"ROCD" Can I ask your opinion on something? It's about some thoughts I regret about having when I first started my relationship with my ex gf. It was on the first week to two weeks that this lasted. I never had a partner before... And at the time, I didn't know these symptoms were ocd nor that I had ocd! It was before I was diagnosed (long before) I had thoughts like "am I attracted to her?" ; "do I deserve better?" ; "is she the one?" I felt so detached of my feelings when our relationship began that I felt miserable... But when I understood that I loved her, I felt so guilty for having those thoughts... I'm not a person that is "shallow" and cares about looks. In fact Ive liked people that others found ugly but I found really cute... I think I have different likings than most people... For example, I thought Zac Efron was pretty but I didn't ever had a crush on him, instead I liked better other characters like the brother of the "villain" of high school musical. I once thought she looked ugly in a Pic (it didn't kooked like her - she's much more pretty in real life) and at the time, I still didn't saw her a lot so I only had a few pics of her (we met online) but I didn't feel like she was ugly! Does it make sense? She was never ugly but I had conflicting feelings about her appearance. I was "obsessed" with this subject. I **felt** she was neither pretty or ugly! She was neutral! And it bothered me for sometimes finding her ugly. - I felt not attracted to her and it felt so unfair to her! But like I said, this was in the past! These thoughts were only during those first few weeks! She is beautiful! She is!.... I don't understand why I felt like that... And I was ashamed (still am ashamed) I felt that way, you know? I hated those feelings... I thought my brain was being unfair for obssessing over her looks, when she is super pretty and attractive. But back then, I had contradictory feelings and I didn't felt attracted to her because of her appearance... Which I knew deep down that my brain was tricking me... I wanted her since the beginning and I felt so miserable for having these thoughts... One day, just two weeks after we started dating, I thought about if I should breaking up because I didn't know how I felt about her! I was so scared of this new experience and I didn't know what to feel. I battle my mind so much because I didn't want to give up! Part of me knew that these thoughts were fear and something unknown (that now I know it was ocd) For the majority of the rest of our relationship, I always felt guilty about these early thoughts and I felt like she deserved better... I felt so guilty that I'd spend nights crying for being so unfair to her in my thoughts... That Id pray to God to not take her away from me... To forgive me... (and I'm not religious) Please know that I was never mean to her. After these 3 weeks of a Rocky beginning, I fell deeply for her... I was attracted to her, emotionally and physically... She is beautiful inside and out... I never had a body/face type so this would happen to everyone. But I feel so bad that it was with her... My question is : do I deserve forgiveness? And didi/do I deserve her?