Sometimes my OCD makes my parents very angry. It bothers me so much. Cause i dont want to have this thoughts. I dont want to be this way. I used to hate the way my father looked at me when i did my ocd rituals. I thought i see shame in his eyes. When i was in school. Every time i did my rituals I felt ashamed of what i was doing infront of others. It hurted so much. I so wanted to stop this. I just hated the way i looked. It just feel bad when my mother says "your driving me crazy" or " what have i done that you became like this" or "i wish god kill me" when she is bothered by my ocd. Or when they shout at me. I feel so bad. Cause i dont want to be this way more than anybody else. Im trying and i have improved so much. Im still trying. But my mother constantly put me under preassure for going to my therapist. I think she dont like her because she expect therapy to work fast.

harm ocd is the bane of my existence. people always tell me that if you have anxiety over a thought, that’s ocd. and these intrusive thoughts cause me IMMENSE anxiety. i’m constantly looking for reasons why i’m not what these thoughts tell me i am. but WHY DOES IT FEEL SO REAL?? it’s like i can’t reassure myself that this isn’t me and i don’t want to do it, but i also look for reasons why it’s not me. my brain is constantly telling me “if you don’t act on this, you’ll never feel free”. WHAT EVEN IS THAT?? and why does it feel real?? anytime i think about getting therapy, i constantly think that it’s not going to help me positively but help me realize i am this person. i just wish someone with harm ocd could get into my brain, understand me, and tell me everything will be okay. i wish someone in recovery could tell me that they’ve been where i am, felt the same feelings, thought the same thoughts, and got through it when they thought they wouldn’t. i feel like i’m drowning in it. another thing is i think about how my mom knows a surface level understanding to this form of my ocd, but if she knew it all, i’m scared she’d never look at me the same. i’m scared she’d be scared of me and think i need psychiatric help. IM TERRIFIED.

So I recently got diagnosed with ocd, and due to me growing up in a household who doesn’t believe in it I have an even harder time grasping if it’s a real diagnosis or not. I know it is but my parents still get mad at me when I tell them not to reassure me and things like that, since they don’t want to understand me anytime. They always put the blame on me and they do everything and how I’m ungrateful. I am very greatful but I told my mom to try to understand this condition but she refuses to, my dad just completely ignores that it exists. It’s just hard to cope around it and not be stuck in a loop, I’m leaving in a few months after graduating so hopefully that will help. It’s hard when my parents don’t want to try to understand what I go through.

Yesterday I had a panic attack from OCD fears. I live alone, so in my panic I called my mum just to get some emotional support. It did not go well. I was asking for reassurnce to much and basically she got annoyed with me and started to chastise me. She said I was being ridiculous and accused me of just making up my symptoms to emotionally manipulate her. She even went as far as threatening to call the police on me to have me sectioned. I feel so humiliated. I know that I can be annoying during my panic attacks, and that my OCD puts a massive toll on my familiy. But I don't want to manipulate people. Now, I feel like an abuser. In these moments, seeing how much my weakness makes my family suffer makes me just want to not be here anymore.