned to live with the uncertainty of not knowing whether there is something about your sexuality that you're not consciously aware of or aren't embracing, you'll be in a much better position to apply logic and understand that making the choices you want in your life is a much better way to be true to yourself than investigating your fear is. Having any attraction towards women at any time or context wouldn't "make you" bi, you get to decide how you identify and you get to choose what your life looks like. I know it feels like doing your OCD is a better choice than living without it but "having to" make sexual or romantic choices you don't want to make. But you're never going to be forced to do those things. You WILL be able to survive the uncomfortable feelings of not knowing for sure whether you'd be happier living as a lesbian despite being pretty sure you aren't gay. The discomfort of not knowing if you're doing the right thing goes down and down and down when you do treatment. Treatment doesn't play OCD's game to give you a black or white answer according to the black and white way you think about it. Instead it takes the emotional power out of the whole thing so that you can be open to grey areas and makes your black and white question disappear in a puff of smoke.
LinaLina
- Date posted
- 5y
@Scoggy I appreciate you giving me such in-depth comments. I'm sorry for the spam of posts. I'm in a bad state of mind right now. I'm hoping to beat ocd.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
@Lina You don't need to apologise, I like to think I wouldn't comment if I was mad at you. I just so wish you could summon up the courage to just try it out and see how it goes. I know that you'd quickly see you're stronger than you currently feel. People without OCD don't suffer the way you're experiencing about uncertainty about their sexuality. When they get curious about their sexuality, they're not investigating groinals or testing themselves and checking for stuff that goes against what their mind says. They don't experience distress or concerns of being forced into things they don't want. So whether you are completely straight or not, there's a whole life without OCD waiting for you, where you don't feel awful all the time. If you do treatment and then want to look at your sexuality, you'll see all the grey areas AND you'll be free to just choose the life you want. If that sexuality might ultimately have anything related to women in it, that's not going to cause you distress. If there's not going to be any distress then it's not something to fear. The idea of being bi is terrifying to you based on how you feel about it being forced on you now. Any post-treatment realisations are almost certainly going to involve shades of grey, and would be definition not be forced on you, they'd be yours to do what you want with. You just want to have a sexuality and know about it and be ok with it, right? That's what you get by doing treatment.
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