I'm going to share my HOCD story. Growing up I never knew I had OCD, looking back tho I can see that I had manageable symptoms of perfectionism and scrupulously. I was a normal kid, loved sports video games fishing hiking camping crabbing and women. Always had crushes on women. I started masturbating to straight porn around 14 and could now see I may have even been addicted. I was always insecure about performance anxiety with women so I refrained from having actual sex until I was 18 with my first serious girlfriend. I loved it. Still never questioned my masculinity or if I was gay. With the pressure of going to college my girlfriend and I fighting my parents getting divorced, I was so stressed and anxious had my first panic attack. About a week later, I couldn't get an erection to a picture of a hot woman and the thought came into my head what if I'm gay because of this. At this very moment it felt as if my brain broke. I had constant anxious and fears. I was basically bed bound besides going to class. I had crippling depression with the constant gay intrusive thoughts. All of a sudden I questioned if I talked like a girl walked like a girl or acted feminine. I would have to constant repeat in my head I'm not gay I'm not gay I'm not gay all day every day. I couldn't sleep could barely eat. I got images of penises in my mouth and the sensation of men kissing me and me doing sexual things with men. I was disgusted. I couldn't have sex with my girlfriend because during it I would get intrusive gay thoughts. I would check with porn, still never watched gay porn. Only time I felt normal was when I would drink alcohol so I started drinking compulsively. The gay thoughts would go away and I was calm. Now I still turn to drinking alcohol. I have social anxiety with women because my brain was filled with gay thoughts. I avoided all things gay. And I falsely concluded that everyone thought I was gay. I lost interest in everything and became extremely suicidal and depressed. I went to therapy but none of them knew what was wrong with me. They thought I was hanging a sexual identity crisis. I would constantly read about HOCD and take gay tests online and watch coming out stories. After my girlfriend and I broke up I would have sex with women yo check if I liked it, close to 30 women. It was a compulsion. I was always drunk. I would get the groinals every time I saw any man and also felt the sensation that I was being raped every time a man would come near me or I would bend down. I still suffer from this. I lost a lot of friends due to my drinking and dropped out of college. I kept it a secret for 6 long years until i finally told my best friend. I was ashamed and still am. Now I'm an alcoholic and basically just drink to numb the pain. I have no interests or hobbies anymore and feel as tho everything is pointless. I've always dreamed of having a wife and kids and now that doesn't feel realistic. I feel hopeless. I don't know what to do. I hate my life. There's so much more I could get into and would love to talk to anyone who has gone through any of this. Thanks for reading...

Yeah Chrissie Hodges videos r great they saved my life. How old r u btw? And I've been to an OCD specialist it helped a little bit

I’ve gone through something similar. I always felt like I had a super strong sense of self until OCD struck me overnight and made me question everything. I would literally look in the mirror and not recognize myself at all. My first totally debilitating theme was HOCD and it literally wrecked my life, I quit my job and was bed bound and I literally had no idea what was happening to me. I got married and divorced because of OCD (no longer HOCD, the themes had changed many times at this point,) all the while still not knowing it was OCD. A diagnoses literally made me feel like I found the missing puzzle piece that made my entire life make sense. I’m now on medication am totally committed to learning OCD and managing it, it has become my life. I feel more prepared then ever to take on life and live in uncertainty. I promise it gets better you just have to put in the work. OCD is an absolute nightmare but there reallly is hope.

I literally stopped doing everything because I lost interest in everything :( I feel like a lost cause. I say I wish I had ROCD. I stopped taking my medication because I was drinking too much.

Your not trust me I’ve felt like that too. I felt like a shell of a person and totally and completely disattached from myself and I wanted to die or have a traumatic brain injury or literally like take a knife to my brain and destroy the part that was broken. I didn’t think I could go on again either and I didn’t think I’d ever feel like myself again. It’s a terribly sad place and it honestly makes me really sad to hear your story because I’ve lived it and it was honestly traumatic. I never had a drinking problem but it sounds like you really need to take care of that too. I really encourage you to talk to an OCD therapist for more guidance. Please Atleast watch videos on Chrissy Hodgens she’s a huge pure o advocate and has overcome HOCD. Her videos have honestly helped like save my life. Please don’t give up, there really is hope, I know it doesn’t feel like it but there is.

I’m 28 and had my first major OCD episode when I was 21 so I’ve been dealing with it for a hard time and honestly up until this year had no clue it was OCD. I’ve gone through completely hell because of my experiences but it’s definately made me stronger and I’m now in a place where I feel hopeful that I can manage the disorder.

Yeah I don't see the point of suffering with this anymore, I lost the will to live. I know this is not a life worth living. I gave up on hygiene I just lay in bed all day

I’m on prozac and honestly the only reason I ever got over my HOCD was because it just switched to a new theme. Themes are all terrible so don’t try to train your brain to focus on a new fear it won’t work anyway I’ve tried ?. When you switch to a new theme it just strikes you like the HOCD theme did and it’s not intentional. How I’ve learned to manage OCD though is as hard and literally impossible as it seems you have to live your life and stop letting OCD run it for you. All the things you did before your hobbies, having sex, everything you enjoyed start doing it again. It’s going to be really hard at first but you have to let yourself feel anxious and not respond to it by trying to figure out what that anxiety means and run away from the fear. So baby steps say to yourself oh I don’t watch this tv show anymore because there’s a hot guy on but I will even if it gives me anxiety. I’ll sit there and feel anxious and won’t turn it off or figure out if I’m gay because of it. Do one step at a time because it’s super hard and overwhelming at first. Medication alone doesn’t work BUT medication can make it so that symptoms are less severe and your able to do the work without going through a complete nervous breakdown lol. If you want I have a ton of resources I could show you that will help you along the way!

False perception*