JennyJ
- Date posted
- 5y
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
I had this experience years ago, then someone accused me of actually doing the thing and I absorbed it so badly from being so confused. I had no idea I had OCD so I thought it was my conscience even though it made no sense? Back and forth omg. If I could go back in time to give myself advice, it would be firstly to tell someone how I was feeling to get a saner view on it and not feel so isolated and full of guilt (NOT trying to false confess it to see if it made me feel better smh), and then to see a therapist (or, had I know about OCD, to start doing ERP about it immediately instead of ruminating). All the checking my memories, reminding myself of what I knew etc to reassure myself didn't stop the cycle of what if I did coming back, because I kept FEELING like I did when I looked at how I felt. If you take that feeling too seriously by paying it attention, it gets real bad. I ended up having to suppress the whole thing entirely, I'd dissociate when anything about it came up because doing that cycle and the feelings were so traumatic. Eventually I did some guided emotional processing with a book and this was the first thing that came up, I had to feel layers of horrible guilt before even being able to look at the situation and finally both know AND feel that I didn't do the thing and that what I knew was real. I ended up with a better understanding of what my guilt WAS about which was latching onto the idea too. But I was still vulnerable for a while to feeling like I must've done SOMETHING wrong lol so I'd overblow small things into big ones and was really suggestible. It actually took a couple of days to non stop process it, I guess it had festered from leaving it so long. It certainly caused me a lot of depression. Talking to a therapist has helped more with straightening out what I did do wrong Vs didn't do wrong. Anyway the book I used was called Letting Go by David Hawkins, I really recommend it.
JennyJJennyJ
- Date posted
- 5y
Ok thank you for sharing. I can't imagine what that is like, if I ever got accused of doing this thing I don't know if I'd be able to stand it or face it. How did you manage that? And thanks for the suggested reading!
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
Not very well lol it fucked me up!
JennyJJennyJ
- Date posted
- 5y
@Scoggy Oh well I was looking for encouragement haha. Well I am sorry it was that difficult. If something similar happened to me it sure would be awful but I'd have to face it
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
@JennyJ It just fed into it really, it made me feel more like it was true at a time when I'd finally felt soothed enough to stop spending so much of my time thinking about it. The cycle continued of reminding myself that it's not true, but now it felt more like I was somehow in denial. It actually traumatised me a bit, it's one of the memories I'm starting EMDR for because it made me feel so guilty and broken.
JennyJJennyJ
- Date posted
- 5y
@Scoggy I see. Really can't imagine having such a terrible coincidence happen.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
@JennyJ It wasn't really a coincidence but it's a long explanation lol
JennyJJennyJ
- Date posted
- 5y
@Scoggy Oh I see. This is a bit confusing. I would like to know what caused such events, given that you were not responsible for whatever they accused you of. I am sorry you had to go through it though
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
@JennyJ It was after a relationship, I was talked into going public about sexual abuse in it. Then the OCD had me freaking out that I'd misinterpreted/it was my fault/that giving up is consent/that I was being unfair. He had a friend of his come and accuse me of fabricating it, which was what made it worse. There were all sorts of things making it clear that I wasn't- it's something I'd already had to have a sit down talk with him about, it hadn't been my idea or preference to be public about it as I'd been pressured to (the person who pressured since apologised) and if somehow it was actually my fault/responsibility or wouldn't "count" as rape, then it would've been from me misunderstanding (I did googling plus describing some of it to a friend who was very certain it was abuse) and not deliberate etc. Not to even mention that I'm not even the first person he did it to. But my OCD plus this friend accusing me made me feel like I must've just made something out of nothing from a subconscious desire to hurt him for all the other shit stuff in the relationship (drugs and lying and cheating and stealing etc). My therapist is super firm with me that it's rape, heck even my ex has apologised years later for being "bad at taking a no", "crossing sexual boundaries" etc. The theme has morphed from doubting myself into a real event OCD of just regretting going along with talking about it at all, and of all the guilt I felt talking about it because it always felt like I was lying or at least not being fair by bitching about him but not talking about the good things about him or my own mistakes in the relationship. I also have real event OCD about the fact I said I hadn't talked about it because he told me not to, because although it was technically true I had AGREED not to talk about it. So I'm going through feeling like I betrayed the guy and feeling like it's evidence for the idea that I was unfair and let people see him as worse than he was. I know it's convoluted and complicated, it gives me headaches on the daily. My therapist is about to do some reprocessing since we broke it all down into traumatic "bits". Dealing with the mix of PTSD and OCD at the same time is really not fun.
JennyJJennyJ
- Date posted
- 5y
@Scoggy Thank you so much for opening up. I am so sorry that on top of what he did to you, your mind processed it that way. I don't want to provide reassurance but certainly you were the victim here and I believe you and you deserve all the best. Let me send you a big hug. I went through a similar situation, but with a so called friend of mine. Except I never said anything because I know that speaking out is going through hell again, but I plan on doing it someday. It's great that you spoke up.
Be a part of the largest OCD Community
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond