I definitely feel like I have a rare form of OCD. I am so uncomfortable talking about it , but I feel like I should get it out , I need to get it out . My compulsions are avoiding looking at people , eating food . Not wanting to cook, not wanting to go out, not wanting to be alone with people. But I obviously still do these things. But best believe I don’t want to ... I don’t know what to think anymore , like it feels like when I look myself in the eyes I don’t recognize myself ... I don’t find ANYTHING interesting anymore. Because literally everything that I do I still have thoughts ... i feel like I have a serious case , and when I think about death for me , it makes me feel like I’ll be set free from this mental distress. But I don’t want to die , I want to enjoy my life. But I don’t and feel like I can’t enjoy my life feeling like I’m going to attack someone all the time . Feeling like I’ll lose my mind all the time . I hate this for my bf and my family and my kids , they don’t deserve this . Feeling like I don’t love ANYONE, not even myself , not even my baby in my stomach. I can’t think see my future anymore ... like I used to be able to , I wanted my job , and I wanted to be this healthy amazing mother and wife one day but now I just don’t see it anymore , and then in my head it tells me is it because I want to kill people and or animals? And eat them? Please no judging , so yes I said eat them.. it feels sick to me. I had not been wanting to eat , and my head was telling me it’s because I want to eat people . Wow it sounds so weird typing that . There is soooo much more to my weird thoughts , like I was feeling like I had been doing okay not to long ago , and then it came back to me felt wayyyy stronger.. I know this sounds so ignorant but my sister had told me that she had ate her poop before , and tasted her pee, and now I am thinking I will try poop ... i hate seeing poop because I think I will just pick it up and eat it. I wish I could write this alllll out but it’s to much . I do wanna say one thing that has been bothering me a lot. When people are having problems it’s like I don’t care and I just think kill them , I don’t like when people talk about other people because I had this thought that if you don’t like someone and they are causing you problems then you wanna hurt them . I’m scared of my thoughts and I’m scared I’ll blurt out my thoughts ... please no one feel sorry for me . I hate that , I hate feeling sorry for myself . I want to talk to someone about ALL my problems . I need a Therapy but absolutely terrified:(

I feel like one of the worst things about ocd are the disturbing images or the ‘little movies’ that replay in your head over and over again. I have the worst sexual images with one of my family members that actually so bad that I can’t even look in the mirror. And it’s even worse that I have a lovely boyfriend and I’m so disgusted of myself that I feel like I don’t deserve him and I feel like I can’t be with him because of these thoughts, even he is the most precious thing in my life. These sexual images are so horrible and what makes it even worse that in these pictures I always see myself as someone who enjoys it. I know how to deal with this anymore. My mind is trying to convince me that that I actually like these images and thoughts and this is the hardest part, that I’m doubting myself. These images pop up in my head so naturally that I always question myself if I actually don’t like it why it comes so naturally or how can my brain picture things like this if I don’t like it. It’s getting worse day by day. It’s in my head 24/7, can’t concentrate on anything else, I can’t eat because I’m constantly throwing up. And my mom has to sleep with me every night because I’m so disturbed by my own mind. My parents know that there’s something wrong with me, they think I’m depressed but sadly It’s not something I can talk openly about with them. I’m seeing a therapist next week but I’m genuinely scared to open up about these thoughts that I’m having.

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?

i’ve been dealing with this “thing” since i was 15. (i’m 23 now) if i have a bad memory that i have done when i was really young or just an intrusive thought i feel like i need to tell my mom or boyfriend. it’s been on and off ever since but since January hit it’s been an everyday thing about the littlest things. mostly about my relationship. an example is i was talking to someone random at my job and we were talking about taxes and when im in deep thought or just thinking i do a thing where i bite my lip (not in the sexual way) and i had a thought when it happened “was that sexual?” and i felt like i did something wrong and i went for a while thinking that until i told my boyfriend about it. or like my ex’s face has popped up in my head in the most inappropriate times and i feel the need that i have to tell him. (my ex was not a good person) i feel like im a prisoner in my head everyday, trying to justify thoughts or remind myself that its just a thought. i didnt know that this was or could be a form of ocd. it runs in my family but i’ve just never considered it being this. i always called it anxiety or depression but i always felt like it is more than that.