Jeez, I tried making an erp script in my head tonight to get ahead of ocd. I had an absurd thought I harmed my child. A little later I deliberately thought, "yeah, I harmed him " and I imagined the horrible act. Then he came back and i hugged him and told him I loved him so much. then I did the same script in my head again, but it was more graphic, and I worried I liked the thought. Then I went upstairs and hugged and kissed my kids goodnight. then I was consumed with doubt. Did my deliberate thinking cause me to harm them? Isn't it just nasty to pretend I love my kids after thinking those thoughts deliberately? Do I like those kinds of thoughts? I talked to someone about my fears, but I started ruminating. Then I had an even more graphic version of the thought. I had a compulsion to check my groin but I resisted it. Now I'm just sitting with the anxiety. But rather than affirming ocd thoughts (agreeing that I did the feared act) or imagining the feared act and its consequences, I think I shall stick to saying "whatever, I don't know" and just continuing to act like dad despite whatever I'm thinking or feeling or fearing.

OCDMum87

Date posted: 5y

I have been told by my therapist that you are better to write or record the script as with the imagination we can end up engaging the the thought. Reading a script and playing it back is meant to be very effective.

abelardus

Date posted: 5y

That is helpful. I didnt know that. Thank you for that advice. I did engage the thought several times and it upset me. I hope I didn't cross "the line". But dont reassure me! I accept uncertainty.

OCDMum87

Date posted: 5y

Well done!!

OCDMum87

Date posted: 5y

Also - I totally understand how you feel. I have 2 young children and find these thoughts and imagining them incredibly upsetting. We are still parenting though so we’re winning!

abelardus

Date posted: 5y

You are so kind. I have been suffering with this for so long. Since before my children, but then the OCD theme was different. after My kids came (I have 3 and a 4th on the way) they became the most important people in my life and my ocd latched onto them. I'm Trying everything I can, but what seems to work best when I come down to it is just hugging and cuddling and loving my kids and discounting weird thoughts and feelings. Refusing to believe in thought action fusion and not caring about sensations or feelings in my body. It has been a tough road. Very tough on my marriage. But I have to at least act like I've got it under control even if I feel as if my world is ending On a daily basis

OCDMum87

Date posted: 5y

I totally understand - it’s like talking to myself. Unfortunately my marriage broke down - maybe in part due to my OCD. I did have POCD prior to my children but having children was something I’d always wanted and I didn’t want my OCD to stop me. Once I had my children, at first my OCD very much latched on to contamination in a big way but last year the POCD (and some harm) came back with a vengeance and now it goes in fits and starts but what I hate like you say is the physical sensations - I attach the thoughts to my bodily functions - something as unavoidable as moving my tongue - and then it’s the thought action fusion. Have you had therapy? Like you - I don’t let my OCD stop me giving my children affection - I consider the biggest and most important thing I can do is be there for them - however hard it can be some days. I honestly sometimes think there can’t be a worse thing than having these thoughts about children but there are good days too.

abelardus

Date posted: 5y

I want to congratulate you on your daily acts of self sacrifice for your kids. I bet you are a great mom. I have had therapy. I spent a lot of money on an intensive treatment program. I learned a ton, but unfortunately I had a hard time putting it into practice on a daily basis. My therapist ended up becoming quite frustrated with me. My biggest challenge is letting go of the most recent problem. Now the question is did I cross the line by deliberately thinking some evil thoughts in order to do erp? What does it mean that I had these thoughts and then grabbed my kids and hugged them? I have to remember thoughts are just thoughts, no matter how gruesome or deliberate. Further, I do love my kids tremendously, otherwise I wouldn't be struggling like this. Finally, ultimately it is not for us to "know for sure" what past actions mean. The past is the past and let the dead bury the dead. Best to hug our kids whatever has been going on in our heads. It is hard, but the best luck I've had is just saying "I don't know and I dont care" whenever ocd raises an ugly question

OCDMum87

Date posted: 5y

Thank you and the same to you - we have to work harder than the average parent to be the best we can for our children. And no matter how hard it is, they are also what keeps me going day after day. We are told to deliberately think thoughts - sadly I can say there probably isn’t one crazy, awful, disgusting thought I haven’t had about my children or a child. My therapist sits there and says any thought, however bad, is just a thought but I guess for us that is hard to see. But all that matters is what we are doing externally - being good parents and fighting day after day. What if we are paedofiles? We’re not very good at it if we are are we? Wise words. I think it is very difficult for therapists, however knowledgeable or well meaning, to understand how it feels and how hard it is to overcome.

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