It kind of worries me that there aren’t a lot of people here who deal with Suicidal and Existential OCD. It makes me feel like I don’t have OCD and that I won’t get out of this spiral. Really feeling the need to talk.

Do you mind sharing your experience?

Do you mind sharing your experience?

@Weedcookies Sure! The suicidal OCD first started back in August and the existential OCD first started back in I think January. I didn’t know it was OCD at the time I thought I was going insane or that a demon was tormenting me when the suicidal OCS started. It happened randomly I think when I was in the middle of an anxiety attack which in itself was new for me as well. That anxiety episode lasted multiple days and didn’t seem to have a reason for happening, but one day I glanced over at a pair of scissors in my bathroom and the intrusive thought popped into my head and it stayed ever since. I didn’t start seeing a therapist until December because I thought it was just anxiety but knew it had to be something else because I was dealing with constant intrusive thoughts telling me to kill myself or that I wanted to when I really didn’t. My therapist at the time mentioned OCD, I researched it and it seemed to click, switched to my current therapist who is an OCD specialist and was properly diagnosed with it. So I’ve been working with her and doing ERP since March. The experience has been very difficult. Even though it’s not has horrible as it was back before therapy, it still an every day occurrence. With the suicidal OCD, I get intrusive thoughts saying “what if” I kill myself, “what if” I lose control and just do it, “what if” I become legitimately depressed and then want to do it, it can also be in statements so I’ll be taking some clothes out of my closet and I’ll get a thought saying “go kill yourself now in the closest” it’s terrifying. It’s not only intrusive thought but also intrusive feelings and urges. Triggers can really be anything, from objects to situations to just thoughts. With the existential OCD I started noticing that I was getting intrusive thoughts about meaning and purpose. I would be trying to enjoy myself and yet the thought would come in saying how there was no meaning to any of it, it didn’t mean anything. I would do my homework, spend time with family, do whatever, and the thought would come in saying what if there wasn’t any purpose so improving or connecting with others. It scared me a lot because I don’t want to think or believe those things. Yeah maybe me watching tv doesn’t have this huge meaning but I don’t want those thoughts coming in at all! It was really bumming me out and I was scared this was depression sneaking in, but it wasn’t me consciously thinking that life had no purpose, it was popping up in my head on it’s own. The second part of the existential OCD in regards to reality set in at the end of March the day my grandpa died. He got really sick quickly and passed away and this was the first time for me that a relative close to me died so it really didn’t feel real like it was a dream. Well my OCD grasp on to that because later on I was like “this isn’t real...is anything real”? And I started getting these fears and doubts that this life was real. I would start getting my hands, my surroundings, the trees, the sky, to figure out and know for sure if it was real. So now these thoughts pop up saying how life doesnt have meaning or purpose and I have no way of knowing for sure and that nothing is real either. These two themes love to feed off each other as well. Many times when I’m getting the intrusive existential thoughts it’ll be like “nothing matters this life is meaningless so...kill yourself” and so on. I’ve met other people who deal with the two same themes and it’s the same experience for them as well. You’re definitely not alone in this. It’s hard to see past the lies OCD throws at you, but it can be managed and dealt with. I would say the suicidal OCD is the bigger issue for me, because it seems like any other theme that pops up will basically be a slide down to suicidal OCD. But existential OCD has make itself into one of my major themes alongside it. I’ve heard stories of people overcoming these themes so I know it’s possible. Hope this helps! Sorry it’s so long!

@Evelyn4416 Omg this is really everything im living .... wow its crazy how Ocd works the same way for everyone, thanks sooo much for sharing i feel less alone

@Evelyn4416 Yesss, back when I had it I would have thoughts like “your family would be so sad once you kill yourself.” Or “this is your last time with your friends.” So at that point I just stopped going places where I’d have thoughts

@Angiefree Right?? It’s always surprising that it’s like the exact same feelings and thoughts we share with others of the same theme. You’d think that’d be enough to prove to ourselves it’s just ocd and a lie but of course it still lies to us

@ocdgirl$ummer I’ve had the family ones before! Or if I did it then my family would find me and be horrified, I hate those thoughts!

@Evelyn4416 Im in shock haha its like i can read my story !!

@Evelyn4416 I can relate to literally everything you said and it is so annoying I’ve been dealing with it the past 3 years and it comes in waves but thanks for sharing your story we all need each other

@ryanp0333 Oh wow! I’ve met others with the same themes and experiences it’s crazy. It’s hard but we can make it

Anyway we can chat, I'm struggling with this theme and I know you've gone through it!! My IG is brittanyarroyos

@Evelyn4416 It was years ago but I suffer from the exact same thoughts. How are you today?

Whats your recovery story? :)

@Angiefree Actually this year makes 3 years since it happened but anyways, I was 12 going into 7th grade and my mom got a call from a friend one day saying her son shot himself while babysitting his brother and when my mom told me that that’s when it all started. I felt sick that entire day. I would be scared I would stab myself and I would have thoughts that would tell me I wanted to stab myself when I didn’t, then I got really depressed and all I would do is cry all day. Then one day I opened up to my mom about it while we were I. The kitchen. And then she taught me how to cut onions and eventually my fear of knives went away after cutting the onions and realizing that it was okay. Then toward the end of summer things got a bit hard again, then school started and I forgot about the thoughts because I was busy and I would hang out with my friends and stuff so the thoughts didn’t get to me anymore, and now I’m not rlly triggered by suicide or anything like that anymore....?

@ocdgirl$ummer I hope this doesn’t trigger anyone

@ocdgirl$ummer Wow, that sounds very difficult to deal with but I’m glad you’re better now! How long did it last if you don’t mind me asking?

@Weedcookies It lasted from April 2017 to August 2017, very stressful time

Do you mind sharing your experience?

yea pretty much

How has your experience been with it? I have the same theme as well