I saw something from Christie Hodges that said don’t trust your thoughts, trust your behaviors. Like I totally agree, but I’m not gonna lie, it kind of irritated me because it feels like I’m in the dark in how I should behave because I can’t think about it Smh

Yep, you have to trust your behaviors or senses. Your senses represents the reality, the real you or your nature if you like. Take it from me, before hocd hit me, 15 years ago, I considered myself straight and I still am. In fact, before this, I never questioned my sexual orientation. The beginning of my nightmare started with a out of the blue simple "what if". Even after spiralling down into full hocd, every mental checking that I did, gave me the same answer. "No I wouln't like that, it's not me, I can feel it". So even in my worst compulsions my senses were telling me the truth but I couldn't sake off the ocd uncertainty with his "what if". All ocds, whatever the type, are all an intolerance to uncertainty and that's it. It's like behaviors, I never been to a gay club in search of a partner, I'm not searching for a romantic relationship with a man, etc... The only way to behave, is to trust your senses and to let the anxiety rise, while not giving it any meaning. Then stay with the anxiety and finally let it go down without doing any compulsions. This is call erp and it's far from easy but it's doable. By practicing this response in reaction to your fear you will get through this. Of course your ocd is gonna make you feel like there's no way you could endure so much anxiety and that the compulsion is the only answer but it's false. So by practicing erp every day, you will train your brain into not give any meaning to your fear( intrusives thoughts) and thus desensitized yourself. So slowly but surely, your ocd will start to fade away without causing you any distress. I hope it helped a little and sorry for the long post, I got carried away.

Yes the frustration is real. Its almost feels like you have to analyze every thought like is this me or the ocd?

It’s like no matter what I do i constantly have internal dialogue about is this what I want to do, will I be happy