Obsessively looking at every interaction I have with people I speak to and interact with even close long friends because I always see call out posts with ex friends or people who have spoken to the person getting called out and have these stories of what the person was like. I hate being terrified all the time. I never feel safe anymore and I’m depressed.

My friend group doesn’t believe cancel culture exists and if you get called out there’s a reason for it. So if I ever got called out I am very sure as much as I love my friends and as much as they love me they would not defend me for my mistakes. I’d have no one again. I’ve already lost so many people in my life either through trauma such as death and disease, all the way to my own mistakes and failures due to undiagnosed bpd. People who made promises they didn’t keep. It hurts. I’m scared of having no one again. Scared of my future being ruined before it even begins. I’m only 23 and yet it feels like it’s already over.

@Mars Hi there! I am dealing with a very similar fear and obsession. I’m wondering how you made out? How goes your treatment? I hope you’re doing better! All the best.

Like there will be a call out post on someone and people will add to the call out post like “oh yeah I interacted with this person / used to be friends with this person they were rly weird / creepy / gave me bad vibes” etc etc.

Essentially except it’s in a public place like twitter

@Mars Understand

@Fear Strikes Out Is your fear that you will be a victim of being called out on social media?

@Fear Strikes Out Yes big time. I have borderline and have trouble with boundaries (been workin on it in therapy) so I always fear of overstepping and or hurting others again like I did my ex best friend. I don’t wanna be another person people call out on social media as this horrible person. I keep feeling bad like I am and my therapist says I should be kinder to myself. I’m trying to be. It’s just tiring to balance ocd and bpd and keep myself in check while not obsessing about every little piece of my behavior.

@Mars I am not very familiar with borderline personality disorder (were you diagnosed with BPD by your current therapist)? However, I do know that all of the anxiety that you are experiencing seems to be a never ending stream of rumination (worry about future happenings) and that can be a prescription for major depression for some. If you have never been there before, it's not a place you ever want to go. So, my advice would be to continue to work with your therapist about being able to embrace the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not you will be called out by people on social media. I agree that working on self-compassion is very important too. Is your therapist an OCD therapist?

@Fear Strikes Out I was diagnosed last year by a psychologist at a mental hospital in my city when I went inpatient. Then I was confirmed I had it by an ex psychiatrist. BPD is... a lot. But yes I’ve been in a terrible depression bc of my bpd and ocd (like “what’s the point?” And “I should just isolate myself or disappear if I’m a terrible person”) it gets really really bad some days. No matter how many times I go to the hospital as inpatient it doesn’t do anything. I have a therapist rn who’s rly good, she is sadly not an ocd therapist and I haven’t found one in my state who would take my insurance and then also would work with my bpd as well. My therapist is rly good but we’ve focused more on my bpd bc every time I have a session I end up breaking down bc of trauma and my bpd brain warping everything. It’s hard balancing this and ocd.

@Fear Strikes Out If I ever get called out on social media my life would be over and I’d lose everyone when I’ve already lost so many people in my life. So many bad things have happened in my adulthood already so my brain associates adulthood with tragedy and trauma so I just continue to prepare for the worst.

@Mars Do you have any emotional support from family, relatives, or friends? Yes, as you know, inpatient hospitalization is for stabilizing the patient and very little about therapeutic treatment. Does your therapist ever discuss thought distortions with you?

@Fear Strikes Out I have friends but I can’t talk about my ocd to my friends. At least not pocd. My mom has Alzheimer’s and my dad I don’t have much of a connection with even tho he is there. The person who I saw as my sister was my ex best friend of 10 years and she left me last year and it was my fault bc I hurt her extremely bad for years when I never even meant to it just happened. I have a therapist like I said but I’m not sure if we’ve spoken about thought distortions exactly. I know we’ve spoken about being kinder to myself and a bit of like the warped black and white thinking I have but most sessions I end up rambling every week into tears bc I get overwhelmed with my brain.