I posted on Reddit last night with my entire sexual history and someone said to me maybe you’re bi. I feel helpless

I know. It’s hard though because there’s stuff that could point to me being gay and it hurts

Yeah Reddit isn’t great for that. I’m subscribed to their OCD subreddit but it seems like if post something about how you’re improving there’s a lot of negativity like “oh that’s great for you I’m dealing with it 100x worse than you tho and nothing helps” sort of thing. I just stay for the memes.

@Evelyn4416 I posted on a lesbian forum which might have been my first mistake

@Yikes1000X Not because they were rude or anything, but they probably assumed if I sought out the forum there was more to it than really severe OCD

I’m so scared I’ll never get a good sexual relationship with my boyfriend

@Yikes1000X Same except the thing is I never had one which scares me even more. I feel like I just like the idea sex but not the content irl with a guy. I remember before hocd I would be so into it, like I wanted it. But now my desires and attractions are all gone and I feel like I've turned gay :(

Definitely valid! I have a great habit of feeding my ocd only information that fits the narrative

@Yikes1000X Well, things which seem to threaten us tend to feel a lot more real and present and vibrant. And things which go against that just seem weak and flimsy.

@Scoggy Very true. Ironically the same person on Reddit then sent me a link about HOCD

@Yikes1000X I don't think, even though you confessed everything to them, that it matters what opinion this person has. People who are gay or bi can develop HOCD if there are reasons which make it feel like a threat to their identity (homophobic family/community, religious or political identification, judgmental beliefs about gay people, etc), it's important to acknowledge that you have OCD symptoms (obsession plus compulsions) and focus on treating that. The only thing which brings a clear perspective is treatment but people really do avoid doing that out of fear of finding out things they can't cope with. That's a big reason why it's important to do stuff which improves your own sense of your coping ability for in your worst case scenarios. For example, a lot of people are able to draw the distinction that if they are gay or bi it doesn't mean they would be obliged to do sexual things they aren't interested in doing or leave a happy relationship or not have a straight marriage etc. Not feeling like your fear would bring your life to an end is a very good motivator for treating it and getting your life back.

@Scoggy Very well put, I’ve been trying my best to say that I can still get married even if I’m gay. Hopefully the sex problems will heal once I get more into ERP

@Scoggy I think my biggest thing is trying to get over the hurdle of I’ll never have a good sex life with my partner, but you’re absolutely right, it’s ocd I need to address if I want to get better

@Yikes1000X Mind you, don't argue with the thoughts by saying that. Just know that it's true, and let that motivate you to avoid all compulsions:)

@Scoggy Sounds about right. I am definitely afraid of finding out I am gay if I get better, it feels weirdly comfortable to just be constantly upset and not get help. But I’m only putting strain on my relationship and feeding my fears