Gave in and texted a hotline trying to emphasize on the fact I have ocd. They gave me an ocd resource. I wish the person was less robotic bc I am feeling alone still and like still depressed but it did help a bit I guess.

I’m feeling a mix of guilt and depression. So like both OCD and depression are eating me alive basically. I recently relapsed bc of cutting off an abusive ex friend and like her going to my ex best friend who I hurt emotionally bc she knew my ex best friend would take her side based on her experiences with me was a vindictivr low blow. So now I’m relapsing again on ocd and bpd and I haven’t showered in days. My sleep schedule is 9 pm to 9 am basically. I’m starving but it’s too late in the night to eat. Ive felt too guilty to get out of my house in weeks. Everything makes me sad again. I just hate it. Both my ocd and bpd are eating at me. I’m isolating myself and it’s also making it hard to keep pushing to finally go to school in the fall. ESP considering my ocd theme is pocd which is the worst one for me.

@Mars This sounds really hard, I'm sorry you're going through it. Is there one concrete step you can take to try and move out of this rut? Can you speak to a trusted person about what's going on? Can you ask for some help at home? My therapist gave me some great advice this week as I've been really bad for a few days - it's really important to lower your expectations of yourself and what you can do when you're feeling really bad. Holding yourself up to some standard of functioning that you can't manage right now will make you feel much worse. Like, so what if your sleep schedule is 9-9?...you clearly need the sleep! I always sleep loads more when I'm in an acute phase. Allow yourself to do the things you need to do to make yourself feel better.

@FalseGods I wish I could but like I have a bad habit of venting too much to my friends and it’s hard when I’m in a crisis almost every day. And none of my coping mechanisms work ever. I don’t have therapy till Friday. I don’t rly have anyone at home I can talk to either. I’ve trusted people with my ocd before and recently found out I can’t trust anyone. So it’s been hard. And that’s where I feel isolated.

@Mars It can feel really hard to feel unsupported. One thing I've recognised over time is feeling guilt and shame about venting to friends and asking for support, which I think is much more to do with the disorder than how people really feel. I often feel like nobody will understand or that they'll be really annoyed that I called them, only to later have them say "I really wish you'd called" or " I'm always here if you need to talk"

@FalseGods Yeah idk just recently I found out that all my friends talked about me behind my back about venting too much and my ex best friend couldn’t handle me like it gets BAD. So I rly feel I can’t trust anyone now.

Yeah, I’m trying to use healthier coping skills. I know it’s a genuine fault I do have and I overwhelm people so I do understand but also some stuff happened where ex friend recently went to ex best friend and now my trust is broken and I’m scared my secrets like my ocd themes being leaked out or something idk. I’m just tired.

@Mars Yah, they are not "friends" that I would want. It's not a fault to be struggling with stuff and need to vent. I wonder if you're engaging in reassurance seeking with people? I hope you can talk this through with your therapist.

@FalseGods I most likely will, I just need to make it till tomorrow.

@Mars You'll get there. If you can just focus on being as kind as possible to yourself until therapy now. Screw everything else, Netflix it out ?

@FalseGods I might just do that... just feel guilty doing anything and everything even things I enjoy :(( that’s the worst part! But I will definitely try.

@Mars Hey, did you make it to therapy?

@FalseGods Yes I did, it was a good session. It did made me better in certain ways. Just gotta see how the week plays out and keep working on myself.