I'm sorry if posting this seems like reassurance post but I just need to get this out... I googled symptoms of psychopaths again because my mom got really upset and I didn't feel sad or as empathic as I felt like I should. Of course it didn't help. Saw post saying psychopaths fake cry, then got me worried and scared that when I cry it's fake or i don't mean it. It especially makes me think that cause one minute I can be crying and the next just empty. I saw they lack empathy or quilt or remorse. Maybe it's just emtional numb/empty from depression or depersonilzation, but I worry what if i don't truly feel those things? What if I'm a heartless apathetic person? I get scared that what if I can't feel those things? It talked about how they commit crimes and some enjoy causing pain or hurting or even killing others, but I would never do something like that...I'd never find joy In something like that. Another concern is I don't feel I feel things like I should. Most emtions feel empty...I get scared I've forgotten how to feel love, happy, etc. I read about how they don't have a conscience, would someone who is crazy beware they don't have conscience? I'm sorry for all this, It might come off as reassurance and if so, I wasn't trying to..... I just needed to get this out.

Hey guys. I feel like no one will even reply to my post. I feel anxious af. I could barley eat a plate of soup. I feel so drained and fatigued and feel the anxiety in my stomach. I'm just so worried I don't even have harm ocd anymore. Its just... I grew up in a household where swatting people was normalized like if you did something really naughty. I never really questioned it and I grew up thinking it was an okay thing and would sometimes swat someone when they are being naughty growing up and even recently. I would never swat someone at full force or enough to make someone cry just more like a hard tap to get their attention but it feels automatic? And even then it's really really rare for me to do, i much rather talk sternly or tell someone. When i do swat its bc like if someone scared me I guess I hit their hand and say "THAT SCARED ME" and we both start laughing or if my older niece was roughhousing with her younger sister and the younger one gets hurt and the older one laughs, I swat the older one once or twice on her arm as a discipline and say "what is wrong with you??? Why are you laughing? You are much older than her! You could've seriously hurt her." And idk how but i never thought like how wrong this is?!... and I feel like sh/t like ocd keeps saying "well you have swatting impulses when someone is misbehaving or if someone scares or hits you, meaning if you get an impulse to do something really evil instead, you wouldnt be able to control yourself huh?" And I started to get so anxious and scared. Ive NEVER acted out on the harm ocd thoughts (nor do i even want to) ive been getting daily for 4 years even when they are misbehaving. But i get so scared like WHAT IF I get an impulse to do the evil thoughts? What if I lose control?! Is this a history of violence/ low impulse?! Does this mean i would act out on my fears?! I've never wanted to do these thoughts before but i get scared like what if I do one day? This whole day ive been ruminating and asking ai for reassurance. I feel terrible. I feel like a horrible person. I started to cry. I just cant anymore. I feel this weight on my chest. I feel so evil so irredeemable. I f/cking suck. I hate myself so much right now. I feel so much guilt and shame. Why am I still here anymore? Maybe i dont even have ocd and maybe i never did. This is just breaking my heart. I want to change and unlearn this swatting behavior as well for sure. :(

i’m trying to not let the thoughts bother me but it’s just so stressful. even me typing that feels like i’m lying when i know i’m not. i’m scared because even my therapist tells me that it’s just ocd, but in the back of my mind i slightly don’t believe her, and its making me scared that i AM like those people and im gonna act on something. sometimes in social moments i get a quick thought of me being an outcast because im like those people who are sick in the head and act on that stuff, and it just makes me feel like i truly am gonna eventually act on something. another thing that bothered me is earlier my mom yelled at me for not doing school work (it was well deserved im really slacking on it) and i had like no reaction to her screaming. it had me thinking what if i have no empathy etc etc, and what if i get mad that she yelled at me and i do something involving those thoughts. how do i TRULY know it’s ocd? like i try to remind myself and be like “dude, your therapist said it’s ocd, she isn’t wrong” but the back of my mind is like “she is wrong, it’s not ocd and she just happened to misdiagnose you. you are gonna act on those thoughts and it’s your fate”. please someone respond if you read all of this, im really struggling

Someone please respond to this, I really feel like I'm losing my mind. This is what I've been going through the past few months: - Been unable to stop googling obsessively about my behaviors - Feel unable to control my emotions - Constantly ruminating about being a bad person - Avoiding best friend and some relatives, feel super on guard around them, like they'll see I'm awful. - with my best friend, feeling resentful but arguing with myself that she's not a bad person, but still feeling irritated. - Easily irritated, feeling resentful of others in general - making up arguments in my head, then telling myself I'm crazy for thinking it - Struggling to be present with others, listen, and empathize. Mask and try to offer support then feel bad later. - Can't self regulate, always need to vent to family/friends/therapist - Always tired - Can't control thoughts - Analyzing my behavior constantly - Questioning my beliefs and motivations and if they make me a bad person. - Always finding new bad traits about myself/constant guilt - Social anxiety, people pleasing, and avoidance - Want to be alone but can't handle being alone for long, emotional dumping on people then isolating myself because I feel bad - Crave connection - Little enjoyment of anything - Feeling bad about my negative traits but feel overwhelmed about changing - Awful memory/brain fog - Crying a ton I feel like I have zero control anymore. Everyone says I'm not a bad person and I'm fine, and that used to help, but now it doesn't. I've reached out to friends, family and therapists, but I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I'm extremely desperate.