Today has been one of the biggest battles with suicidal OCD for me. I spent the entire day in bed frightened that I really want to do what my thoughts are telling me to do. There has been a very strong urge and I haven’t been able to distract myself or do anything to calm me down. I can’t stop thinking what I could have done wrong to deserve this. I really want to get better, I want to want life and to exist. Why are my thoughts and feelings attacking me making me think otherwise? Why can’t I get better? The pain is unbearable and the urge is frightening me.

Lynnrich

Date posted: 5y

I know how you feel. Try to do some meditation and see if it can calm you down

Evelyn4416

Date posted: 5y

Hey Omar, I’m sorry you’re at such an elevated state of distress! You know we both struggle with the same themes, so I totally get the fears you’re experiencing. I also ask a ton of questions as well as to why this is happening and does it mean it’s true, but it’s just OCD screwing with us in the worst possible way. Are you doing any ERP? As for now, even though it is extremely hard, try to practice deep breathing. Find an app that’ll count the seconds for inhaling and exhaling, so you have something to look at instead of just doing it on your own. Don’t give into the compulsions of asking questions and going deeper down the rabbit hole, try to halt it and then do something else entirely. This is what I would do when I had super hard days. I would have an extremely difficult day, but by night I would get myself ready for bed, open up a breathing app to attempt to get my fear to lower at all, then distract myself by being with my brother. Just something to move your mind away from it. And definitely start on ERP if you aren’t already. Starting ERP has been a huge turn with my suicidal OCD. Before I would have unbearable days, now it happens sometimes but I’m able to have more moments of peace somewhat. It might help to try and separate the thoughts as well, so instead of seeing it as you thinking this, see it as OCD causing it. Or if you have thoughts saying “what if I kill myself” , instead think “I am experiencing an obsession of suicide due to OCD”, it separates the two. We are here for you. You are not alone. You are so much stronger than you think, regardless of whatever lies OCD is screaming at you (and it definitely screams at the top of its lungs). Sending peace of mind to you ?

ItsOmar

Date posted: 5y

Thank you very much for taking the time to offer all of this support. I have not started ERP yet and also have trouble believing in its effectiveness. How can I separate the thoughts if my mind is telling me that this is what I want? How can I tell the difference between my own thoughts and OCD?

Evelyn4416

Date posted: 5y

@ItsOmar Definitely try ERP then and be open to it working, if you are hesitant of its effectiveness it’s like putting a mental block already. From my personal experience and the experiences I’ve heard from others, it works really well. I would recommend starting it with an OCD therapist first to know how to do it right, then you can do it more yourself. The thoughts OCD is conjuring up is causing you a lot of distress. You want to live, to exist, to be in peace and happiness. That is you, what you want. OCD attacks what you value and place importance on, so it constantly throws attacks at that. You already know what you want, but OCD creates doubt and confusion around that. That is a constant issue and battle that everyone with OCD faces, whether it’s them thinking it or OCD, but if we knew it was us thinking it, we wouldn’t be expert in such distress and asking for help, we wouldn’t even be here on NOCD, it would just be accepted without having any distress and fear at all. We know these thoughts aren’t us then, but an attack of OCD. Everyone experiences the types of thoughts people with OCD have, including suicidal and existential thoughts. The difference is that people without have it and let it go, we stick on to it and create worry and fear, like why did I think that? If I think that does it mean it’s true? Etc etc. If you haven’t done so already, there can be more information about it on the Made of Millions website, they have an article on suicidal OCD, and explain how it is treatable with ERP

ItsOmar

Date posted: 5y

@Evelyn4416 That makes alot of sense. I seriously need to find a way to believe that this is OCD and nothing else. If I really was wanting to die, I wouldn’t be so anxious and distressed about it. I’ll make sure to check that article out, thank you.

Evelyn4416

Date posted: 5y

@ItsOmar I’m right there with you, OCD will throw different things at you from the same theme. I have some super hard days as well, with today being a rough day in itself. I hope and prey we get through this!

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