Sorry in advance for the long post Having to take a deep breath here.... I ask myself "was my childhood THAT bad??" Alot. Trying to force myself into thinking I just developed all my issues from my own accord because I have and always feel like a piece of trash that can never be good enough for anyone. My family...the ones who should've been there at my downfall, were the ones standing there ready to push. I was sexually abused for 7 years by an older sibling. Grew up in a very strict Christian household so you are forbidden to speak of sex in a non educational way. I was labeled a whore by my mother and father when they discovered that I had been watching porn and speaking to people I shouldn't have on the internet, sending pictures back and forth. I started at the age of 11. Men that were clearly in their 30s talking to me and showing me attention, listening to me talk about my problems and telling me I was beautiful and had a beautiful body and how shitty my brother was for ever hurting me and that I should run away. But all along the way, was it really THAT bad? We didn't always have money, my dad didn't even go to college until I was 5-6. He mopped floors at a paper mill just to keep us going. My mom was a stay at home parent homeschooling us, giving us fun projects all the time and encouraging craftsmanship and artistic talent. My home was ideal to anyone who came over. So why did I dread being there. Ask anyone, they would've much rather came to my house because we were able to bake cookies and paint and make different crafts. But for me it was still..terrible. I finally had the chance to not be isolated at home around my abuser when my parents decided to send me to a Christian school. I thought it was amazing because I could hang out with friends without being around my parents... They knew about my brother when I told them because he tried a few times on my neighborhood friend at the time who ended up disassociating and saying it never happened when I told my boyfriend at the school who then showed the entire football team. (Private school, super small 100 people max including the teachers) So I was forced to leave the school due to causing drama. My mom I'm pretty sure spoke to the councilor assuring her that what I said never happened and that I'm a problem child. Well my mom quit the job she started in order to stay home so we couldn't possibly "explore" each other again. (He literally blackmailed me into doing it and admitted this) I was self harming...suicidal and angsty. I downed a bottle of ibuprofen and sat in the bathtub hoping I'd drown when I really just threw it up before it could do anything and hated myself for being such a failure. While I was withdrawn from the school, my brothers tuition was anonymously paid.. rubbing salt in the wound for me. I begged my parents to take me to therapy and to get medication. But my brother was better when he went to Bible camp so my parents said no. And added that it was dangerous because if I tell them what happened my parents could have me taken from them and my brother put in jail. And it wasn't fair that my parents worked so hard to get where they needed to be only for ME the failure of the family to tear everything apart. So I internalized that as me being the problem, maybe I did allow him to do things to me because I was just a messed up individual from watching porn (he started this as far as I can remember since I was 6-7) My dad on the other hand has a track record as well. My half sister has document proof from the court case where he was forced to give up parental rights or her mom would expose him for molesting her. Yeah this goes beyond just that. My sister barely saw us, my dad made sure we would understand that she would only believe the "lies" that were fed to her and she'd never see him as the father he was. So he would get angry and refuse for us to give her gifts sometimes, go to her wedding, he refused to have anything to do with his grand children. Because I was refused treatment for my issues besides you know. Being anointed with oil. My issues worsened and so my parents both deemed me a whore and a pill popper because at one point I was so desperate I asked a friend for her depression medication so I wouldn't be suicidal anymore. I was determined to change myself. Fast forward some more of me picking the wrong guys including one who molested his 5 year old cousin and blamed it on me and called me from jail cussing me out because I wouldn't have sex with him (I was 13). Well for 8th grade and highschool I was enrolled in a public school system. It was crazy that I fit in with everyone there so much better. Fast forward a little more past me going through typical bullying and suicidal friends who ended up in the hospital and other horrible guys (a couple okay ones and some chicks) I find who is now my husband, at first he didn't believe a word that came out of my mouth and thought I was lying for attention, until he met my parents. I refused for him to meet my brother and he still hasn't to this day. Well before my parents met him, I kept him a secret and snuck out to see him, my mom ended up thinking I was having sex with my best friend and not a guy cuz she saw a hicky and demanded that I would find a friend to live with and leave. Well I did but that was a stupid move cuz the friend I tried to at the time didn't tell her grandmother and she cussed me out driving me back to my parents house drunk as shit and my mom denied the entire thing. She was so relieved to find out that it was a guy who gave me a hicky and not my friend. He was the only thing keeping me sane while my mom would come in my room throwing fishnet tights at me that she went out of her way to buy just to come home and call me a prostitute but still she refused for me to get help because they could go to jail. I got very rebellious, snuck out of the house many times especially when I had my car but I had to hide every single phone I ever had because my dad would freak out if I even listened to a non Christian band. One day I tested him too far and he smashed my phone into the corner of the table which sent me straight to the bathroom my mom at the other end banging on the door telling me I better not kill myself. I finally had enough of this shit when I was 18. I had a job and a car so I thought I was totally independent enough to leave. I moved in with a friend and her large family and family friends living there too. Welp that worked out well. Me and my husband broke up with each other at the time because I was going crazy wanting to drink and smoke pot all the time and have sex. I was definitely not in the right state of mind. Not to mention my mom was calling me threatening to get me fired, expelled and locked up. Meanwhile experiencing first hand what happens when someone falls down the hole of addiction to heavy drugs, stealing and running from the police. Our neighborhood was completely surrounded by the police. They came in and swept the house not knowing that the person ran and hid under a mattress and in an abandoned house. Days of running and no sleep. Basically I told my husband I couldn't take it anymore there either and begged him to move in with me and have a baby. So we did, same neighborhood, different friend. They ended up kicking us out when I had about 2 months left of highschool or so. I was desperate, looking for a place to live we rented the cheapest place we could find and after moving all the clothes in, I instantly had a meltdown and decided I could not do it. I wasn't going to be pregnant living in this filthy run down home. So we moved again...finally finished highschool miraculously graduating on the honor roll during all this ontop of living hours away from the school (able to do online work) Me and my husband lived with his dad for a while and had alot of issues fighting with each other and battling mental health ontop of all this plus my parents trying to chummy up to me because I was pregnant while simultaneously downing me and also getting mad that I refused to invite my brother and his wife to my baby shower "his wife forgave him for molesting you so everything's fine now, you need to get over it". Later while visiting my mom she even took me to my brother's house when my first baby was only a couple months old to "drop something off" while on the way to taking me home, but it was a sly attempt at letting them see my kid. I moved states eventually after living with in-laws for a while we got our own place but also his brother is here too instead of his other siblings. And we are doing fine now but....i still talk to my parents after a while of distancing myself from them. I want my children to know them but something deep inside hurts so badly and I keep remembering my dad saying "what did I do that was so bad that made you want to leave"...you weren't there for me in the time I needed you the most and instead made my brother the hero of the story....the straight A student who had a 4.0 when I only had a 3.8 I got yelled at for having a 95 on a test one time because my brother wouldnt have missed those questions. After all that. One part of me wants to expose them for what they did. I'm still pissed that my parents and brother are living the life of luxury, being lucky enough to make it big and get engineering money. When I'm over here living paycheck to paycheck. I can't entirely blame them..I could've stayed home. I could've went to college. I could've waited to have kids. None of that was on my parents. I did all those things myself. And I feel like I'm absolute garbage because I made those decisions. I don't even know the point I'm trying to make anymore. I'm 21 Married, and I can't even have sex without intrusive thoughts. I developed severe pure OCD (internalized where your compulsions aren't the same as washing your hands 5 times in a row) I also developed DID. A mild form yet it's still haunting. I'm living through it. I stay strong for my babies because they deserve someone who gives a shit. Someone who's not going to let their minds crumble and fall apart because they can't wrap their minds around such a horrific chain of events. They need someone stable and strong enough to show them how to stand in the midst of intense darkness. But I still fight myself every day. It creeps up no matter how many projects I give myself. I don't know why I made this post.. I wanna expose them for what they did to me but I still feel like I'm the piece of trash who needs constant approval because after all. They're the ones who are living their best lives. For anyone who took the time to read this...thanks ❤️