I hate that I no longer have motivation to do the things I once loved..these things helped me distract myself but now It feels like nothing works anymore...

yeah it's just getting harder...like I kept thinking i was doing bad things this year...maybe I should focus on today...like today is the day I stopped ..maybe that will make me feel better :(

Idk just my mind is playing games on me I think... just certain things I've read and thoughts in my head have made me think I am... I always told myself to not get angry at those things but I am just angry and upset at myself for everything now.

@Hana240 Maybe I am just a bad person...I hope not..I really do..but my mind is making me believe that's what it is...

@Hana240 Honestly that is what mine does to me 24/7 I know I'm not supposed to reassure but if I thought you were a bad person I would tell you. You dont sound like a bad person at all, you sound like someone who regrets what they went through, exactly like me and just wants to be able to express them self openly but you know we live in such a judgemental society so it's never going to be as simple as that. That's why it's better to sit and say to yourself, I accept that maybe a a bad person. If you accept the uncertainty it reduces your need to reassure yourself. Just accept what your mind is saying so that you dont neeneed to battle with it because deep down you know you are not a bad person so accepting it wont change anything people still see you as a good person either way

I just keep remembering more ..and I think I am also getting false memory too which is making me even more upset. Like my cat..I think he was involved..I am pretty sure but I dont want to believe it..and I love to read and I like heavy stories cause I find them more interesting. I've read stories this year that have contained the things ive done and I enjoyed reading them..just cause I like heavy stories and nothing else but my mind makes me think it was more. I also like to write stories and I like writing heavy stories sinc I find it more enjoyable to write and my head is reacting to me over and over again "you were thinking about those things while you wrote them..which means you are still what you fear " so I am not reading or writing anymore and I just feel so depressed.

@Hana240 Yep I read things like that aswel I used to read kathy glass books about abused children but now I feel like it will trigger me But I think sometimes it's best to keep reading them, avoiding things makes it worse. I sometimes think I have false memory too, when i mentioned about the dog I actually remember like rubbing my hand on his bits to almost get him off, I dont even know why I did it, maybe it was a compulsion i dont know But i sit and think did i do it or did i dream it but i definitely feel like i did it. I just think it doesnt matter how any times we go over in our heads it wont change what happened We dont do that anymore and because I can relate to you so much I know you wouldnt and I know how much you just want to live a normal happy life but this OCD makes You feel like you dont deserve it and that everyone should know the real you Trust me its it's not true , we dont know about anyones past really, nobody actually knows anyones full past

@b2192 That is very true...I just get scared I was still doing it this year and my thing has always been new year fresh start..so I'm going to start from today..its not a new year but I'm gonna make sure to not do anything like that again...I hope it's not too late. I'll take a break from reading and things but I will go back to it once I feel calmer with everything.

@Hana240 Theres also something else but I think its actually bad...It more on the incest things..

@Hana240 So you are worried you were still doing some of these things recently ? What exactly is your mind telling you That you did this year ?

@b2192 Read things..watched things and thought things. Like there was this anime and 2 charector where brothers but like they dont act like brother so many people thought they were cute together in a romantic way but jokey..so I started finding them cute together ..even though it was mostly jokey my brain is taking that and making me feel horrible for it.I haven't physically done anything I dont think..

@Hana240 I just cant stop thinking it does..

@Hana240 Feeling like that doesnt define you as a character though, like you havent harmed anyone with these thoughts or done anything wrong at all Remember they are just thoughts. Dont allow yourself to read into them. I think you should stay away from watching thing if you think it might be a compulsion l, so some people watch things to test themselves to see if they gain a response etc. It's not a good idea and it will only worsen things. Only do things to occupy your mind in a healthy way.

@b2192 Okay thank you! :)

*real ( sorry I can't type right now it seems lol)