ever since this morning I’ve literally been going insane. I’m black and I’m worried that if my mom gets pulled over at anytime she’ll get killed or we both get killed or I’d get killed. I’ve talked to people about this and I’ve been told “the police wouldn’t get me and my mom because we look mixed” or “we don’t look that black and we look hispanic so they won’t get us” or “you’re not black men so you won’t get shot.” Those things I’ve been told aren’t necessarily the best things to say to any black person. maybe it is true, maybe it isn’t, I don’t know, but I’ve been worried about it all day and idk how I’m gonna go to sleep tonight or even let this go. My mom has never had any problems with white cops, they’ve been relatively good to me and my mom and my brother so I’m not that worried. But what if we meet the wrong cop one day, idk.... I keep having thoughts telling me “we’re gonna die” and “I’m gonna get shot” it’s bugging me out. Ocd won’t let me get any sleep tonight, I know that. It’s all I can think about, and tik tok is no help whatsoever. All I see on my fyp is stuff about Minneapolis and burning buildings and people just talking about this whole situation. I’m very upset about it too, but judging from the anxiety I’m feeling, that’s the last thing I really need to hear about now. I could just get off tiktok but I’m gonna get anxious cause I’m not on it so I really don’t have a way out either way so...?✌?

My last and almost life long theme/sub-theme largely subsided recently and my ocd felt like it wasn’t even an issue. Then I went on winter break from uni and being alone made my mind come up with a whole new topic to obsess over. TLDR on my fears, my advisor wouldn’t email me back for a while about signing up for classes so my mind started to worry “what if he doesn’t in time and you can’t enroll this semester and you lose this whole life you just built and all these new friends” So when that issue was resolved my mind found other scarier ways I could be uprooted from my current life and friends that I’ve grown so attached to. Then my mind remembered back when I was struggling with false memories and scrupulosity and I essentially made a post on a forum 2 and a half years ago saying I did something or was convinced I did something that I never actually did. Now I’ve been spiraling about someone finding it reporting me and I either get seen as a horrible person or arrested or something over something I never actually did but “admitted” to out of fear of going to hell. My mind won’t let it go and keeps finding new reasons for it to be “valid” “logical” or even inevitable. I feel like it’s just hanging over my head and I can never rest easy. Especially when I try to focus on my daily tasks or plan for the future I get this horrible flair up of “why plan for the future when this could come back in that future and you get uprooted from all of it” my mind won’t rest without certainty being uprooted won’t happen but certainty doesn’t exist, at least not with ocd. This sucks and I miss being care free.

I was scrolling on here and now I’m having a panic attack. Someone posted resources and one of them was a NOCD article and I thought that was so great. I clicked on it because I like learning about this disorder and I love NOCD’s resources. But I read that one of the compulsions for pocd is watching cp? I thought that wasn’t a thing with POCD. I literally cannot breathe because I feel like this thing is now possible and I cant calm down. That was the first time I’ve ever seen that stated as a compulsion. I feel like I’m dying. What triggered my spiral in the first place was months ago someone contacted me and told me they watched it but claimed OCD and I felt absolutely horrified. I deleted my account and removed that person entirely. I am freaking out so bad I really can’t seem to breathe right now

Alot is on my mind u feel like I’m going to lose my mind , not really a lot but if I think too hard I think I’m gonna lose my mind , I was trying to slp n I think I’m gonna lose my mind , I’ve always been having thoughts about going crazy it never really changed , I have other thoughts and triggers but they always somehow lead Bk to me thinking I’m going to lose my mind , guys I’m so tired , do I even have ocd