ever since this morning I’ve literally been going insane. I’m black and I’m worried that if my mom gets pulled over at anytime she’ll get killed or we both get killed or I’d get killed. I’ve talked to people about this and I’ve been told “the police wouldn’t get me and my mom because we look mixed” or “we don’t look that black and we look hispanic so they won’t get us” or “you’re not black men so you won’t get shot.” Those things I’ve been told aren’t necessarily the best things to say to any black person. maybe it is true, maybe it isn’t, I don’t know, but I’ve been worried about it all day and idk how I’m gonna go to sleep tonight or even let this go. My mom has never had any problems with white cops, they’ve been relatively good to me and my mom and my brother so I’m not that worried. But what if we meet the wrong cop one day, idk.... I keep having thoughts telling me “we’re gonna die” and “I’m gonna get shot” it’s bugging me out. Ocd won’t let me get any sleep tonight, I know that. It’s all I can think about, and tik tok is no help whatsoever. All I see on my fyp is stuff about Minneapolis and burning buildings and people just talking about this whole situation. I’m very upset about it too, but judging from the anxiety I’m feeling, that’s the last thing I really need to hear about now. I could just get off tiktok but I’m gonna get anxious cause I’m not on it so I really don’t have a way out either way so...?✌?

I can’t even handle this anymore, on Instagram there was a post with the names of black men that were killed and I had a thought that said my brother (who is 2) is gonna be on that list. I’m actually sobbing right now, what the actual fuck...I can’t even handle these thoughts right now....??.... its not even the brutality that’s triggering me, it’s just the thoughts that make it seem like the things that are happening are my personal issue, which they are not, I get it this is sad and terrible and needs to stop but at the end of the day, ocd is turning this into something that it’s not? I don’t wanna talk about this anymore... I’m done

God it's genuinely the worst thing ever. Even tho it's bad to do this I can easily dispute racist tendencies and takes, so I do that in my mind. It's like having Pierce Hawthorne from Community in my brain where I can easily go "Shut up Pierce" The issue tho for some reason. I begin to get mini panic attacks noticing people of color now. It originally was because ofc I was scared of being racist and it was trying to trick me into being afraid of them. But now something's changed. While obviously I can tell myself ik I'm not racist and not do racist things, The thoughts and feelings keep trying to tell me the most racist things. Another thing when I first learned I had it was that my compulsion was watching and making sure I like posts of POC. Obviously there's nothing inherently wrong ig with doing this but it does eventually border the line of tokenism for the soul ig, and that's not how people want to be represented. For some reason it feels like I'm doing it simply to feel better about myself, which maybe isn't inherently bad now that I think about it. I genuinely always wanna make sure people be heard. But now, I can't tell when I have a preference or not. Like whenever I want to click on a video with a POC, I'm asking myself, am I doing this as a compulsion, or because I genuinely would like this content. I tried to stop doing compulsions to maybe make some exposures but I can't tell anymore. Obviously my apologies to minority communities my brain won't shut up and it's twisting my heart and I wanna get better but it keeps getting worse.

I saw a TikTok of this really cute black baby and I had a really racist intrusive thought and now I’m worried I’m a really racist awful person. I’m convinced I commented something racist and I keep looking back at the comments to make sure I didn’t. I’m in college and I have to go down and get food at the dining hall soon because it’s going to close in not too long and the majority of people who work there are black and i‘m really worried if I do go get food I’m going to say something really awful and racist to them. I need to get food but I’m sooooo scared I’m going to call them the n word or something