This is mostly just a venting post cause I don’t know where else to turn to anonymously talk about this. One aspect I hate about being at home instead of being on my college campus is I’m much less confident overall. ESPECIALLY in regards to my appearance. On campus, I could wear makeup or wear slightly revealing clothing and feel confident. Particularly crop tops, shorts, not wearing a bra, etc. and I knew my friends would hype me up and I didn’t really care about what the other students thought, cause I was mostly just thinking, “if they notice what I’m wearing, then they’ll KNOW I’m a bad b*tch.” But now I’m at home, I feel so scared to wear these things. Don’t get me wrong, I know lots of people can’t wear scandalous clothes at home and get away with it, but I think my anxiety about it is a little different. I used to be able to be around family without a bra on cause I felt safe. Now, I feel like if I’m not wearing a bra or if I’m wearing a crop top, my step dad would check me out. I have two brothers I live with and I have my dad but it’s only my step dad I’m scared of. I don’t know why, he’s never done anything to indicate I should be scared of him. I remember once my family was on a cruise and we were getting our pictures taken and I was in a thin dress without a bra on and he had to put his arm around my waist and I felt like he kept moving his hand down. He didn’t grab me and he probably didn’t mean anything by it, but it scared the crap out of me. Now he’s started living with us even though he married my mom almost six years ago, and I hate having him around. When he didn’t live with us he lived in another state and I’d only have to see him a few days at a time every few weeks. The stuff he does to bug me definitely doesn’t help his case. He knows I don’t really like him (I haven’t told him, I guess he’s just figured it out) and is sad about it, but he still does stuff to bug me. He triggers my OCD on purpose and laughs when I get upset and when I ask him to stop he tells me I’m being over dramatic. I have a very strained relationship with food and because my depression has kicked in during coronacation, I’m eating even less than usual. The other day he ordered pizza and I thanked him and he said something about me eating two pieces and then leaving it in the fridge until it had to be thrown away. I said it was because of my depression and once again he laughed and told me I was being over dramatic. Also I’ve always been told I need to wear a bra around men who aren’t family, so I think that could play a big part in this. Regardless, whatever the cause, I really hope my college lets everyone back on campus this fall, cause I don’t know how much more I can take. PLUS he works from home, so he’s ALWAYS here. So it’s gonna have to be me who gets out of the house, which would probably be good for me in some ways, like I can get a job or something.