The more I don't react to the thoughts the more they feel real and true, and like I like and want them. I seriously don't know how I'm going to go on. This is too much at times.

I'm experiencing the feelings of it feeling true but also thoughts.

@Lina What do you mean by feelings of it feeling true? I don't feel like the grass is green, or blue. I think that the grass is green and I think it's not blue. What is the experience of something feeling true? Feelings and thoughts are different things. You need to seperate them by identifying your emotions and identifying your thoughts. That way you can process the emotions without involving the thoughts.

@Scoggy Like my emotions or reactions it feels like I like it. Someone with pocd said that it was like feelings of pleasantness yet he didn't want to be with children. That is what it feels like to me. I don't know how to decipher my emotions.

@Lina I feel the same thing but I read the post of Chrissie Hodges and I understand https://www.instagram.com/p/B_-hBSAD0k7/?igshid=9z8azh6k7lmb

@Lina I promise you can decipher them and it's important to do so. Ok, so he experienced feelings of pleasantness, or feelings which he interpreted as pleasantness. Which made him have the thought that he liked it, and that thought was perhaps very convincing because it provokes a lot of fear and shame. So the same for you? You have experiences of some emotions or sensations (feelings) which you analyse or interpret (compulsion) as being evidence for the truth of your fear (thought). Deciding that it seems likely is the thought which is caused by your cycle of initial intrusive thoughts/feelings/worries and your rumination/checking/analysing compulsions. Your conclusion of "I think this may be true" immediately makes you feel anxious, guilty, upset, afraid, nervous, trapped, confused, probably a few other emotions, too. Those feelings are so attached to the thought that it gives the thought a lot of power to get your attention, they make it seem very vivid and threatening. But ultimately, it's still a thought. It feels real because is has so much meaning for you. When I worry about harm happening to other people, and I spend a long time imagining all the ways that my dad could get sick from coronavirus, it begins to seem very realistic and likely. I can't seem to argue away the thoughts, because it looks like they're based in solid reasoning. I get afraid to stop thinking about it, because if I stop thinking about it then I might miss an opportunity to prevent it. I can think myself to the point of panic, being absolutely sure that it's only a matter of time before my dad gets coronavirus and dies. It seems like an immediate threat, because it's personal, I did the logic myself and can't find flaws in it, even if I reassure myself I end up thinking of another way it could happen, and I end up feeling the same way as you: it feels true, it feels like it's about to happen and I have no control and I'm doomed. That's both feelings and thoughts. I think that it's about to happen. I feel emotions of fear and anxiety and impending doom. The reason it seems so real and true is because I've imagined it in detail and been thinking of it as an imminent risk that I need to prevent. Reality? My dad will die sometimes. He might even die of the 'rona. The thoughts can be vivid and seem to have their own concrete presence because they're so dominating and threatening and you're constantly dancing around them and entertaining them. But it doesn't make them any more real or true. The fact that I worry about my dad and my worry feels very realistic isn't extra evidence for the idea that he will get sick. He's either going to get sick or he's not. On balance, probably not- but I'm not going to have a clue how likely it really is unless I can stop obsessing over the possibility. The way to stop suffering is to feel feelings, without thinking thoughts. The quality of 'realness' to your worry, is experienced by you as a combination of thought ("oh god I think that's true") and feelings (anxiety, dread, dead weight in your stomach, panic, desperation)... Feel those feelings. Work in layers. Let them happen in your body without doing anything about them, think as little as possible and focus on the body sensations- all of which you can survive. You were built to feel and survive the experience. No compulsions, dismiss the urges and stay in your body. Then you'll be left with the thought: "I think that's true", but it won't be causing the horrible feelings anymore. Sounds like a scary place to be, right? It's just the first layer, it's not where you're going to end up. You'll be able to see that the "realness" quality is a little less vivid, it's not causing the same panic anymore and it seems a bit suspicious. You'll wonder if I'm right about the fact that doing compulsions makes it feel more real, it's not a reliable measure of the fear's own truth. From that point, apply the same thing to all intrusive thoughts which cause uncomfortable feelings and urges to do your compulsions. Identify the feelings if you can (anxiety, nervousness, fear, shock, sadness etc), and feel them through in your body until they're gone. Soon enough, after time spent not doing compulsions, the thoughts will not seem so real at all. That's not the moment to start reassuring yourself again and fighting the content of the thoughts. You have to stick with feeling. After that is the time to start absorbing some of the wisdom people have shared with you here about the fact that your life is your domain and your choices are your own, that you are under no obligation to be with a woman even if you ever were super into one, etc. Your fear is of being forced into a life you don't want. Treatment isn't going to turn you gay. It's going to shrink down all that noise from what-ifs and testing and analysing, and give you a lot more confidence in the part of yourself which is in opposition to the thoughts and is terrified of the meanings you've attached to them. If at the end of treatment you were to 'turn out to be' bi, it would be because, after fully processing and quitting all your compulsions, and after the thoughts have dramatically reduced and they don't seem so worrying, that part of you which truly is you has actually absorbed the message that you wouldn't have to act on it/never marry a man/fantasize/sleep with women/join LGBT clubs or whatever else is scary for you about the fear. See, it would go hand with acceptance and a feeling of safety. If you really deeply knew that stuff, knew that you would never have to do or be anything against your will, then you wouldn't have a fear of being bi, and THAT'S the place where an acceptance of whatever ***genuine, non-anxious, non-hocd-related*** arousals/attractions you may have or had, could happen. It wouldn't be an acceptance of a terrible fate the way it is now in your head. It would be comfortable the way it is for others. No being forced into a life you don't want, whatsoever. It's just an extra little thing which could theoretically come at the end of your journey which would make less than 0.1% difference to your life in any way because you wouldn't have an obsession about it any longer. It wouldn't give you more intrusive worries. It wouldn't seem to threaten to control your actions or choices. Life is so much bigger than the tiny cramped box of one narrow obsession you've been cramming yours into. There's jobs, family, activities, aspirations, learning, friends, experiences, you're missing out on them all right now, but with treatment they'll come back, and your sexuality will go back to being a very minor thing, without it having any control over what your life is like or what you spend your thinking time on.

My thoughts relate to my sexuality.