Also this may not be ocd related, I’m not really sure. Talking to my friend, we are both 23. I asked them if they ever still feel like a teenager. And they said not really. Sometimes but not really. They talked about how they finally wanna figure out what they should do with their life. I got just, really scared. I have this existential dread as I get older and tho 23 is young I still feel old. I involuntarily age regress to a younger age and I guess I feel alone in that. Even my friends still feel like kids or teens to me but they’re all adults. It’s hard to remember. I’m also just sad and scared because like, I’m scared I won’t be able to go trick or treating anymore soon. Have sleepovers. I’m afraid my friends will all get married and live their own lives. I’m trying to work on these deep issues in therapy but even when I talk it through with my therapist I feel hopeless about it because it’s all things out of my control. I fear of being alone. I don’t want to get married, I don’t like romance, I don’t want kids. But I still want to be apart of a family. People I go home to every day and feel that security and safety and permanence I felt as a child. A lot of my adulthood even in hs has been nothing but trauma and bad things so that’s what I associate adulthood with. Add that with everything else I am just a mess of a human being. I’m scared my friends despite being my age are all too old for me. Like they’re all moving on and I’m stuck behind. I’m scared my parents are old and my mother has Alzheimer’s and I get intrusive thoughts about them leaving all the time. I replace my trauma from 4 years ago with instead of my grandmother my intrusive thoughts make it my parents. It hurts. I have trouble caring for myself and I’m trying my best I really am. I just want to be loved by a parental figure and I’m scared of that going away. I just do not want to be alone. Trauma, OCD, Depression, BPD, possible autism. All of these things. I’m trying to navigate it all. I’m just tired. I feel really alone and it feels like no one understands. People don’t understand sometimes my brain just goes back to 2006 as a way to protect me. People don’t get it. And my ex best friend of 10 years leaving me last year bc of me doing a bunch of shitty things has hurt bc she felt like that familial love to me. It’s my fault she walked away. I just hate how ocd and bpd combined make me obsess about her even after almost a year later. I’m scared everyone will leave me eventually. That’s just how life is. Everyone will go home to their own families and who will I go home to eventually? Room mates that are just friends who can leave any time once they get their lives together? Idk. My mind is just going 100 miles a minute. Sorry I just needed to vent. I needed to get it all out I guess. This is such a long post. I feel weird today. Nothing ever feels right anymore.