A triggering vent. I need to get this out I’m having a rough day. The school I am planning to go to eventually has a huge thing going on where a bunch of the teachers are predators and it’s just setting me off so bad. I’m really depressed, my ocd is getting to me, I’m feeling hopeless more than usual. I can’t stop thinking about my ex best friend and how much I emotionally hurt her. I feel just as horrible as all these other people when I don’t think I ever did anything like that tho my teen years definitely make me question bc of something else that happened when I was 17 and “went out” with someone online and didn’t know how old they were and rpd something even tho it never got far at all.. But yeah. I miss my ex best friend and I was rly manipulative to her and hurt her rly bad emotionally and I feel horrible and scared and filled constantly with guilt even when it’s almost a year later and I never meant to do any of that!! I didn’t!! I had undiagnosed bpd but it’s no excuse. Like I need to keep going but I just wanna disappear sometimes. Luckily my therapist is giving me an appointment tomorrow. I just keep feeling sick and unsafe. Every mistake I’ve ever made in my life keeps eating at me and hearing all these stories of terrible people come to light is really bugging me out. I don’t want to be a bad person. I don’t wanna hurt anyone but I have. I feel like my life is over before it even begins. I just wanna be an artist. I wanna go back to childhood. Ugh.

erikaxo

Date posted: 5y

And I am also going to put this out here in the most loving way possible. You don’t have to be depressed and there can be so much hope and freedom in your life, and that’s what Jesus brings me. The most amazing thing is that it’s possible for you too! He died to save all of us and rid us of our sorrows. Always open to sharing with you if you want. Always remember how loved and special you are, and I hope that things get better with your friend! :)

erikaxo

Date posted: 5y

I am SO sorry that you are going through this. I understand what it’s like to constantly be thinking about something. My advice to you would be to reach out to your friend. Maybe that relationship can be salvaged. I don’t know what happened in your friendship, but you cannot constantly feel guilty for what happened in the past. We all make mistakes, and you deserve to be forgived and to move on. Also, you are here for a reason. I don’t know your beliefs but as a Christian, I KNOW that God placed you here for a reason and that your life is filled with so much purpose. Your mistakes do not have to define who you are now. Tomorrow is a new day. Find people that make you happy, and do things that make you happy. :)

Mars

Date posted: 5y

Thank you, I have tried. But she has not rly answered. She wants her space so I’m trying to just give it to her. I try to not obsess about my mistakes but ocd makes that hard on top of the constant terrible news of people turning out to be disgusting people and it terrifies me and I compare myself to them. I feel alone and don’t have much of a support system so I just feel overwhelmed and sad. I’m trying to just keep pushing and not think of my mistakes but my ocd won’t leave me alone with it and it ends up making me depressed.

erikaxo

Date posted: 5y

@Mars Of course! I would say just give her the space she’s asking for, and see what happens next. Since I also have ocd, I completely understand how it does not leave you alone. But you’re definitely not alone, and I don’t know you but if you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m here. And there are many people on this app as well! Also, what I’ve researched is that the more we try not to think about it, the worse it gets. So maybe recognize and accept that it is ocd and nothing more than that. I will pray and hope that things will get better for you. Things may be hard now, but you never know what the future holds.

Mars

Date posted: 5y

@erikaxo Thank you <3 this app really has been a life saver in my darkest times the past year. Not having much of a support system irl can be incredibly hard and isolating so this app has rly made me feel safe.

erikaxo

Date posted: 5y

@Mars I’m glad! I just downloaded it because I saw it in an ad and I’m not sure how it will be helpful, but it seems great so far. Life can be so difficult at times, but you’re definitely never alone. ?

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