If you choose to read this could you please comment*** 5 years ago I went on a date with a coworker. We both ended up getting quite drunk and went to his place. He offered to call me a cab, but I denied. I know we smoked some weed and watched a show in his room... I know I kissed him, and he started to initiate sex. I remember him touching my pants and saying “is this okay? Is this okay?” And I said yes and unbuttoned them but then somewhere in the time we started fooling around I blacked out. I started to remember the end of our interaction. I know he was very drunk too we had spent about 5 hours drinking, and he actually left his door open to his room and his roommate was home and we were both mortified the next morning??‍♀️. After the incident I didn’t feel worried or scared or taken advantage of, I just felt like holy, that was a lot to drink what a crazy night. We continued to go on dates and hook up completely soberly and I never saw a scary dark side of him or felt pressured into anything. We actually decided to pursue a relationship in the next few weeks after spending every day together and 5 years later I am still with him. We have a daughter, he’s a great father and boyfriend and treats me so great, but tonight I am having stomach curdling ocd anxiety. I’m riddled with all of the horrible “WHAT IFS” .... WHAT IF, I was raped? WHAT IF, he wasn’t as drunk as I thought he was? WHAT IF, he intentionally took advantage of me? Honestly in my heart I do feel we were just two drunk people who got carried away, he did offer to buy me a cab, he did ask multiple times before he even touched me if it was okay and I urged him on. But you know how it goes, you find one thing with an ounce of uncertainty in it and ocd sets a bonfire on it in your mind. I just need to vent this, I don’t know where else I could talk about it.

leham

Date posted: 5y

I am so sorry you have to deal with this, Harper. With someone you love so much. Those are the situations where ocd has the most grasp on- cause they mean so much to you. It feels like, 5 years later, this situation HAS to be analyzed. It feels like it is the cornerstone of the quality of your relationship. It feels like the black and white signifier if someone is very very wrong and incorrect and bad and therefore something must change. It feels severely urgent. It feels like all of this, but this is when we calmly remember feelings are not facts. The situation does not HAVE to be any of this. Just because alarm bells are going off in your head and your stomach is in knots and it feels impossible to get over until it’s detangled- does not mean any of that is true. You are ALLOWED to rest on the fact that you enjoyed that night. You are ALLOWED to rest on the fact that you felt fine afterwards. You are ALLOWED to rest on the fact that you love this man and he has shown what a great guy he is. You are allowed to rest on all of those experiences. A blurry night, years ago, where you have little recollection of what happened cannot override all of the things you know to be true. You can’t let the possibility of something bad having happened, become paramount to what you know today for a fact: you love him and you want him. Don’t let ocd take the reigns with its impossible what-ifs, you don’t have to bow down to that!!!

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Thank you so much! I actually find it astonishing that you put all of the chaotic bad feelings I have in my mind right now into the PERFECT words but you hit the nail on the head and that’s exactly how I feel ?. I’ve had really open conversations about this incident with him in the past. It’s not something I’m scared to bring up with him, and I’ve told him how looking back even the tiniest bit of regret or uncertainty makes me uncomfortable and he’s been understanding and open with me as well. He’s admitted he was really drunk and regrets part of that night too... like how he would’ve never left his door open for his roommate to hear and witness everything ?. Thank you for your words. Having someone to talk to really brings me back down to earth ? that’s why I love this community

leham

Date posted: 5y

@Harper Haha sweet!! Oh wow- I LOVE that he didn’t get defensive or shut down the conversation. I love that you can talk to him about it. Of course, I always feel like I can manage- and then I start spinning out of control and it just takes one person who understands to bring me back down. He seems like the perfect partner to settle into the river of uncertainty with- you guys have each other’s back:) ❤️

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