Reflection Time: It's crazy to me how little I actually know about my condition. Sometimes I come here and stumble upon things that somehow, give me a newfound understanding of OCD. I'd think to myself, "Yeah, that makes sense." For a while I thought I was free of intrusive thoughts, those I deemed the scariest and most disturbing. Then I realized those aren't actually the only themes I could possibly have and OCD can still manifest differently from what I already know. And although the thoughts I do get still bother me, I never actually related them or made a connection to my condition, in any way. I thought maybe, I really just have a brain that sounds like a broken record outside of OCD, a broken record of terrible things, that is. Still, I'm learning about my own condition and a lot of things are making sense. And my brain still sounds like a broken record. Sometimes, I find it funny when people tell me my brain is like my biggest asset, and they'd joke about borrowing it for a while (especially before a test, haha). I'd bet they wouldn't really want it if they got to experience the ugly part of it. But maybe that's just the balance of it all. I learned in accounting class how an asset can be as much of a liability, too, in order to keep the balance. That's kind of how I see myself, and my brain now, both an asset and a liability at the same time. Maybe that's the price I have to pay. For every perfect score I manage to achieve is an anxious mind that rechecked everything a dozen times just to get them right; For every truth that I know is my mind, unsatisfied, seeking certainty, just to be sure, just one more time (and again after that, and again after that); For every compliment I get is my mind bullying me into thinking I am the opposite (a fraud, they'll find out soon enough, I'm a fraud); For every place that I go is my mind warning me of threats (no, it doesn't feel safe, no, it doesn't feel right); For everything that I feel is my mind calling me a liar (do you really? Do you really?); For everything that I do is my mind reliving and reliving and replaying and replaying everything until everything starts feeling so wrong. And I'd breathe, and stop for a while. Until my mind decides to do it again, the whole process. And repeat. And repeat. Like a broken record. That's how it wants to be in order to keep its balance. It's been a while since this demon first got acquainted with me. There are days when it announces its presence and is clear about its intentions towards me, and days when it uses the element of surprise against me. Most days I just think I'm used to it by now. Some days, I'd stop and think to myself, what am I doing? Why can't I just stop? I wish it was that easy to let go of, but I guess it's kind of like an abusive relationship where it's NOT always that easy to just leave. Maybe I will always live with it like I've been told. I guess I just kind of learned to live with it for a while. Some days, not so much. I still have a long way to go.