I wish I could take my own advice. Posting online asking lesbians what I am, even if they tell me it sounds like I am attracted to my husband or they give rational advice, never helps. Ever. I torture myself and pour over every word. If they say maybe I’m bi, I write back protesting and saying why I’m not. This is exhausting and it makes me hate myself

I agree! Sounds like ur ocd is wanting reassurance. And for me personally I HATE admiting that I do reassurance and that it would mean no one could ever reassure me again. But I’ve learned that isn’t true - from my therapist - and I’m still working through this so I’m not by any means a professional. But asking once is ok but leave it at that. And like Daisy said try to tell yourself “maybe or maybe not” it is really hard but it will be worth it :)

Very true. A lot of wise people have brought up that even if I’m gay, I could stay with my husband. The reassurance seeking is the worst. I feel bad when I do it and I feel even worse looking over and over the posts from others. It’s not good and I know it hurts me. It’s like binge eating. I will be fine for a week. One day I’ll just decide it’s okay to ask and the floodgates open. It is stupid, I’m hurting myself and my relationship more by feeding ocd than the actual fears honestly

Hi, it’s okay! You’re not triggering anything. To put it briefly, aside from being aroused by females in sexual positions or erotica, I have no attraction. I never felt anything toward a woman in high school or college like a crush or arousal. I’ve grinded on women at parties and kissed them in front of boys but it literally never felt like anything. It was just for fun, they’ve always been my friends. Definitely the opposite with me and men. But, I’m not as aroused by naked men as I am women. So that’s the crux of it, but I just don’t consider women as partners in that way. Maybe it’s denial, who knows. Sorry, that was far longer than you probably asked for?

@wellwellwell No, that’s totally okay! I appreciate the response. I’m sure you know this, but sexuality can be super complicated. Being bisexual doesn’t necessarily mean equal attraction to two genders in both a sexual and romantic sense! And even women who consider themselves completely straight find themselves attracted to women in some situations. NSFW warning BUT there are studies that show a lot of straight women prefer lesbian pornography because a lot of times it focuses on female pleasure, which is obviously arousing to women. OCD is a whole menace so I’m not sure how much this will help, but labels aren’t necessary even when it comes to something that seems as monumental as sexuality! It’s completely valid to just vibe and let yourself feel what you feel.

@wellwellwell I’m in the same position! I have never had any attraction to women in high school or college either. I kissed one at parties just for fun but I felt nothing. I have never had a crush on a girl either. I feel like naked women are also more attractive than naked men but the touch of a man is so different than of a woman’s. I feel much more safe and comfortable w a man and it just feels more natural. But since hocd has hit, it is hard to tell the difference but honestly I love my boyfriend so much and I don’t ever want to leave him.

@letsbeatocd Lol same! I think we’re going to be okay and ocd just kind of muddles it all up! I have a husband I love so I understand. And thank you for your answer! My ocd i think stems mostly from fears of not actually being attracted to my husband or leading him on. I’m less bothered by not being 100% straight and much more bothered by the thought that things will never work with me and my husband

@wellwellwell same omg!!

@wellwellwell omg i feel like i’m leading my bf on too !!!!

@tired So what’s bizarre is that it’s never lesbian pornography or me being with a woman, which almost makes me more upset!

@wellwellwell why does it make you upset?

@holley Because at least there are reasons straight women are turned on by lesbian porn

@wellwellwell exactly! i just feel lost. i feel like i’m leading my boyfriend on. like i’m really just gay but don’t feel it deep down...

@holley Same here. It’s really really upsetting. I honestly hate it. I wish I could understand.

@wellwellwell But why do we love them then

@wellwellwell because deep down we know we love them.

@holley We love our SOs or women?

@wellwellwell I would cry leaving my boyfriend. I love him so much. I don’t care if I’m not straight. I just want to be with him forever. I’m scared that I’m not actually attracted to him even though I’ve liked guys my entire life. The idea of leaving him makes me SICK

@letsbeatocd Same here. I hate it. I really don’t want it to be true

@wellwellwell It sucks bc I can’t see my boyfriend bc of corona so I’m basically forgetting what it’s like to be with a man. We met during quarantine but we ha eng been able to meet up. I haven’t touched him, hugged him, kissed him, etc and I think I’m my hocd is feeding off of it. It’s so hard bc I know I love him but I can’t love him how I want to bc of hocd

@letsbeatocd *haven’t