Losing my late parents’ belongings is salt poured on an open wound. I feel I keep reliving my parents’ death. So I’m already highly anxious and because of it I was so stupid and careless that I copied something before I pasted on my iPhone. Anxiety and OCD doesn’t really protect you. It destroys you. It robs you of having a decent life. I just want to be happy. I want to be normal. Why do we have to deal with this? Meanwhile my sister who’s older than me had a sheltered life (she lived with my parents until they both passed away few years ago-never once on her own) is having an easy life and still complains about how she has to pay $100/month for rent.

I’m so extremely sorry for you. I have nothing to say except that I’m always here and I know you are trying and you are strong and you will overcome this. Please keep commenting your feelings if you ever feel lost and I will listen

Thank you for your kind words ❤️ it really means a lot. I have literally no one to talk to. My sister literally told me she doesn’t care about me and my illnesses, I don’t have any friends (they mean well but they just don’t get the level of my severity and everything I do is affected by it) and the only person that I had I stressed him to a point he now experiences anxiety. I’m a burden on him and in society. I can’t support myself. I’m physically in pain (migraine, upset tummy, back ache) all from the stupid anxiety. I’m bedridden and it’s supposed to me my “safe haven” and lately even there I get anxious, panic attacks and even a meltdown. I have no escape. I might lose everything. Also lately I’ve been more out of it , depersonalization and just forgetting things I’ve done. I’m just so lost in this world. I have so much to say but afraid I’m going to forget or that I sat so much I start to not make sense. Then I start questioning my grammar and it’s so exhausting.

Though on a bright side, I stopped using rubbing alcohol to clean my hands and phone (which I have next to me in bed). Getting out of bed to wash my hands and phone is just too much for me and it’s not good for my phone.

Your grammar doesn’t matter everything you said makes sense, everything is valid. It probably won’t be good on your wallet, but I really suggest to get help. I know you probably hear this a lot but you need to get help. You will be okay and all your problems are Enhanced with your ocd and anxiety you probably need medicine

That’s so great!!! Any sort of improvement is awesome and amazing I’m so proud!!!

Thank you. Yes, I’ve been trying to get help. Right now my friend takes care of everything but he can no longer do so. I had therapy earlier this year but both the insurance and the ERP specialists agreed I need something like residential level. The problem is the places that accept insurance are out of state (the insurance would only pay if it’s an emergency) and the one in state does not accept any insurance. These places want me to pay out of pocket and sometimes up front. I’m getting evaluated this Saturday if I’d qualify for disability. That’s all I can think of. I’ve tried selling my art, im thinking of writing an article about OCD, I’m trying to do some other freelance from home but some didn’t pay me. My friend suggested I’d tutor but the requirements are difficult for me to complete.

I suggest just trying your absolute best to rake up some money but do not stress over it. Sell a few things, help some people, and in doing so you can help yourself, I hope that you qualify (that sounds mean lol) so that you can get the help you deserve. I think there are other forms of help too like phone calls and online you could try too

Thank you. I actually want to sell things but I’m scared because of my OCD of something important in it/stuck on it. I’ve tried phone group that I found on iocdf but it was hard to hear people. I’m not sure what you thought sounded mean. Out of curiosity, do you have contamination fear?

I have several OVD themes. The two most problematics are the checking compulsions (fear of losing things) and contamination fear. I’ve created a gofundme page but I’m scared to use it for various reasons. Like I’m embarrassed and ashamed, there are others who need it more than me, and that no one really cares. :(

I don’t really have contamination fear luckily but I have the checking one. Don’t ever think that your problems aren’t valid because you deserve help just as much as people who have t worse, that doesn’t mean you aren’t hurting.

Thank you. So since you don’t have contamination fear, can I ask what you would do? So my building has mouse/rat problems. I’ve once let out a mouse from an empty trash bin in the garbage room in the basement of the building (it was stuck and it was crying for help). I saw one in my old apartment and there were feces. I’ve stayed at my friend’s places where there was a mouse and I’ve lived with roaches (the upstairs tenants had a nest in their closet according to the exterminator) but I was never bothered by it. I’m in a new apartment but same building and I don’t see any mouse but occasionally one or two feces. There’s been about five cases of hantavirus in the state I live in but I’m so scared that I’d step on it and spread it everywhere. I was never worried about it and now it’s one of the main reasons why I can’t leave my bed. If I do, I have to put on socks or whatever but make sure it’s done the right way. I just feel like there’s mouse feces all over the floor and I’ll step in it and bring it on my bed and somehow get it in my mouth while I sleep. Also when I look at my feet I see black spots (small but looks like dirt or mouse feces squished-hence the socks). It’s strange because I’m at a point where I don’t mind dying (though I can’t kill myself-too scared) so let the nature take its course but then why am I still so afraid of the hanatavirus. I live with someone, he walks around the apartment and is okay. I don’t know what to do. I also have checking issues. I have to make a list of what I’m carrying in a bag, check my clothes, sometimes I feel like things are stuck on me, then take pictures of wherever I was. It’s so exhausting. And to top I can’t get a full nights rest because I wake up 5-6 times on average a night to do my compulsions so when I’m awake awake, I’m just too tired to do anything. These are my top three, I think.

I have the same thing with the checking, I heck everything in my bag and I have a huge fear of forgetting something important. I have a lot of just mental things like it’s hard to describe but there’s like 4 zones or hemispheres around me and when something doesn’t feel right I have to for example physically draw and scribble in a certain way to fix it or mentally ty to get it away it’s super hard to explain I count everything like I have my right foot as 1 and left as 2 and I count 1 2 every step and I have to start a nice floor wih 1 and end with 2 so if I walk from the sidewalk to the street I have to start on 1. Something that’s more of a mild one is every waking hour I’m making a smiley face on my thumb with my pointer finger’s nail and it’s features have to be a positive number in total. I’m always doing it every second of the day in my pockets, at school all the time