i used to get really worked up obsessing over if i was gay as a kid. and i didn’t want to be i just thought but WHAT IF and it would drive me absolutely crazy with all the intrusive thoughts and compulsions and anxiousness. turns out...im like super gay lol. i have a girlfriend now (secret from my family until i move away after college) and honestly coming to terms with that was such a weight off my heart. i no longer spend hours obsessing over it and trying to do everything in my power to make those thoughts go away. ugh it’s awesome. small victories.

the freedom i found came through some deep introspection and therapy. once i started working on the shame and fear revolving around the idea of being gay i realized that there wasn’t anything wrong with it and that i just was! this also coincided with me finally admitting to myself that i was in love with my best friend. so i would encourage you not to make it your goal to find out if you really are gay. make it your goal to work on your obsession and fears surrounding it. there’s a big chance you’re not really gay! but the main goal should be to find mental freedom from that obsession and not pressure yourself to “pick a side”

@mb123 Thanks for your response. The only thing that scares the shit out of me is that my mind tells me I also have shame and fear about it. I'm really scared om in denial and don't even know it. I really think that there is not anything wrong with being gay, but I really don't want to be. Couple of years ago I was so desperate for finding a girlfriend. I had crushes on girls and I think it was the most amazing thing. Right now I don't feel anything for girls and that makes me even more scared. Right now I am doubting about if I think being gay is wrong. I really don't think it is wrong!! But my mind convinces me that I do think it's wrong and therefore I'm in denial. How can I deal with this??

@bm99 i attend my colleges free therapy and take medication to manage my symptoms. my counselor didn’t specify what type of therapy we were doing but she helped me to dig into my past repressed feelings and work on how to handle it when they come up and i get anxious and paranoid and start doing compulsions. through that, by some miracle, i was able to let go of that intense fear of “what if i’m not really straight.” and once i wasn’t afraid anymore i had more clarity to realize “hey i actually do have genuine feelings for my friend. and i’m not afraid of that.” so i cant tell you if you’re straight or not. all i can encourage you to work towards is pushing back against the fear and shame that those thoughts bring you. i know it can be really confusing and dark and sometimes your thoughts just go around and around in circles. there’s a lot of shame attached to homosexual thoughts sometimes, and that could just be you internalizing some learned homophobia. but doesn’t mean you yourself are gay! all in all i am sorry this is weighing on you so heavily and i encourage you to find freedom from the grip it has on you, as challenging as that is :)