how do i live with the uncertainty? i don’t even want to believe i did such horrible things. i was young, but thats not even an excuse. i feel horrible. i still have no attraction to absolutely anybody my age. not even any romantic or sexual feelings. which i’m sure is because of depression.. but my ocd makes me think it’s because i’m into one of my fears. hell, i literally did it! i enjoyed it too! that sure as hell means i like it! there’s no backing out. it’s over

how exactly do i learn to live with the regret? and i think there’s a big element of dealing with uncertainty.. i did all of this horrible stuff, and enjoyed it in the moment. and now i don’t? that doesn’t make much sense to me. i must still be into it, just in denial. just scared of what everyone thinks. i won’t ever know. and that’s what kills me.. how do i live with this?

@FUCKOFFOCD i’m so sorry about that! i hope one day we can learn to accept our mistakes and desperate ocd from our shameful past. try meditating, distract yourself from your thoughts. but not too much.

@MakeAChange First, let's check the reasoning by swapping in different thought content. What would you tell me if I said "when I was younger, I went skiing every weekend. It was my favorite thing to do. But now, I don't like it much. It's cold and I get sore really quickly. I enjoyed skiing in the moment, but now I don't? That doesn't make much sense to me. I must still like skiing, but be in denial about it"

@NOCD Advocate - Katie oh.. i guess i can see what you mean now. it still hurts to even think about the fact i enjoyed that. i seem to be able to forgive everyone for everything they’ve done. i have forgiveness for everything, and i do not think people can even be bad. i hate no one. yet i hate myself. i can’t forgive myself. and i keep thinking about the fact that i will probably be alone for the rest of my life because i never want to be vulnerable with someone. even if i love them dearly. i would never tell them what i have done. because not everyone is as forgiving as some of the people on this app.

@MakeAChange You hold yourself to different (and unreasonable) standards than you hold other people to

yes, i am alright.

@MakeAChange You said did one of your fears and liked it. Do you feel comfortable talking more about that?

@Ben84 I hope i do not sound stupid. when i was 9-10 i let my dog lick me down there a lot. i stopped this randomly though. later on in life, i started watching beast porn. i enjoyed it. i don’t even know why. i don’t understand it. what really kills me, is i was not looked after as a kid, my parents didn’t go through my phone or anything rarely. so i did what i wanted. and i ended up texting random men online that i wanted to be f***** by a dog. it makes me want to throw up. i even looked up if it was legal, and i knew it wasn’t in many states. yet i didn’t care. i knew that it was bad. yet somehow i still didn’t care. i stopped randomly one day. and never thought about it again. until about 7 months ago when i started feeling immense guilt. that’s when i developed ocd.

@MakeAChange I think I can appreciate the vulnerability it took to share this. Let me at least say I still care about you after reading this. Do you know what OCD sub-type you think you have?

@Ben84 hate to say this, but caring will never be enough. real-event ocd.

@MakeAChange Listen to Katie ☺