Hi, This is not OCD related but I still would like to share it with you guys. I apologise beforehand as it's a silly, silly rant. Also, I would like to let you know that there is great chance that you will get bored if you decide to read all this non-sense. But even if you do, I will still be thankful for giving it a go. Lately, I've been feeling like a failure. I don't think I'm a good friend, sister, daughter and/or girlfriend. I think I've done a lot of things which I deeply regret. I wonder if I'm a mean, evil person. And because of that I wonder if I deserve to be treated with so much love, kindness and respect by so many people, especially by my family and friends. I wonder if I deserve to have such a nice boyfriend. He is so sweet and caring (sorry for the cheese) but I don't think I've offered him enough. It seems like sometimes I complain too much, or pay too little attention to him. It seems that I shouldn't be with such an amazing human. It seems like he can do better. I wonder if I deserve to have such a loving brother. He counts on me and sees me as his awesome sister, but I can't even tell you how many times I ignored him or was rude to him because I was busy with my own world. I wonder if I deserve to have such awesome friends. I mean, I clearly don't: I just messaged a person whom I decided to ignore and cut out from my life a few years ago. It was a terrible mistake, and I'm so, so sorry for doing it that. I feel miserable for my behaviour. She clearly didn't deserve it. I don't think she'll reply back but that's fine, it's understandable. I wonder if I deserve anything good at all. Most likely the answer would be a great 'no!'. I think that what I deserve is to be unhappy. For the past couple of days, I've seen myself as a terrifying human being. I hate my body. I hate my mind. I hate how I feel. I hate who I am. I hate everything about me. And this brings a lot of sadness. I've failed and dissapointed so many important people in my life that it hurts to only try and think about it. Well, I guess this is it. Unfortunately, it's pretty poorly explained, I really need to expand my vocabulary. Thanks for reading this.

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

It sounds like you're living in shame.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Yes, I guess.

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

@corablue I forget who I've shared this with, but would you like some resources on the difference between guilt and shame?

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@Ben84 Yes, I would love that! Thank you!

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

@corablue Brene Brown is a renowned shame and vulnerability researcher. https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0 https://brenebrown.com/blog/2013/01/14/shame-v-guilt/

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@Ben84 Thank you! I appreciate it!

ARTnotOCD

Date posted: 5y

I know a big breakthrough for me was when I decided I was worthy, at least for myself. And then I decided that if my partner really wanted to be my spouse, then I was worthy of him, no exceptions. I know it’s more than just mind over matter, but it was a big step. And deciding that I was worthy meant I wanted to fulfill that and be the best me, because I knew I am a package that includes the worst of me. And even the worst of me is worthy. Worth all the efforts for myself. Idk if I just got into a weird, wordy rant there, but I hope some of it came across. Hint: You are worthy too.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Thank you for your help!

amineb04

Date posted: 5y

You said you wonder if you're an evil person. But I don't think you are. If you were, you wouldn't be this bothered about being a good friend, good sister, good daughter, good gf. But you do. You're a good person????

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Thank you for your kind words!

amineb04

Date posted: 5y

@corablue It's the truth, and no problem?

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