My ocd was having unwanted hurtful thoughts about my boyfriend that are not true, i said "ew" once in reaction to the thought because of course it is not true, and then i think it told me to say it again if I believe they are true and I don't remember if I did or not.. there was in instance where I said it before hand with another untrue thought and I don't know if my mind is mixing it up, if I said it again it was a reaction and definitely not to agree with the thought, I remember being calm and then questioning after but I just don't remember for sure... it's killing me. I don't know if I said it or not I have no memory and it's killing me I don't know I don't think it's true, I don't want this to ruin my health and happiness in my relationship and it currently is on my end. please help me !!!

For some reason my mind makes me feel like a monster if I said those things or as if I don’t appreciate him, but I didn’t mean it if I did say it, I don’t remember it’s a fog but how can I take away the significance of this? Always if I say it out loud it hurts more for me

@catherinez OCDs suggestion that if you said it then it means you agreed with your instrusive thoughts is very common. It's also the exact same thing as an OCD suggestion that if you don't wash your hands you'll get sick and die, or that you need to avoid cracks in the pavement or someone else will get hurt. You can survive feeling anxious and guilty- which is exactly why you should go exactly against the suggestions of your OCD. When it says you need to repeat something to cancel something out, or not repeat something otherwise it cancels out your resistance to the thoughts, it's best to do the opposite on purpose, do the threatening-feeling option and ride out the anxiety. Saying something can't make someone a bad person or mean anything about them as a person or what they think or feel. The feelings that it's important are something you can adjust to by letting them happen without adding layers of rumination onto the obsession. That includes memory checking. The significance feeling can really only be taken away by doing exposures. That means deliberately calling your OCD's bluff and doing the bad thing on purpose. Maybe lower level exposures for you could be things like saying out loud that you hate a celebrity you love, or hate your favourite food? And then work up to saying negative things about or agreeing with negative thoughts about your boyfriend. The worst thing you can possibly do is to argue with the thoughts or push them away as though they're a reflection on you. You need to invite them by doing the things OCD says you mustn't. Then it can throw as many ideas and feelings at you are you like about how you just did a Bad Thing. But it's you who gets to decide whether you dwell on those ideas and feelings and pick them to death and go into a spiral, or just make space for them, acknowledge that you have the feelings and let them come and go away again without going into analysis and evidence mode. I've suffered plenty myself from the "if I said it maybe it's true, but did I say it??" obsessions. The only fix is to completely put the brakes on ruminating about it. If you stop treating it like it's important to know, it starts to genuinely feel like it's less important to know. Like I said, you have all the power in the world to direct your own attention. You can't prevent intrusive ideas, thoughts and feelings from popping up, but you can choose whether you treat them as important. When you stop treating them as important, they stop happening.