I don't understand how to break free from OCD. I don't understand at all

The best way I can explain how I'm getting stuck is as follows: At the end of 2019 I was taking a shower. After washing & rinsing, I got the initial obsessive thought "What if there's still soap on you & you forgot to rinse?" As a compulsion, I re-rinsed once. This lasted for maybe 10-15 seconds. The above has triggered me and now I get caught in a loop of figuring out to properly overcome it with therapy. The OCD cycle is now as follows & the initial obsession/compulsion is no longer present. 1. "Since I had the initial thought above ^ , that means you need to pump & rub a moderate/high amount soap on your body after your shower, never rinse it off & habituate to it for exposure therapy." 2. "Now there might be a moderate/high amount of soap rubbed on your body because you might have listened to those unwanted instructions/urges & done the above for 'exposure' ." 3. "You need to be just as comfortable with soap rubbed on your body than if there wasn't soap rubbed on your body." 4. "Letting myself experience the original obsession & not perform the compulsion is not enough therapy. You need to be doing an extra exposure to overcorrect the initial obsession/compulsion." 5. Sitting with the uncertainty of the original obsession isn't enough.

@canigetawitness Sorry that was long, but yeah I'm really confused about the "E" part of treatment and it's infiltrating everything in my life, not just in the shower. It's like sitting with my original obsessions & compulsions is never enough, I have to DO something extreme. I then doubt if I actually followed the demand to do something, so I'll re-rinse, etc. And then it all repeats

@canigetawitness It is a bit complicated! But it makes sense, I think. So this really all stemmed from just one time where you had the thought "I can't remember really whether I rinsed, I might still have soap on me", and you responded to it by doing an extra rinse? It sounds like it was a really normal and occasional thing which happens to anybody, and it really triggered you, that sucks :( Unless that became a very frequent thing and your compulsions continued with lots of checking yourself for remaining soap, of course I don't think there's a need to treat it as if it's a problem in the first place. I think what Katie says a lot could probably help: "when in doubt, act normal". All you have to do is behave normally, showering normally, and if you find that you get thoughts like "I should rinse for ages to be sure I don't have soap on me" or "I should leave soap on me in case I have OCD about leaving soap on myself", you should continue to behave normally. Apply it normally, wash normally, rinse normally and then get out the shower. I don't think number 3 is reasonable. Exposures aren't comfortable and having soap all over yourself isn't comfortable. ERP definitely isn't about admonishing yourself for being uncomfortable anyway, it's about allowing yourself to be uncomfortable when it's genuinely required for treatment. As for number 4, in my own experience, resisting doing compulsions every day is just as effective as doing exaggerated exposures which make me extra uncomfortable. It sounds like you often get the thought that acting normal isn't sufficient, which feeds you back into the loop of trying to figure out whether you should be doing big exposures just in case NOT doing one is the same as avoidance... and I think it would be best to treat that idea, and thought number 5, as intrusive thoughts and act normal anyway.

@Scoggy Thank you for your response. I feel like you really understand what I'm struggling with. I do feel like acting in the way I'd choose to act would be a form of avoidance, because it goes back to fearing I wouldn't be doing ERP correctly (rubbing a lot of soap on me). Somehow, I wish I could show this same thing to a therapist and they see what you & Katie plus others see. It's been hard finding someone who understands my obsessions & compulsions as they are right now. Instead, they been doing the downward arrow technique & it's been making things a lot more confusing. Anyway, thanks again for your support. I appreciate it & am going to keep taking steps to getting back to being myself & choosing to act according to myself.

@Scoggy Also, in my explanation of the numbered intrusive thoughts, would you add anything at all to help a therapist understand better? Just wondering as you hit it on the nose with what I'm struggling with.

Yes, I do. I done have driving fears, but know some people with OCD do.

@canigetawitness don't*