TW: Potential CSA. I just want to know if it counts, when I was 6/7 my cousin who was maybe 8 would force me to do things I was uncomfortable with and he touched me in places, more than once and I remember saying no multiple times. The thing is, I know this traumatised me because I started getting intrusive thoughts after this and they were of a sexual nature and religious nature (sometimes the 2 combined) and I had to do compulsions like shutting doors and praying to every religious photo in the room. I also gained a lot of weight after and still have food issues. Our families fell out and I havent seen him since (I'm 22 now). My mum knew about this because I would confess that and these thoughts to her. But I think she justblamed bad parenting on his mums part and that was it. I hate him a lot for it. ALOT. It makes me feel sick he did it but at the same time I dont know if my situation is real enough to be considered as abuse as he was also a child. I just got sent a picture of him with his girlfriend and it made me sick seeing him, and seeing his face. I'm even more angry because I feel that hes the reason I still suffer with intrusive thoughts today as what he did is what triggered it and while I'm mentally ill and my life is falling apart, he is happy and soon to be married and just getting on with life. Are my feelings correct? Should I be allowed to feel this way?

Thanks for saying that because it makes my feelings feel slightly more valid. I feel like I shouldn't feel upset because it was never properly acknowledged and I never got help. I forgot about it until I was about 13 and I connected the dots between the intrusive thoughts and what he did to me. I'm not talking to a therapist. Sorry you've had it happen to you. I just feel that because he was also a child, it could be deemed as harmless. But for me it was very harmful. He would show me porn channels on tv, he would force me into situations and I would always feel guilty because I wasnt allowed to tell my mum. When I eventually did I felt that I was confessing and still to this day, as a 22 year old, I have to confess everything to my mum. I carry around so much guilt and shame, not necessarily from what he did but sexual things I did as a teenager like for many years I watched porn and visited porn sites and I'm constantly ashamed of that. I've never had a boyfriend or any relationship as of yet but I worry how this will impact me in the future, having so much shame and guilt in me. It's really hard. And then I feel that I'm blaming it on him when really I intrusive thoughts are my fault. :( idk but thankyou so much for validating my feelings.

@MJocd Please know that the fact that he was a child does not mean that he didn’t sexually abuse you. Children can and do assault other children. Sometimes, both children do sexual things as a form of discovery and play, but in this case, this was not consensual and he was abusing you. Any therapist who does not recognize that would have to be very uneducated. It’s also really common for children who are sexually abused to have hyper-sexual behaviors afterwards, like what you’re describing with watching pornography. None of this is your guilt or shame to carry. This is the abuser’s guilt and shame. The abuse is a reflection on him and his character, not on you or your character. I’ve gone through therapy for sexual abuse and I also have a master’s degree in childhood development so I promise I’m not making this up! I’m so sorry you are going through this.