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- 5y
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I'm going through the same thing right now. It's a thing. You're not alone.
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OCD latches onto anything, so I'm assuming that this is a thing
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It's OCD. The theme is immaterial with respect to treatment procedures.
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I have definitely been here! And even now, I’m worried I don’t care ENOUGH about the movement
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Same I'm worried I should be more outraged than I am.
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@Lina Exactly! And of course I’ll do everything I can, but I’m just worried about my inner self / intentions.
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It’s just tough. My whole life I’ve been educated (mostly through film) that black lives matter, and I truly believe that they do. I mean, how could they not?!!! It shouldn’t even be an argument but sadly it is. Yet lately I’ve worried I’m just not outraged enough. Of course I’ll continue to sign petitions, donate, share things etc! But I’m worried I should be MORE shaken inside. Or maybe I am, and the doubt is just covering it. I don’t know.
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Yeah I can relate I've started to have it more and more frequently.
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@poni_poki What do you mean by looking at someone the wrong way?
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@poni_poki I see what you're saying. I shouldn't even provide reassurance but I think the fact that we are worried about being racist means we are not. Yes we can do more and should continue in the future to support Black Lives. Because Black Lives Matter. Racist people don't give a crap if they are racist. They're awful human beings. I think we just think too much sometimes which can cause us to come to all these conclusions.
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@Lina Also there is this Youtuber called Zoe Amira. She made a video to support Black Lives Matter. You watch the whole video through and don't skip the ads and all of the money goes towards bail organizations and other things. She explains it on her channel. There are instructions on how to do it. I'll be watching the video every day for a while to help support.
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@Lina Yesss! I’ve been replaying it all day. Plus signing petitions and speaking out. It’s clear to me right now that I’m not racist. My anger and sympathy show me that. But there’s times where it fades and I get dropped into a pool of uncertainty. We’ve all just got to remember our hearts truly lay in a good place. To be anxious about it is proof. But sadly, that’s reassurance
Related posts
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- 17w
I’ve been triggered so bad this week I’ve had bad anxiety and feel depression coming on. Last night I had a thought oh let’s plan it and I immediately thought why would I think that and started crying bad. I’ve had these thoughts for 7 months I really don’t know why I’m having these thoughts, if I knew I would work on it. Like people say has something happened in your life for you to have these thoughts and nothing has happened, it all started off from what if thoughts , like “what if I’m a psycho” because I saw this fb post saying introverts are more likely to become psychopaths and it all spiralled from there I started getting thoughts about harm towards others and myself. What do you think guys should I treat it like ocd or do you think there’s something seriously wrong with me.
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- 13w
I got obsessed again in researching crime and its relation to race and socioeconomic conditions. While looking up a bunch of opinions and statistics I came across one opinion in a subreddit for black men saying that crime is a good thing and seemed to encourage it because there’s no other way to get by. Not every black person would resort to crime obviously but the comment seemed to be supported by a lot of other people. I got a thought saying “this is why black people get a bad rep” and I immediately questioned my thinking. I really started thinking about the ethics of crime in general and how it may be acceptable in certain situations. Still I feel like crime should be avoided when it can, not encouraged. I feel terrible for having this thought and even more terrible that I agree with it if that makes sense. I feel like I’m being racist by having this perspective. I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed an opinion on this because I’ve never faced these conditions before, but I’m trying really hard to understand.
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- 9w
I know confessing is not necessarily positive all the time but it’s important for me to say this anonymously so that I can say it one day to my therapist. I have become terrified to look at Asian people. My ROCD attached to my boyfriend’s racist past in his early teens, and despite his genuine effort towards change and the fact he’s been an incredible partner to me as a POC We’ve had some amazing conversations and he had made so many choices (dropping friends, reporting racism in institutions, standing up for me, advocating for minorities online, boycotting) that prove he has truly changed over the years. However my OCD’s attachment to his past has become the main theme of my life and was the reason I first sought therapy- I felt like I was going insane, like there was a physical, staticky, black wall between us. I’d have images of people of colour and things I knew he had said flash in my mind. I feared and imagined the judgement of all around me, while being genuinely happy to be with him. Last summer while in conversation he almost said a racial slur regarding Asian people (while reading it and referencing it). He stopped himself before he finished the word and apologised profusely. But it spiralled me into a depression- for a while I almost couldn’t even get out of bed. I felt debilitated. It made me realise there was something wrong. Since then (over a year) I feel genuinely fear, sometimes edging on terror when I see, talk to or interact with Asian people. On social media I can’t watch them in videos, in person I find myself between staring and being unable to look. It makes me feel disgusting. I’ve convinced myself it means I must be truly, deeply racist, even though I’m a POC. I’m getting better, over time, but also I’m so afraid still. I want to watch their content, I want to form authentic friendships, but my brain tells me I have betrayed them, that they wouldn’t want to be my friend, that they would hate me, that I don’t deserve to be in their spaces, that I’m racist and so is he. I’m not yet ready to tell my therapist. But u am grateful to have told all of you.
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