"[zOCD] false memory" TW: Zoophilia OCD, personal life (masturb-tion) (F, 20s) I'm so sorry for mentioning this again. I just need to let it out of my chest and organize my ideas. Like I mentioned in the previous post, I have a new event I'm obsessed which is: well, you know that dogs like to smell our private parts right? Well, I think I've always pushed her away whenever she did that. She usually tries to sniff my butt and I do not let her but : * I'm worried that I've let her sniff the "front"* (but I don't remember) A little back story, I started masturb- in late 2016 which made me started feeling like a pervert. In 2017, I started developing sexual themed ocd (zOCD, Incest OCD, pOCD). Because of that, 2017 and 2018 became a blur to me - I don't remember much. My therapist said that masturb-tion is what triggered all of this... I felt so bad for doing it, that I started to believe that I did wrong things in the past I don't remember about - and this is one of them. Moving on to the issue at hand, I don't think I ever let her do it! Before 2017, I always remember pushing her away so she couldn't either sniff my butt (which was the most usual) or my "front" because it made me feel worthless and dirty... I hate it. But, since I started masturb-, I felt more aware of groinal responses and arousal and had more thoughts about sex. And so I'm afraid something like this happened... I'm afraid I let her sniff the "front" for some sort of sexual gratification (while fully clothed of course). I don't want to believe this is true! I just don't! This isn't me! I'm not a pervert! I want to cry... My brain keeps coming up with reasons for why this maybe happened. It tells me what I've told you above: "I've become a pervert and so I let her do it for some touch" I have the vague memory of her sniffing and I just added the imagination of me letting her and liking it. OCD is great, huh? (I want to cry) I don't want to think it's true! I'm battling this "idea" and trying to find incongruities. - it's not very probable that I changed ideals just because I started masturb- - I don't truly remember this happening. It's just fear of not remembering well 2017 and 2018 - I've always felt disgusted when she did that to other people. - I don't remember getting sexual gratification (that I enjoyed) by anyone (including pets). - if it happened, wouldn't I (excuse my words) "open my legs more" to get more gratification? (and I know this didn't happened!) I don't know what else to say... Please talk with me? Share your opinions? I- feel so Gross... And I'm so afraid this happened. I think my fucking zOCD happened because of the constant sexual jokes my dad makes about my dog. I can't look at her sometimes without having disturbing thoughts.

Firstly, it's masturbation. Censoring it because writing the words is triggering is a bad habit to start which can fuel more restrictive compulsions, so it's best to write it even though it's uncomfortable. Secondly, your therapist sounds like kind of a shit. Is she an ERP therapist? It sounds like masturbation was a time when your OCD was easily triggered, that doesn't mean you were unwise, selfish or a bad person for masturbating and doesn't mean you brought your OCD on yourself. You're dealing with zoophilia OCD (which I've had too) plus real event/false memory OCD which is a common combination. The more you argue with it or investigate your brain's suggestions for how, when and why a possible memory happened, the stronger your OCD will get. I and many others have had exactly the same OCD where you question what your possible motivations were for something you don't really remember. Your strategy of analysing and searching for incongruities or inconsistencies in your feelings/memory/OCD suggestions in an attempt to somehow disprove them and find reassurance is probably the worst thing you can do. Nobody can take away the possibility that it happened, but there are 2 different places to tackle the OCD. Neither of them is to continue to search for answers or something reassuring. The first method is ERP. Identifying your mental compulsions (I see memory checking, feelings checking, guessing, analysis, confession, asking for reassurance and a lot of rumination, but there are probably more), so that you can deliberately not do them. This is the one and only thing demonstrated to undo OCD themes. A strategy for this which works well for me is to promise myself that I'll worry later but that right now I'm taking a break from trying to find answers- I say it to myself as often as possible, and over time it breaks the link between triggers and compulsions by putting a lot of space between them. You're not going to get this to go away or feel better in the long term by trying to argue it down. The only way to win is not to play the game. The second thing you can do, AFTER making some headway with the first, is to inject the common sense which says things like 1: if it happened it wouldn't matter, nobody was hurt, 2: even if your ideas of allowing, encouraging or liking it were true, see point 1, 3: sexual stuff with pets is extremely more common than you think it is, 4: the consequences you've attached to the possibility, like "I'd be a bad person/despicable pervert/unloveable/sinful/etc", are unrealistic and thoroughly catastrophised. It's important to work on that part only after making progress with doing a lot less analysis, so that you don't just start picking apart these things looking for reasons why you're the exception or going over your memories again. You need to have practice in being flexible through processing feelings without mental compulsions before you'll be able to change much of your thinking about "what it would mean" in a lasting way. After doing both the ERP work and the sprinkling of sanity, it can sometimes be worth working on core beliefs with a therapist. If your themes all tend to revolve around a core of "I'm a terrible person" or "I'm unloveable" or "not being a perfect person would mean I'm a worthless person", it can help reduce how triggering new OCD ideas are for you, which can help you to stay compulsion free in the long term.

I have a dog and she does the same try to breathe and walk away

I dont think it happened. And i think you know it didnt happen to. OCD can be a really horrible liar sometimes

Super interesting !