I'd like to share my story and it may trigger someone still doesnt know how it works, I believe I have OCD (HOCD and ROCD), like I dont even know anymore. Id appreciate some feedback to know if i am just delusional. So I met this girl from spain during summer and i fell in lover with her but were at a camp and its was soon over and we didnt really do anything else besides kkissing. Month after i went to spain for my exchange year ( 800km from where she lives...) but on new years with got in touch and went to her city by train. I was breaking several rules of my organization by this travel risking being kicked out to my home country and was pretty stressed. When i got there i got pretty nervous/stressed (idk anymore) probably due to the fact i never got intimate with anybody. Long story short i had problems with erections even tho she is really beutiful and atracttive. I started douting everything and thought i was gay. From that point up until now i have problems wirh erections and i thought it was penis problem ting.I just cant get properly horny and erection dont last really anything. But i started having these gay thoughts and became extremely anxious. I started doubting my love for here ( that started already when i was with here there, and the gay thoughts as well). Had some periods when i was feeling better but had these compultions in my head imaging some gay stuff and trying to figure out if i enjoy it. Never got actually erect from that then and now. I have always wanked off to the idea of being with girl or normal hetero porn. Ou and also started staring at my friends trying to see if i am interested in them or smh. Or put on gay porn to see if i get erexted and when i didnt which happened always i felt kind of relieve for a few minutes after. Always noticing people around of the same sex (male) to see if i see them atracttive or paying atttention to my dick to see how it reacts to gay stuff compared to hetero stuff. Still talking with this girl from spain even tho she lives like 2800 km from me..... Periods when i was like yes i love her and then that i am not sure. I based everyrhing on my level of arousal. The more i wanted to be aroused by the thought of being with her the less it worked. I think that this became on of my compulsions as well. Btw went to doc and my testosterone and everything is alright. When found out about hocd i got instant relieve for like 5 days. Gay thought disapeared.I wanked off like 3 times a day and got normal erections. ( druing those good days i wasnt tslking to her and neither now bur from other reasons) But when i reaaly focused on the idea of being with her it was hard to jerk off and it scared me that she wasnt atractting me enough or smh and the gay thoughts came back with doubting everything.... i fell like sometimes when i stop feeling anxiety its because i got to the conclusion, either i am gay or i dony love her anymore. Even tho i dont think i can be gay when i havent masturbated a single Time in my 18 years of live to a boy and never got hard from one neither. And when i stopped being anxious thinking about those bad thoughts I got scared that its because they are true and got bsck again in to the cycle....... I dont even know whats happening anymore. Last 2 weeks i dont do my compulsion really much but i still feel like shit and my dick its pretty much dead. And last thing. Everytime i told the girl i was not sure about my feelings i bursted out crying like i didnt want to tell her what i was telling her but my thoughts were saying otherwise, always day or 2 after i wanted to ,,be,, (ldr...) with her again. I based everything on my level of arousal. Sometimes i feel like i dont want to hurt her by making her be with me cause maybe i am gay or idk. Really fucking anoyyed i cant fucking jerk off properly and i miss her so much but i think i Would be scared to have something too sexual with her(or maybe with anyone rn) even tho i want to, because of being scared that i dont get proper hard. Well i dont really think anyone will read this Would appreciate some feedback cause i feel really confused.