I think I am gay. I led on my husband.

I know, but I really cannot stand it. I just got married and I have such intense guilt and sadness that I trapped him in a false marriage. I fucking hate myself

I want to get over and I want to accept it. I really do. But I feel like so much is on the line. And I just want to be okay and have a good marriage. I feel like if I accept it at this stage, it will come true.

@wellwellwell And I just have a hard time on this app because of all the truth behind it. It feels like saying maybe maybe not is giving in.

@wellwellwell I understand how scary that is. I've been there. I used to have constant thoughts that I might be gay! Until one day I was sick of it and was like oh well so what? I kept telling myself day in and day out that I was a lesbian until my brain got tired of it. Basically ERPing myself. That's the only thing that's worked for me! I wish you luck, you got this!

@Ania85 Thank you. Did you ever feel like you had overwhelming evidence? That’s where I’m at.

@wellwellwell I feel like answering that will be reassurance. My therapist recommended that I read and do the exercises in this book. I highly highly recommend it: https://www.amazon.com/ACT-Workbook-OCD-Mindfulness-Obsessive-Compulsive/dp/168403289X/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=ACT+book+for+OCD&qid=1595359249&sr=8-2

@Ania85 Okay! I will check it out. Thanks for the link❤️

@wellwellwell Best $20 I ever spent! Especially pay attention to the values part and how OCD robs you of your values! And get out of this app! I find myself turning to compulsion from this app!

@Ania85 Probably a good idea honestly

@wellwellwell I'd use it for the SOS feature though, that one helps whenever you're struggling.

But what about our sex life? I don’t want to be deprived of that and if I’m gay im terrified I will be

At this point I have no idea. Sex has always been hard, I’ve had this since we started. I don’t always like making out. I have no idea anymore. I think there were times before but ocd has made all of it so cloudy I can barely recall

@wellwellwell i feel you!!

I don’t just want a strong bond or friendship. At all. That idea makes me incredibly upset. I know you’re trying to help but that makes me want to cry, not really loving him like that

@wellwellwell I feel the same way. My mom said that maybe I should experiment and just be friends with my boyfriend, but the idea of not holding his hand, cuddling him and kissing him is extremely painful to me. The idea of seeing him move on to another girl would be excruciating if it ended like this.

@hateocd123 I agree. I don’t want to experiment or not be with him romantically. At all. I have been through this before and gotten over it and felt good again but I’m convinced again

@wellwellwell ahh it is unexplainable feeling to read ur reply to this comment bc that’s how i respond to the same types of things. whenever someone suggests to “experiment” or “just be friends” w my partner, it upsets me.. makes me feel like i’m being driven into a corner. whenever someone says “it’s okay if u are. u can still have a meaningful friendship” it doesn’t feel good at all. i don’t want to be just friends w my boyfriend. imagining him & i sitting on the couch & not holding hands / cuddling / kissing is just not enough.... it would feel like a void. it would take energy to hold myself back from what i actually want. i’m so sorry that this is what you’re experiencing. it sounds as if your partner means so much to you. you don’t want to deceive him in any way or be a bad person towards him. coming from someone in a similar situation: if possible, i’d greatly encourage looking inwards and analyzing your feelings about yourself ? you deserve self compassion ? and you will get through this

Breath down, i know yoy can do this, believe meeee

@Seventeen I know but I’ve been turned on by this stuff always. And it makes me so upset

@wellwellwell Like it’s not a new thing with my ocd. So I feel like I’m living a lie and deceived my husband

@wellwellwell My mom is turned on by women. She considers herself to be straight, and has been married to my dad for 21 years and loves him deeply. She says she's never been interested in pursuing women. She experimented in her 20s and said it wasnt her thing. She doesnt really believe in labels. I should also mention she doesn't have OCD and it's never bothered her before. She said she never really experienced any anxiety ever until she got a TBI, but still sexuality is never something that's bothered her even after getting injured.

@hateocd123 I just feel like a normal straight woman wouldn’t have this. Like this has to be true for me. Why would I be an exception if I’ve had bad sex and not always liked kissing

@wellwellwell You might be gay you might not be gay. You said not always liked kissing, which implies that you have liked kissing before. No one always likes kissing, gay people straight people, doesnt matter. It's hard to like sex when you're anxious. I found that when I was my least anxious sex was extremely enjoyable.

@hateocd123 I guess. I just don’t want to lose my husband. It legitimately terrifies me

anything i read that describes a women make me feels weird but ok that anything sexual turns you on but like WHAT IF...