Trigger warning: therapy/ false diagnosis worry. Haven’t posted in a while as things have been looking up, but I went back to CBT today and the latest worries I’ve had my therapist said don’t fit into “OCD categories” and are more ‘what if’ anxiety worries or low self esteem/ self critical thoughts .... my intrusive thoughts seem most distressing and real in times of high anxiety and that’s when I struggle to let them go and take them seriously. Now I’m worried that they were all real, including sexual/ violent/ immoral ones and that I thought I had OCD and I don’t. I thought I was part of a community of people going through the same thing but maybe I’m just a monster if my thoughts don’t even fit the standard OCD pattern :( Anyone feel the same way?

So honestly the worst part of (what I think is) my OCD is the "groinal syndrome"... My intrusive thoughts were fading, but now all the doubt is creeping back in because of it. I know that I'm not what my thoughts try and persuade me I am. My whole identity is much more solid now than it was when I was at my worst. But at the same time, the anxiety is still there and the groinal response thing has started to come back recently... I try not to do anything compulsive but a lot of my compulsions are mental ones so I find myself doing them before I can even stop myself. Am I just going to be stuck with the anxiety & the physical manifestations forever?? Because even now, after I have learned about OCD, and after things started to get better, I am still experiencing it. I'm terrified to get a diagnosis too, in case they tell me it's not OCD or in case there's nothing they can do to help me :/ Ach I hate this all so much ?

I believe I have moral OCD and I reassurance seek about things because my brain genuinely cannot recognise if I should be upset/worried/ashamed about something or not. My brain just gets locked on one thought and cant get any real perspective. I read a post today on a OCD support group on fb where someone said "bad people often want reassurance to make them feel better about who they are/what they have done and get this reassurance online from people who dont know the full story about them". And it really triggered me because it made me think, am I not a good person? Is this really OCD? what if it's not and I am doing exactly what that person said? And that was so scary to me. I dont think I'm a bad person, I'll admit to making mistakes in the past like every other human on the planet but my intentions were never bad ones. And then I feel scared for even worrying about what that person said bc why would I worry after reading that? I feel like my brain just cant distinguish from reality and the reality that its created and its terrifying.

For the sake of honesty: My therapist said I don’t actually have OCD. He says basically I have perfection/control issues, and am so afraid of making a mistakes that I ritualize to keep from doing something wrong. I thought that if I *didn’t* strictly meet DSM criteria, it meant there was nothing wrong with me, and that I had to do/avoid all the things my mind told me to. To make it more confusing, my sister who was diagnosed with OCD thinks I have it, and a different therapist who has OCD herself thinks I have it. That said, I’ve come to view it more like a spectrum, and a maladaptive coping mechanism. But, I wanted to throw this out there, because I felt a little dishonest, and wondered if maybe y’all would rather I not be in this community. That said, I know what it’s like to check locks, stoves, ovens, faucets, lights, garages multiple times, to ruminate to make sure I haven’t made a mistake, to worry if I don’t wash my hands enough I will make other people dirty or defiled or dead, etc. I use the principles of ERP (well, try to) and find them helpful. Thanks for reading.