Pocd doesn't stop. I'm crying about de CP I saw in Twitter, I feel so gross. It is so horrible I wish I had never seen that. I wish I hadn't clicked on it to report it. You can't cry and feel gross about something you are into right??? I feel like if this is pocd it's never gonna leave me alone. A few weeks ago I was scared about that I liked the weird hallucination I had about the girl I saw in that Twitter page when I was daydreaming about my boyfriend and was already like,, really horny. I woke up and I felt even more turned on about it then when I was thinking about my boyfriend but now I think of it and I think it wasn't the girl because I think of her alone and just cry. And if I were given the chance I would NOT do that so that calms me down not even if it wasn't illegal to do that... It just feels like it's "something" to fuck like I can feel the same about idk fucking a cat because it's sex and I don't fucking like animals. So... I should be fine right... My mom still says it's normal and that I'm okay and that I'm just a really horny teenager but what if I get turned on by a kid a few years from now??? That could happen. I can't breathe and this feeling of puking at any moment remains and every time I'm left alone with my thoughts I feel horrible and can't stop thinking about this. I wouldn't ever harm a child like those men in those videos did, it makes me cry I keep seeing the faces of the children and I'm so mad. Please someone help.

How am I sure I didn't want that dream... It's fucking weird when I wake up I was like WHAT THE F*CK NO. but still a) I was turned on and b) thinking of it still seemed hot Someone help one thing that is for sure is that I couldn't see her face, it was blurry and distorted but I knew who she was and I just felt good in that I felt even more turned on than when I was thinking about my boyfriend. That makes me a monster, DOESN'T IT?? I'm so sick I just need an answer. I think of her and just feel like pucking and cry because of what was done but still that just settles it right????

But I think of the context and the me that is actually going to do what he did and that's just horrendous and something I definitely don't like and wouldn't do. It was already happening in the dream so what does it mean???? My mom is telling me to forgive myself because it was sexualized in the first place but THAT'S WHAT A PEDO IS!Someone who sexualizes children

Okay try to calm down. First of all, you came across CP on twitter, how did that happen? I am asking because I always like to believe the internet is a safe place. I am sure that was EXTREMELY traumatic for you. The brain copes with trauma in all sorts of ways. These are unwanted intrusive thoughts, acknowledge them for what they are and try not to label them or rationalise with them. Thoughts are just thoughts even the ones that disturb you. Intrusive thoughts are ego dystonic, meaning that they disturb you which means that they're against your moral character and compass. It will be okay.

But someone who is a pedophile (if you're a good person) feel guilty about it too... What is the difference between me and a pedophile?! Everything feels so intertwined and horrible and I can't get rid of this feeling in my stomach. Are you sure I'm not one? I definitely would do ANYTHING to not have seen that. Yesterday I was studying and I thought of you he kids and started crying... I came across is because I was obsessed over reporting MAPs (Minor Attracted Person aka pedophiles) on Twitter is report hundreds of accounts a day because I felt threatened since I'm a minor myself! Then I saw this kid I thought I liked?? Then I saw him completely and I was like no wtf he's like 7 (I think for a split second he seemed older but at this point I don't know...) Then I kept reporting those people on Twitter and I found very disturbing stuff. Then I was like nah I obviously wouldn't touch a kid. I don't want to kiss them not do anything sexual to them. I'd ONLY protect them and hold them. But then... I was daydreaming about my boyfriend that I love so much and it kinda faded into this weird dream about one of the girls I saw and *I* was the guy in the dream and I knew she was there but I couldn't see her face nor most of her... I woke up disturbed and just feeling horrible but still turned on and how I felt and all still felt hot... So I feel like... Maybe I'm just repressing that I am one? But god a pedophile would like to see that again right?? I DON'T. It is haunting and I'd do anything to get that off my head and save those poor girls. After all of this, do you still think it's POCD...?