i’m sorry for saying this. big trigger warning. but i have a huge compulsion to confess this. i had thoughts about my father, i used to think about him in a disturbing way. but i know i would never actually do anything with him. i don’t even find him attractive. i 100% know this. i don’t know why i ever thought like that. it’s just the guilt that’s killing me. i don’t even want to exist just thinking about it. does anyone have any tips? or advice..? or anything. i feel so helpless and distraught.

thank you for replying. but i was never going to tell him. i meant i have a compulsion to tell the world, my mistake. i just do not know how to handle these feelings. i thought about him like that,, and i enjoyed it in the moment. and i can’t help but ask myself why. i hate what i did. i hate myself for all my cruel mistakes.

this was awhile ago btw, and more than once. i read one time that i mistake made more than once is a choice. i hate it.

@tella4 thank you for this. this might just help me sleep tonight. i know if it wasn’t for porn, i would’ve never had these thoughts. but i still chose to think like that. and potentially touch myself to it. it makes me want to throw up. i’ve tried writing down my thoughts, i ended up burning the journal.. i hate having to experience or be reminded of my ocd & guilt in my day to day life. that’s why i’m attacked by my thoughts at night. my goal is to have a therapist at some point. i cannot wait.

@tella4 thank you.. i honestly feel relieved from your words. i know that can be a bad thing with ocd, so i’m going to practice erp in a little. i still feel a little off, but i’m so glad you decided to respond to me. your kind words really are making a difference right now.

@tella4 i 100% agree with you. yeah, i have more themes than just this one. all involve some type of taboo theme. It’s okay, i understand what you’re saying. thank you so much. i will practice some meditation, and try to calm my mind. you’ve really helped me, and i can’t even express my thankfulness. please know that you’ve calmed down my anxiety by so much.

@tella4 hey i’m sorry for replying again. but i just remembered something i did. i actually looked up the whole father daughter thing on porn sites. and now i feel even worse. i not only thought about him, but i looked up incest porn... i’ve also looked up other incest things. i don’t feel so well anymore. i slept good last night, but my thoughts are back to get me. i shouldn’t have done all that stuff. and i can’t understand why anymore.

exactly! we are having the same thought process. i’m so sorry you are experiencing this as well. it’s extremely hard to forgive ourselves. but it’s a necessity in life. i’ve only confessed to 1 other person. and this app. i too freak out after being calm for a little.. i think like “you don’t exactly know the full story” or “i didn’t even tell you all of it.. i need to tell you more now.” it’s terrible.

thank you so much for this! i will try to stop confessing. i know it’s not a good thing. do you think even as i get older and i actually find someone who i trust & love i could confess to them? or would you just call that vulnerability?

@MakeAChange I think that the goal of your and my journey would be that we can see this thing exactly as it is: a fantasy, a thought that we later on felt guilty or bad for. Like remembering clothes you used to wear when you were young. So I don't think that you'll even think it will be worth mentioning. At least that is what we work for. I think that when you find someone you trust and love, you could tell them everything. But I have a feeling that it wouldn't do you any good because it will just strengthen your OCD.

@MakeAChange I know it is very hard and again, I am so sorry that you are hurting. You will get better, but only if you cut out the compulsions. In my case, the main compulsion is confessing, reassurance seeking and ruminating. I feel like I can't go on with my life without having figured out that I really did nothing wrong, but no matter how much I think about it, google it or ask people on this app and they all say it's okay, it doesn't stick. You crave the feeling of relief and I understand this very well. But with OCD, the goal is to accept uncertainty and that feels veeeery different, compared to relief. It isn't comfortable or easy, but in the long run, it's the only thing that you can do.

@MakeAChange Accept the fact that you will never know for sure whether you did a "bad thing" or not. You just won't, because there is no such thing as certainty. You also won't find a solution by thinking about it. I understand your need to figure this all out, but you have to let these questions be unanswered and try to gain your life back.

@MakeAChange I am so sorry for writing so much, but I just read about the quote you mentioned above. Don't believe quotes. Just don't. When I had harm ocd, I went crazy thinking about this special quote, "watch your thoughts, because what you think you becomw blabla" and I thought well fuck, I can't stop thinking about the fact that I could kill someone etc. Don't believe quotes. They mean well, but they are not necessarily true.