@sanzida? Hey, here we can chat

Hey, so I was hoping I could rant about that friend I mentioned earlier that removed me from her life.

@Itz Sure ofc, go ahead. I'll be here to listen :)

@sanzida? Thank you, FYI at my work it's sorta like social work and all the employees are in our late teens/ early twenties so it's kinda like high school or college in the way we act towards each other. A few months ago, after I already opened up to having OCD to our groups WhatsApp I got in a really bad place, a really bad place, and I wanted to decend into alcohol. I said something like that on the group as a cry for help but quickly deleted it but Sabrina saw it and I apologized to her privatly for witnessing my stupidity, at that moment she decided to be my friend and texted with me through the night till I felt better. That went along for 5 months, talking daily and her pulling me out of my mood swings, she helped my social anxiety by telling me she'd always be there for me no matter what. I cherished that friendship because it was the only one had ever had like it, someone who cared for me and was able to tolerate me and supported me. After time I decided to completely open up to my other friends and I gave them a speech in person and they were far more supportive than I thought but after wards Sabrina came to me and she told me that her boyfriend was really uncomfortable with her talking to another guy on a daily basis. I understoond that and agreed. She told me that however if I really need her she'd be there. However my panic attacks didn't stop and sometimes I'd text her at work to see if we could talk in person and the answer was always no because we were working. One day I heard a rumour from a friend that Sabrina and Betty (the other girl who has OCD) were laughing at me behind my back because I'm deferent. I was so hurt, I lashed out and accused her of that. The rumour wasn't true and she lost all her trust in me. She told me to never speak to her ever again. After time I apologized and she forgave me but was very resentful about it. I spoke to her less to give her space and respect her request but then someone I knew passed away and I needed help, when I texted her she decided to ignore me. Which actually made me cry. Then a week after we spoke and decided to not be friends anymore. No matter how much I apologized or tried she wanted nothing to do with me. Now, the other day a mutual friend spoke to her for me and she said that she forgave me but does not want to be friends with someone who disrespects her and she's sick of it. We were friends and talking daily for 5 months. On and off for 1 month. Not friends for 3 months. And now I'm here. I've got through so much pain over this and I want to hate her but she was right and was there for me for so much I couldn't go through alone.

@Itz Oh my lord I'm so so sorry!!! That's actually very sad!! I mean its the fault of both side imo. You shouldn't have accused of her without checking the facts. I know you were angry and upset but you have to learn to control lashing out. And it was her fault that she wouldn't support you through she forgave you, she basically took the meaning of "forgiveness" and through it in the garbage. Forgiveness is when a person excuses you for your mistakes and builds a good relation with you regardless of the past. But that didn't even happen. She shouldn't have left you after supporting you for so long. It hurts to lose a friend and she should have known better. And also you don't have to hate her, just try moving on though I know it's extremely hard. Hating a person won't bring her back as your friend nor will it make the situation better. Just try to leave her in the past and ignore her.

@sanzida? Ya, I know it's mostly my fault and I keep beating myself up for it because I feel horrible about it. I do feel that she could have moved past it after all this time but she didn't. I have ignored her and stuff since.

@Itz It just hurts because I know that I failed her and I see her everyday

@Itz Well don't beat yourself so much, try forgiving yourself. Treat yourself like a friend and just try understanding yourself. I know it's hard rn to do that but please try to do it :).

@Itz I also know that you're feeling guilty but still don't beat yourself up. We have a saying, "Whatever happens, happens for good", so now that your friend ship is broken up it is probably for the better. So don't beat yourself up, forgive yourself. Tell yourself it was a mistake and the whatever happened is probably for the better. Who knows? The friendship could have gotten more toxic and stuff if you guys were still friends

@sanzida? I've been telling myself that I shouldn't feel guilty but after everything she did for me, talking to me everyday having my stuggles and all then the last thing she remembers is that I disrespected her and treated her like shit.

@Itz And she didn't deserve to be treated like that esspecially from me. During the month where it was on and off she did feel a bit toxic and cold. but that could have just been intrusive thoughts...

@Itz I'm so sorry but you have to let it go. I know you're guilty but try to forgive yourself. Just be grateful that you had help from a nice person like her, be grateful for all the moments her and you spoke. Also accept the fact that you had commited s mistake and that it's okay to forgive yourself.

@Itz And in her case I know whe will remember this and feel that you were some ungrateful prick but if she really forgives you she will understand that it's just a silly misunderstanding and nothing more. You didn't mean any harm and didnt mean to be rude.

@sanzida? I am trying to move on, I've been far less depressed over it than the past 3 months. However I don't want her to remember me that way, she treated me so well and it just shouldn't be like this.

@Itz Yes I get you :(. I'm happy that you're doing far better than before :). Her remembering the incident is something that you can't help. I know you don't want her you to remember as an immature or bad person but it isn't something you can help. It will stay in her mind and it's her choice if she wants to see you in a bad way or good way

@sanzida? Ya I know but I'd do anything to switch that but there is nothing I can do. I wish I could be friends with her again

@Itz Well theres a chance it could happen but you need to work a lot for it. She is probably still mad at you if she ignores you whenever you see her at work. Try treating like she is a stranger and that you guys are meeting for the first time again, I once did this and it helped same my almost dying friendship and I hope your friendship gets fixed soon ❤️:)

@sanzida? I thought of that but I don't know how she'll react

@Itz It will be okay, just go for it!! :D

@sanzida? Honestly I'm scared, most of the other coworkers (my friends) know about it and everyone thinks we should stay away from each other.

@Itz Well don't let other people's opinion ruin what you want. You want to be friends again and resolve an issue? Go for it!!

@sanzida? Can I ask, how did it go with your friend?

@Itz Ugh horrible. She is actually pan/bi and she argued with me on how I actually left her after she confessed and how she was suicidal and depressed after me leaving. she knew I had Homosexual OCD and her confessing her feelings made things so much worse!! She was being very toxic, rn I'm really able to see her true colours.

@sanzida? That sounds terrible, my ex was really abusive and toxic, she claimed she was suicidal and would prefend she did it for a day because she was in the mood

@Itz Exactly her personality is the fucking same. Ugh I regret texting her ?

@sanzida? Ya but I thought you said that pretending you didn't know her helped? Was the before?

@Itz It does help, I tried it with her but she ofc was hella mad at me for leaving her when she proposed so she wasn't having none of my bs. Most of the time it does work but my ex friend is freaking manipulative. And I bet your friend is definitely not like that so dw :)

@sanzida? Wow she actually proposed?!? I really want to make up with Sabrina but she is the one strike and your out kinda person

@Itz Yikes that's very sad :(. My ex friend had proposed to me before I ended our friendship and I left because it was making my hocd worse. So last night she argued on how I left her just because she confessed her feelings.

@sanzida? Wow I'm sorry, honestly I somewhat gave up on trying to have relationship after my one and only gf who was abusive

@Itz I'm so sorry your gf left you but you can't stay without a partner forever. And I strongly believe you'll find another girl in the future as the right time comes by. I'm hope for a bf but I fear my hocd so much :((

@sanzida? Trust me, I'm glad she left me because she was abusive. She cheated several times, hit me too, blackmailed me and a few other stuff. Then lied to everyone that I was abusive.

@Itz Hey, I'm going to be moving to a new phone but I'll keep the same usef name and try to find this again

@Itz Hi

@Itz That's actually soo sad that she did all that to you :((. You really didn't deserve that. I promise you'll find someone better. Also I forgot to notify you but I left NOCD because some new members have started to trigger me and I don't take that :(. I'm very sorry if I didn't respond to you :(

I will :)