i’m having intense anxiety right now because i keep ruminating about if i have deleted every single account and email with my real name on it. (one of my fears is my name being on the internet) i can’t breathe currently. i already know i couldn’t have deleted every single thing because when i was younger i didn’t care about that stuff, and it drives me insane knowing that i can’t go back and remove it all. does anyone have any tips to deal with the anxiety? i would like to sleep tonight.

you’re right, i guess sometimes i just think too much and panic. well, the fear stems because when i was like 12-13 i used to text grown men on messaging accounts.. really nasty stuff. like i’m talking DISGUSTING shit. it horrifies me. it’s very taboo, and i don’t want to say the exact thing it was because it’s one of my fears and i don’t even like saying the word. the scenario that plays is one of the men somehow hacking into the account and finding some email i might’ve used with my real name, or even if i didn’t use my real name, just searching it and it somehow connecting to me, and then them exposing the messages and it tracking back to me. or just them exposing the messages in general even if no one knows it’s me. but i don’t know why they would do that because they were leading it on too... they liked it. (which also scares the shit out of me). but then i wonder if there was anyone i messaged that didn’t like it.. i can’t remember at all. i’ve thought about it so much that it’s all warped. but in conclusion i’m just terrified to be exposed. because all of that stuff i said, IS NOT me now. and it wasn’t even me then, i was just a kid.. and yes i did know right from wrong.. but i just... i don’t even know. i was gross and insane. and if it did get out, and they traced it back to me, i honestly would have nothing to say to help myself. the only way out would be death.

jesus, sorry about that. that was literally all my thoughts.

@MakeAChange No need to apologize. I've actually had very similar fears myself. I imagine this kind of OCD will only become more common as time goes on. I know all you want right now is something that will prove to you that nothing bad will happen and that you're safe. I'm very sorry, but no one can ever give this to you, and no matter what you do, you will never achieve it. OCD will always be able to throw up another "what if" until you get to the point that none of your safety seeking behaviours even help anymore. I've been there. You don't want to be there. Thankfully the kind of scenarios OCD latches on to are so contrived, absurd and specific that we can and should live our lives without having to seriously consider any of them. OCD comes up with these scenarios exactly because they are distressing to us. OCD knows what we are afraid of, and knows where there are doubts. So it tells us that we have to perform a safety seeking behaviour or else the anxiety will materialize. This is a trick OCD uses. I see you feel guilt and regret over these actions. That's not a coincidence, that's OCD picking what to scare you with. It's not a reflection of what can actually happen. I assume you're familiar with ERP. ERP is the way out of this cycle. I know it'll seem incredibly distressing at first, but if you practice it you'll be able to sit with the uncertainty without it causing the dread you are feeling now. All people are in danger of a billion potential scenarios at a given time, but they continue living. The goal is to do the same. To live with uncertainty, not to try and stamp it out. The cravings for certainty and safety will die down if you don't feed them. Then you'll be able to live again. But it's a journey. I wish you well in this. Because your fear is so similar to mine, please feel free to send me a reply at any time and I'll try and support you through this. We'll all make it together.

@salvation i just read all of that, and i actually started crying and i’m not sure why. but thank you so much for your words. i will try to reply to you fully in the morning, it’s a little late here. but seriously thank you. and i will definitely practice erp, and we will make it out of this.