Having a hard day. This morning I was feeling fine, I knew in my heart & mind that I only want a guy. But just this afternoon my thoughts came back with full force and I feel gay, like it's feels so real. I'm thinking of so much stuff I feel like I'm in compulsory heterosexuality. My brain tells me I'm not straight anymore and that hate men. Someone help :(

I would like some company, I feel lonely in this mess. I feel terrible :(

@sanzida? I'm here ?

@penguinfloof Thank you :). My brain has convinced me I'm gay and that I should come out. I'm literally drained from my thoughts though I haven't done anything today. I don't feel good. I feel bad looking at everyone. Doesn't matter which gender. Even guys are making me anxious that I don't like them anymore. I'm afraid I'm gay :(. It draining me out, I'm in the verge of crying and I feel so sick

@sanzida? You're welcome! What do you do to let your throughts run another way? Anything mindless you can watch on TV or a favorite movie?!

@penguinfloof I'm just doing assignments and I feel a bit okay :(. The whole day I spent lying in bed doing literally nothing except watching my phone

@sanzida? Oye, that could go either way. I've spent too much time doing that too. I've been trying to watch more anime to help me but sometimes it doesn't get me anywhere.

@penguinfloof Yeah. Damn you just reminded me I haven't watched anime in a long time. But for a good reason too :(. Wish I could watch anime and be the same like before :(

@sanzida? I've been watching one named Orange on Crunchyroll. Some of them are fantasy based, so gender roles aren't there? Idk if that'd help not. I usually just get in my feels with them :/

@penguinfloof Ooh thanks for the suggestion, I might watch the first episode unless I don't get too triggered ?

@sanzida? If you do watch it, let me know what you think! It's a little sad but I read the complete manga within a weekend!

@penguinfloof Well how do I find you on this large platform? ? Lol. Do you have insta?

@sanzida? I do, but I only give it those I know. :/

@penguinfloof It's okay I'll let you know if I ever find you :)

@sanzida? My username is easy to remember on here! I enjoy talking to you tho!

@penguinfloof Aww thank you, I'll try to find you once I watch the episode haha. I really enjoyed talking to you too ☺️

@sanzida? They're about 25mins each so they aren't long.

@penguinfloof Oh that's gonna be even better :D. I'm planning to watch it today ?

@sanzida? Sounds like a good plan! I'm planning on finishing the series today! ?

@penguinfloof Ohh that's so great ?. I still haven't started lol. I'm procrastinating to watch an anime too ugh ?

Yeah it would haha, I'll actually go do that lol. Do you watch a lot of anime?

@sanzida? Lately I have been only because I've been recovering from a surgery last week & since I've been out of work in between applying for jobs. What do you typically watch?

@penguinfloof Japanese video games mostly. I used to be into anime a lot but then after OCD happened I stopped watching it since it triggered me. But I miss watching it and I'll get back to it. Also the plot of orange seems very interesting :D. I'm gonna watch it tonight hehe

@sanzida? I understand that! A lot of the plots I read sound good but the show drags or is slow or I just lose interest. I forget if I said it already but I read all the mangas in this series within a weekend!

@penguinfloof Wow that's impressive ?. I can't even read my class notes propely ?

@sanzida? Anxiety/PTSD/ADHD medicine has its perks sometimes

@penguinfloof Damn that's a lot of medicines :(

@sanzida? It's actually just one pill that covers all of them.

@penguinfloof Ohh okay. How long have you been watching anime for?

@sanzida? Maybe a few months? My list is very long! I'm new to it ha

@penguinfloof Damn I've been in it for a year but then I stopped :(. I have missed so many episodes and new stuff ?

@sanzida? Same! I knocked out my hero academia a few weeks ago & I want the next season to come out already!

@penguinfloof Omg I know!! MHA is so addicting. I also ship uraraka and deku but idk if something is happening. I stopped at season 2 :( but I wanna get back to it after recovery

@sanzida? Ah yes! The 4th season is really good! I can't wait for you to watch it!

@penguinfloof Awww thank you!!! I really want to watch it but I forgot how the plot line goes ? like I have to watch it from start or look up summary :(

@sanzida? I had to start over too. It's frustrating when you have to do that with shows; I had to do it with a handful of shows unfortunately. Since I've been recovering from surgery, I've had time but I still need to out in job apps. :/

@penguinfloof Damn that's bad :( I have to do that with Naruto and MHA. Like I forgot some key plots that I know will matter in the future. OCD had made me forget literally everything ugh ?

Oh I'm sorry. Naruto is actually good. First time I watched it, it put me through a lot of emotions. The plots are veryyy good and is very interesting. 10/10

@sanzida? It's one of the longer animes isn't it?

@penguinfloof Yeah almost 100+ episodes

@sanzida? ? goodness! That's so many! After reading Sailor Moon, I started on those originals. Then I learned Sailor Moon Crystal had less episodes & closer to the manga so I switched ha

@penguinfloof Ikr same! I have to watch sailor moon crystal again though :(. I forgot some stuff but I'm afraid of my hocd. You know how haruka and michiru have romance scenes? It triggers the fuck out of me :(

@sanzida? I'm sorry :( just take everything at your own pace ?

@penguinfloof Yeah :(. It's kind of getting to the point where I'm triggered by even something that is straight. I feel like I wanna be the guy in everything :(

@sanzida? :( are you able to get help for those things?

@penguinfloof I'm seeing a therapist but she didn't diagnose me properly, I'm scared to tell my other obsessions on here since I'm not diagnosed and I feel invalid. She keeps talking about sexual fluidity and that scares me :(

@sanzida? Maybe she sees it more?

@penguinfloof What does she see more? Me being sexually fluid??

@sanzida? Yeah, maybe she sees it more of that than the type.of OCD? Idk.

@penguinfloof Oh- :(

@penguinfloof Wells that's a bit upsetting :(

@sanzida? I'm not saying she does. You could ask? Have you told her that it seems like you have that type of OCD instead of what she's calling it?

@penguinfloof Yeah I did tell her that I'm scared to be homosexual. She said I could be OCD or just overthinking. I don't feel comfy listening to that :(

@sanzida? Oh dear :/ yeah I can definitely agree with you feeling that way :/ it's that way during my therapy sessions as well at times

@penguinfloof Phew I'm glad I can relate a little bit heheh

@sanzida? Oh definitely! Sometimes when mine goes on mini rants, even if they're informative, I'm half tempted to tell him.to stop

@penguinfloof Yeah haha me too

@sanzida? I'm just like 'yeah that's what you said last time, yada yada' and most of the time that works

@penguinfloof I'm too afraid to say that lol. I feel like they'll freak out at me :(

@sanzida? I don't see why they would

@penguinfloof I'm thinking of quoting therapy. Mine triggered me too much ?

@sanzida? Maybe a different therapist?

@penguinfloof Maybe, the one that was providing money for my therapy said he'll look more into it. He said even he doesn't like my terrorist a whole lot lmao ?

@sanzida? Ha well that's good I suppose?

@penguinfloof I meant therapist* not terrorist. I'm so sorry for that mistake ?

@penguinfloof Also yes him not liking her is good cause then I'll can reason and convince him. I mean I already did but if I have to pursuade more yk?

@sanzida? No worries, I knew what you meant! Ahh that's true. Maybe do some research online?

@sanzida? Research to find another therapist so you can be like this person says they specialize in xyz which I feel like I have, kind of thingn

@penguinfloof Ahh okay then, yeah sure we'll do that :D. Thank you for the tips!!

@sanzida? You're welcome! Hmm notifications arent working still for whatever reason. I'm sorry for the delays!

@penguinfloof It's okay haha, reply to me anytime you want ?

@sanzida? It finally worked but I believe we're In different time zones

@penguinfloof Yes we are

@sanzida? I thought so early on but wasn't sure!

@penguinfloof Haha

@sanzida? How are you?

@penguinfloof I'm not that good :(. What about you? :)

@sanzida? I'm okay. I couldn't stay asleep last night so I just woke up not too long ago, trying to get food & something in me to start the day :/

@penguinfloof Oh Im sorry :(. Hopefully you will be alright. I couldn't get sleep today either. Woke up in a panic that I'm not worrying about being gay :(

@sanzida? Ever since my surgery 2 weeks ago, Ive had a hard time sleeping. It's sucky

@penguinfloof I'm sorry, hopefully you get more sleep!!

@sanzida? I hope so tonight I do yes! How's your day?

@penguinfloof Not good at all, I was feeling confident in me being stil straight and now somebody just called me gay. I can't keep calm ?

@sanzida? Why did they do that?

@penguinfloof They asked if I get groinal responses and if I get arounsed by men or women. I said "I do get groinals, and I'm not aroused by men anymore (because of loss of libido and sex drive). And they go on to say, "oh ok you're gay, you can't give up"

@penguinfloof Like wtf am I supposed to think of that??? I don't wanna be gay, I've always been straight since I was a toddler, how the fuck did I turn gay out of nowhere?? I'm so scared wth

@sanzida? There are a lot of reasons as to why you may not be turned on by men or women.

@penguinfloof I was turned on by men!! After hocd I've lost it!! Completely!! Wtf are you trying to tell me I'm gay too?

@penguinfloof I'm not turned on by women at all, I never have been turned on by them in any way!! They feel... disgusting ugh

@sanzida? Sometimes people just have a low sex drive, one of the reasons.

@penguinfloof I had a high one before hocd, but I lost my libido and sex drive altogether. I sometimes get them back but most of the time I don't have it and I feel bad. I just wish I could go back to being straight and in love with men and never having to worry about being gay. I don't want to be gay, it doesn't feel right:(

@sanzida? Mine went away due to one of my medicines & it's just like eh, it's sucky yeah. It has its moments where it'll peak but 70% of the times it's low or just not there so I get it. It's something you can't just force. Stress, meds, life events, and many more can cause it go away but it'll come back

@penguinfloof Hopefully, I really really want it bad!! :(

@sanzida? Me too, so I understand that

@penguinfloof Mhm :(. I just wish I could be straight again!!

@sanzida? Actually not be cause I am but I just want my libido and those sweet sweeeet feelings back

@sanzida? I understand. It's the same for me at times too. Right now, I'm recovering so I can't do anything for a few more weeks and little things tire me out

@penguinfloof I feel like I don't want to be straight anymore ?. I feel so sad, my brain says I'm not straight anymore :(

@penguinfloof Like literally an hour ago I wanted a guy to touch me and flirt with me but now I feel like I want a girl. I feel like I want s relationship with a female. I'm so paranoid of everyone, every girl seems like a lesbian :(

@penguinfloof Also hope you recover soon ?

@sanzida? What helps you clear your mind from those thoughts? Even if it's a temporary thing?

@sanzida? Thanks! 6 hour surgery so it'll at least be 6 weeks.

@penguinfloof My thoughts always stay, I can't do anything to calm down side it feels real. I feel like im a lesbian pretending to be straight. It's making those statements like thoughts and they are stressing me :(

@sanzida? In the past, what has helped?

@penguinfloof I have no idea what to do, I feel so much like a lesbian, it doesn't feel good or nice. I just want to think of a guy for once. I feel like I'm pretending to straight because of society or other external factors but im really not but I feel like I am in the closet or something. The thought is making me feel kind of dizzy

@penguinfloof Idk looking at guys or reassurance that I'm still straight, I reassure by checking it reviewing my past, checking my sexual history, thinking of guys and comparing it to gay thoughts etc.

@sanzida? That does sound like it'd make me dizzy too. I'm sorry I'm probably not helping much :( are you able to color, write, work on a puzzle or anything to help your thoughts leave or not be so heavy?

@penguinfloof Yeah sure that would maybe help I'll try that :D. Thank you!!

@sanzida? You're welcome. Like I said, I'm sorry. I probably aren't helping that much. I know thoughts are hard to leave and it's easier said than done just to say, just don't think about it, and I get like that too when I worry and worry about my girlfriend's safety. (Btw I don't mind you talking to me about what you have been, even with me not being straight; sorry if that wording is bad.)

@penguinfloof I thought you were straight this whole time goodness haha. No it's okay, it's a great exposure for me to talk to someone gay though I get anxious. Also you are helping don't worry :)

@sanzida? Ha no worries. Good! I hope I am

@penguinfloof Yes you are hehe!!! :)

@sanzida? Good! How's your day?

@penguinfloof Um not that great but it's okay I guess. I mean I still feel like i like girls and I havent been getting feelings towards guys. I feel nothing towards them anymore and i feel upset. Like I'd be biromantic or whatever but being bisexual/gay scares me :(

@sanzida? I get it scares you. Tbh during my little "wondering" period, inwss so confused & all. I actually went through some of the similar feelings, not feeling scared, but the constant questioning

@penguinfloof Well now that you said it that is scaring me even more :(. I'm not confused but I am very scared because since I was a toddler I was always straight, loved guys, wanted to be with them, got wet from them and all that and to suddenly change is scaring me. I feel numb now but I'm still very scared ?. Actually I'm sweating after you said that and wondering if that applies for me and I'm scared. Btw did you ever like boys a lot?

@sanzida? Correction: I am confused and scared but I'm sure that at the end I might either turn out straight or maybe biromantic. But I definitely do not want to become bisexual/gay. That's the thing that scares me the most :(:(:(

@sanzida? My gf now is my first one. Before that, I've only been with guys. I just got to the point where I wanted to explore more, kind of thing.

@penguinfloof So you're bisexual?

@penguinfloof Sorry I'm being so nosy into your personal life and orientation but im just asking to know if I'm like you though I'm extremely scared, I guess I'm asking as a form of reassurance/compusion. Extremely sorry :(

@sanzida? No need to be sorry! For about a month, I said I was bi & now I just say Lesbian. Im insanely in love with my girlfriend.

@penguinfloof Oh umm okay, did you ever like guys? Like did you have a lot crushes on them?

@sanzida? Yeah, this is my first gf. I oy had boyfriends before

@penguinfloof Only*

@penguinfloof So we're you comfy with guys? Like you liked them, loved them etc? I'm scared rn cause I love guys a lot and u don't wanna date a girl in the future at all :(

@sanzida? I* not u

@sanzida? Yeah, I was comfortable with them & everything.

@penguinfloof I'm afraid I'll become like you in the future...fuck ?

@penguinfloof I'm genuinely concerned I'm gonna become like this!!! Like I'm just hoping and praying so much I don't. Please don't take this offensively but I'm genuinely scared...

@sanzida? I know you don't mean harm by it

@penguinfloof Thank you, I'm just scared, very scared. I just cried for 30 minutes thinking I'll become exactly like you :(. Like my heart's pounding and I feel dizzy :(

@sanzida? It's okay ? it'll be okay ?

@penguinfloof Hopefully :(. I can't believe that I was once a biromantic kind of feel terrible ?

@penguinfloof Like why do I have to go through with this, I just wish I was stilk normal :(

@sanzida? Nobody is normal. Everyone is unique

@penguinfloof I didn't mean it in that way. I meant like I still wish I had my straight desire that I want so much. My natural, beautiful and peaceful desires. Ik everyone is unique

@sanzida? Ahhh I gotcha! Sorry, my brain is mush tonight for whatever reason

@penguinfloof It's okay, you must be sleepy

@sanzida? That and I've been like that all day

@penguinfloof Oh okay

@sanzida? I'm so tired today

@penguinfloof It's gonna be okay, take some rest

@sanzida? I was up early for a post op appt & now I'm just blah

@penguinfloof Oh I see, take some good rest you'll be alright :)

@sanzida? Yeah, I slept like a rock

@penguinfloof That's good :)

@sanzida? I agree! I just wish I would start asleep

@penguinfloof "Start asleep"?

@sanzida? Oops! I meant stay asleep

@penguinfloof Oh okay, haha I wish that too

@sanzida? Sleep takes everything away!

@penguinfloof Mhm