I am sharing this because I need an outlet. I have harm ocd, and a little bit of religious ocd. That’s the summery. To really explain that, I have harm ocd, where I worry about hurting others, through violent thoughts and impulses/urges, pedo ocd, where I worry about being attracted to children and or doing something sexually inappropriate to them, and the religious part of my ocd focuses on wether or not God is real, wether I really exist, wether my life is a simulation or something, whether I’m destined to do something horrible in said simulation , yada yada yada. I’ve been diagnosed with ocd for about 2 and a half years now, and these years have been hell. There were still a lot of good parts of those two and half years, but it often gets out weighed by all of the stress that comes with this disorder. Sometimes I feel so dogged with stress, panic and uncertainty that I feel like Giving up. I Understand that everyone’s ocd is unique and with this comes challenges, but I am just so bent out of shape trying to function. I am on medicine (150 mg of sertraline). My ocd often mixes together creating a huge clusterfuck of anxiety doubt and dread. I have gotten a little better, and am still learning to live/cope with my situation. I know everyone on here struggles. I’m not here to convince you that I am in a more difficult place than you, I am just simply having a really rough time. I just want the basic things that people desire. I want a decent paying job, love, A strong and healthy faith(I’m catholic) and I just want to be a good person. My ocd originally stems from a mistake I made as a kid. I was about 14 when I made said mistake, and 16 when I realized that I should not have done what I did. Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t kill anyone, I didn’t rape anyone, I would never do something so horrible.(funny as here I am posting , searching for reassurance lol) But what I did was wrong enough for me to eventually realize that I had fucked up. It haunts me everyday and I am ashamed. As I am catholic, I confessed what I had done to a priest. Hell I literally went to two separate priests for closure. They both told me to forgive myself and move on. I even told my mother, who told me the same thing. I’m just trying to give some background and understanding of my situation to anyone still reading. My ocd stems from me not wanting to even remotely do even something close to what I did when I was younger. This is spiraled into worrying about hurting others through violence, worrying about being a pedophile, worrying about hurting others sexually like touching someone inappropriately, rape, hell I even freak out if I get a groinal response near other people. I just feel that I am so fucked up in my head it’s overwhelming. I’m 18 now and just recently graduated high school, amidst this shit fest of a pandemic(covid), which has also played into my ocd. Sorry for such a long post, but I needed to vent. I am quite knowledgeable about this disorder now, but I am still met with tons of daily challenges and stress, as I’m sure all of you are as well.If anyone needs to talk maybe about thier problems I would love to listen. God bless and all of you STAY STRONG ?.

pureolife

Date posted: 5y

The thing about OCD is that each persons is truly unique to them. Whatever theme or symptom would be hardest for you as an individual to handle is exactly the way it manifests itself. When we look around at others, their themes can seem “easier” somehow, even when we know they are struggling just as much as we are. Your OCD is the way it is because you are who you are and it wants to make sure you aren’t the things you fear the most. The flip side of every theme is a value, as they say. You value goodness, innocence, safety, trust, etc, and so your OCD is attacking just that. It’s okay to feel all of the anger, sadness, and frustration you’re feeling towards these things right now. This is such a demoralizing disorder and my heart goes out to each and every one of us. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of people talk about “real event ocd” themes but it sounds like you have some of that too. And the waves of your obsession with this event is exactly what creates these other themes. It’s all connected. It’s also all very common and understandable for someone with OCD. You’re not alone. And you deserve a lot of self compassion, understanding, and forgiveness. You’ve suffered tremendously because of OCD. And it’s okay to allow yourself to heal, forgive, and move on. Have you worked with an OCD specialist before? Working with them on your obsession with this event could help you tremendously and positively effect other themes.

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

Im sorry about your experience. Yes, you need to learn to forgive yourself, so do I. We all make mistakes. I know its hard, but we have to keep fighting for that person we want to become.

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