...Any tips on boundary setting? I see hurting people and want to help them and next thing I know, I’m exhausted with no time left for myself.

I can relate to you totally. I enjoy helping people in need, but I feel guilty when I try to do something for myself. I try to tell myself it is just my OCD, or maybe deep down I feel like I dont deserve things for myself. I'm really struggling with boundaries and whatnot as well!

For me it helps to decide what my own limits are on how much I'm willing to help someone before I offer or agree to, and ultimately enforce that limit kindly but firmly. Or when I feel it becoming exhausting or it seems unhealthy or they're not happy about the help, I walk away. I've found it's all about guilt- you feel guilty saying no or not helping, you have this overresponsibility thing which is so common for OCD sufferers, so when there is a possibility that you could make someone else's life better or easier but you don't, your feelings tell you that not helping is the same thing as if you were inflicting the original problem or pain on that person, and that it's your moral duty if you want to think of yourself as a good person/friend. It's moral scrupulosity. Every time someone cries out in prayer, you feel guilty for not being God. Cue the self-shaming guilt at the idea of not helping or fixing. Something inside you says that it's selfish not to do what you can- and sure, to an extent support and help is something we rely on in a friendship or relationship, but putting yourself firmly second for it isn't healthy or necessary. Helping others should simply come second to helping yourself. Even if you really value your helpfulness as part of your nature/personality, you can't support others well anyway when you're miserable and resentful and tired. And more importantly, if you can't say no then you can't protect yourself. Just like how in a relationship your right to say no to sexual contact is simply more important than their desire for it. If we spend a lot of our lives people pleasing, it can be hard to see these situations as being about our needs and the things others WANT from us, we tend to reverse it and see our needs as wants, and others' wants as their needs. Unless they're your infant baby, neither their wants or needs come before yours. You're not God, your emotional resources are not unlimited, and you can't fix everything or save everyone... Anyone, in fact. So I guess, first notice at least cognitively that it's not your responsibility. Even if your feelings still tell you that it is, you need to notice that it's not. For that, it helps to imagine that someone else you care about is in your position, e.g. a sibling, and consider whether you'd think it's actually their responsibility to sacrifice all their time and energy to alleviate their friend's pain. Try to identify your needs and boundaries specifically so that you can enforce them. Your friend may be unhappy and *want* to text you all night, but your *need* is for sleep. You're allowed to tell them that you love them and you care and that you'll get back to them when you have some time to spare and when you have the positive emotional energy to give the support that you'd like to. You don't need to ask for permission. You can tell them you're unable to give them what they would like from you right now, and that it doesn't mean you don't care. You can be firm and kind, not apologetic. They may *want* you to do them a favour, and will remain inconvenienced if you don't do it, but that does not mean that you're inconveniencing them- you're simply not agreeing to sacrifice your own needs or conveniences for theirs. They may have a *want* to get advice from you, but you have a need to carry out your plans for the day and your self care (which includes me-time), and it's only once it goes into your wants V their wants, that you can MODERATELY and NOT HABITUALLY put others' wants first, and only to the extent that they tend to return the favour. Emotional labour is real labour and you should not do it excessively unless they are literally paying you to- that's what a therapist, or a sugar baby, is for. You don't owe anyone your time *even if they're a friend and even if they're hurting*, and anyone who would actually *try* to make you feel bad rather than being gracious, is not a real friend. Consider what things to help would be reasonable if you were reading about the situation in a book or article or watching it on TV, decide which of those things you are happy to do, and which ones would contribute to your exhaustion and misery and try to let those principles guide you, rather than your immediate feelings. Saying no or not offering is going to make you feel guilty. That's just a fact. Even if they don't say anything intended to make you feel bad, and even if they're very gracious, it's going to feel like you've done something wrong and should be ashamed. But feeling guilty doesn't always mean you've done something wrong- that's a life lesson everyone would be better off learning sooner rather than later. When it makes you feel guilty, you don't have to dwell on that guilt or ruminate about what it means about your character. If you are taking reasonable, kind actions, enforcing your personal boundaries, and are recieving the same consideration and support BACK from them, too, then you ARE a good, kind and we'll intentioned person. Setting boundaries really does result in better relationships and better mental health. The guilt feeling doesn't last forever, either- in fact, as you enforce your boundaries more often, you get much less guilt about doing it, and you become much more able to notice that someone is asking or expecting too much of you, before it gets to that breaking point. If someone is devastated by you saying no to them, or not spontaneously throwing your needs out the window to care for them, then their own boundaries are pretty awful, and the correct thing to do is to get your distance from them. Remember, setting boundaries is something you do both for yourself AND for others. Other people can't read your mind if you never assert yourself- it's not fair on them either for you to grow more and more resentful without them noticing until eventually it all blows up. The vast majority of people are not going to judge you or have a problem with it if you set boundaries. And needy and troubled people *in particular* need to have others around them who are stable, well-boundaried, and do not give them everything they want, at the moment they want it- even if that want is for comfort or support. Speaking as a person with a lot of issues myself who used to tend to drain others' time and energy, having someone who is kind with healthy boundaries in your life makes you feel both cared for and *safe*. It's stabilising. It actually improves my mental health when someone listens, is patient, is kind, but sets their own boundaries firmly and predictably, FAR more than it helps me to have someone around who is always offering to get involved. It teaches independence AND resilience, and reduces my general anxiety. If someone is in severe distress, you can refer them to mental health hotlines or to others. Setting boundaries isn't the same thing as abandonment, even when it feels like it. Setting boundaries is a kindness.

This article has quite a few: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/set-boundaries#learn-other-peoples-boundaries-too

OH. MY. GOODNESS. Same. Thanks so much for posting this.

Thanks so much. I shared this with my mom too and it helped her.

People Pleaser: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shrink/201210/are-you-people-pleaser