I’m trying not to get stuck on diagnoses and “Do I have X, Y, Z, or am I just a lazy bum who needs to try harder?” I score low-ish on many scales therapists have given me (Y-BOCS, Beck Depression Inventory, over-control scales). The scales seem to be telling me, “You don’t hurt enough. You don’t have a real problem, you just need to get over yourself.” I’m excellent at surviving; I’m independent, support myself, self-employed. But I still suck at thriving and feel strangled in rules that I don’t know if I should be keeping or not. It sucks. Thanks for listening.

Thanks, Katie. Hm. I think I would want to say...”You’ve been in pain and you’ve been fighting for a long time. You don’t need a label before you’re allowed to say ‘I hurt’ and ask for help. You don’t need to know with certainty what your problem is before you explore ways to live a more fulfilling life. Trust your friends and family when they say you’re struggling with something hard. I know you’re terrified you’re making a mistake, but if you keep down the path you’re going, I don’t know how much longer you can hold out. It’s ok to try something besides ‘try harder.’”

@Alyosha Wow! So compassionate! What was it like to write it?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Scary lol

@Alyosha Can you elaborate?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie The thought was “What if this compassionate voice is wrong, and I follow its advice and go down the wrong path? What if God really does want me to follow these rules, but I relabel the voice of God as being ‘maladaptive perfectionism’ or ‘over-control’ or ‘cognitive rigidity,’ or whatever, and end up ultimately blinding myself to what truth really is, but never find out, and die a terrible person who has no integrity?” Not much on the line. Just my integrity and salvation. That’s all. ? It’s just hard. I’m an oddball in my religious community because of my strict rules. I want people to be able to talk me out of them, but their arguments are never convincing “enough” to quiet all the “What If’s.” So...I’m trying to sort out the probable from the possible. But that’s easier said than done. A mentor and a therapist have told me, “You can’t think your way out of this, you have to act your way out of this.” But that’s really hard to even wrap my head around.

@Alyosha I've been told the same thing. What impact are your compulsions having on your faith?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie There is almost no joy in my faith for me anymore. It feels like a prison. And I wonder, “Maybe it’s supposed to be that way?” It often leaves me feeling suicidal, because my world has gotten so small.

@Alyosha The OCD is strangling your faith like a boss constrictor

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Something seems to be the matter. My therapist says I don’t actually meet the diagnostic criteria for OCD, but that I have OCD tendencies. And I don’t meet the criteria for OCPD, though I have OCPD tendencies. He thinks I’m a depressed overly-controlled person who’s afraid of a making a mistake. But I personally don’t I meet all the criteria for a control freak. I hang out in this weird no-man’s land of unlabeled maladaptive behavior, so there’s no great label to whip out and say, “Oh. This is just my OCD.” So, sometimes I freak out and think, “Well, I don’t meet any diagnostic criteria for any mental illness, so obviously I have to listen to all these rules.” I don’t like the uncertainty and gray area. The OCD tendencies began getting worse in December and kind of exploded in May, to the point my therapist recommended trying meds. So, I am on here for peer support, whether I meet the criteria or not.

@Alyosha And we'll gladly give you that. Ultimately a diagnosis is a description of patterns. When we understand the patterns, we can intervene and change them. If your collection of patterns doesn't quite meet diagnostic criteria, you can still understand and change them

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Thanks ? Thanks for chatting. I appreciate what you have to say on here.