- Username
- canigetawitness
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I'm not going to hurt myself & I don't want to die, but I also don't want to keep living in a heightened, anxious state of mind & body all day long. I feel like I'm just getting zapped & electrocuted all day.
like knives are swishing around in my brain, boulders colliding.
I’m sorry. It sounds like you’re really struggling. Are you in therapy? If not is it an option for you?
https://iocdf.org/books/ here is a list of self help books from the iocdf.
@Nikki1809 I've been through residential treatment twice, done a lot of outpatient and nothing has helped. I've read many workbooks too. My OCD theme revolves around OCD itself.
@canigetawitness I appreciate the book list though :) . Thank you.
@canigetawitness I’m sorry that really sucks. Was the therapy you’ve done specifically ERP?
@Nikki1809 And your welcome. :)
@Nikki1809 Yes, it was specifically ERP every time. I feel like it's made things so much worse.
@canigetawitness I know it's the gold standard & works amazingly for a lot of people, but I feel like I'm never going to be able to recover from going through it.
@canigetawitness I'm happy for other people who have found great success in using it though
@canigetawitness Yeah. Sometimes erp makes things worse before they make things better. I’m mostly just asking these questions to get a feel for where you are and what a good next step might be. Have you tried any medication? I know that’s been helpful to me, but sometimes you gotta try a few different things to find the right meds.
@Nikki1809 Yes, I've tried every SSRI, literally. And a few antipsychotics added to the SSRIs. I haven't felt relief from any of them.
@canigetawitness Here's one example of how my OCD is playing out right now. It takes the same form, no matter the content, but it always looking like the following steps: I was cleaning noticeable fingerprints off my TV when I got the initial obsession "What if you just ran and purposefully pumped a moderate/high amount of soap and smeared it on your TV screen?" As a compulsion, I checked to make sure I hadn't done that. The above has triggered me and now I get caught in a loop of figuring out to properly overcome it with therapy. The OCD cycle is now as follows & the initial obsession/compulsion is no longer present. 1. "Since I had the initial thought above ^ , that means you need to smear soap on your TV and habituate to that for exposure therapy." 2. "Now there might be soap smeared on the TV because you might have listened to those instructions & done the above for 'exposure' ." (#1 leads into #2 and they're basically holding hands now) 3. "You need to be just as comfortable with soap smeared on the TV if there wasn't soap smeared on the TV." 4. "Letting myself experience the original obsession & not perform the compulsion is not enough therapy. You need to do an exposure to overcorrect the initial obsession/compulsion."
@canigetawitness Hmm. I’m trying to do some research to see if google has any suggestions for what to do if ERP isn’t working. Do you still have a therapist and have you brought up your concerns that nothing is working?
@Nikki1809 I'm on a waiting list right now to see someone in a couple weeks from now. Each therapy experience has been really hard to explain whats going on, so we end up just going around in circles.
@canigetawitness That sounds really frustrating. Maybe this time bring up your concerns right of the bat, like, “I’ve tried a lot of things, none of it is working, and every time I go to a therapist we just seem to go in circles because it’s hard to explain what’s going on.” I know when I was really in a slump for a few years and after I left the hospital, what helped me most, along with therapy, was looking at my life and finding things I could improve. Like my sleep cycle was a mess, I was taking way too many classes, and I needed more down time and making those changes helped a lot.
@Nikki1809 Thank you, I'll bring that up. I'm glad you were able to get help & learn skills that aided in your recovery.
@canigetawitness Your welcome. Take care of yourself. Mental illness is rough.
You’re not different. You have ocd like everyone else.
I'm not saying I'm different at all. I know I have OCD.
@canigetawitness I'm saying that I'm struggling with a "theme" of OCD is excruciatingly hard & difficult to explain in words and on paper. Not saying I'm different in any way. I'm not special.
Unfortunately I’ve had this for over 30 years. I think you need to learn the techniques to mange the ocd. I agree we want to control the ocd but sometimes that will not be possible and you need to be ok with that.
I'm sorry you've been struggling with OCD for a long time. I agree with you, it's important to apply tools to get better. I'm just not sure how to apply them is the problem.
What I’m trying to tell you is keep going. I know you can reach a breaking point and it’s exhausting but you’ve got this. You will find what works “best for you” and incorporate it into your life.?
Thank you. I don't feel like I have those qualities at the moment, but I appreciate you saying that. I hope you are able to get relief from this as well. You stay strong too.
Lately my theme right now is also OCD about OCD, and if im engaging in compulsions or not. So kind of similar to what youre experiencing. I also get stuck in the loop of trying to figure out what ERP would want me to do. For me, my compulsions are to actually figure/solve out what I "should do" in regards to therapy. Mostly about if I'm responding to intrusive thoughts correctly or not. Soemtimes I have to tell myself that maybe I am or maybe im not responding correctly, I have no way of knowing. I'm not sure if this will help or not, but maybe try not to figure out how to overcome it with therapy, since it seems like the core fear is that youre not doing the therapy process correctly. Maybe try to resist the urge to try and create an exposure for yourself. Maybe the exposure is for you to not do an ERP exposure, and let yourself feel the anxiety in that. I just watched a video on youtube that seemed to help me a bit, and it sounds like it may help with what you're going through. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OMJFaxwn7sU Hang in there!
I'm sorry you're struggling with this too. I can relate to this video. Thanks for sharing. It's like no matter what decision I decide to take, OCD says, "wrong, ERP would want you to do it this way." For example, if I take a shower regularly and get out, my OCD says "wrong, you need to smear soap on you and leave it lathered, dried on you forever." Or if I'm watching TV, "wrong, you need to smear soap on the TV". Basically, if something bothers me, my mind immediately says it's OCD. It's feels like torture in a way that I've never experienced with OCD.
Its just the ocd from another angle, I would do the opposite of what the ocd wants you to do. If the ocd tells you to smear soap on the t.v. I wouldnt. Basically I will do the opposite of what makes me feel comfortable and get used to the fear that brings. Let your mind say anything and let the thought hang there. You dont have to answer it. Debating with it in your head is fueling the illness.
It’s not some special type of ocd. You have to stop doubting everything and start doing the homework. You have referenced the soap smeared on the tv and soap from shower. Correct?
Yes, that's me.
@canigetawitness I'm not saying it's special, you are.
I’m just saying it sounds like your doubting the professionals and the treatment plans.
No, it's not that either.
@canigetawitness I want to live on my terms, not OCD's terms. That's what this boils down to for everyone, right? And that's what I'm trying to work at, but everything has gone in the opposite direction.
I hope I’m not coming across as harsh and only want the very best for your recovery. I’m just hoping you’ll keep an open mind to the therapies.
I am keeping an open mind. Where everything keeps clashing is applying ERP to my obsessions & compulsions as they present themselves.
@canigetawitness Until myself AND a therapist can identify these, the treatments aren't going to be successful if we aren't treating the active OC symptoms
I’m not an ERP expert and I’ve dealt with the ocd for many years on my own not knowing the techniques. Have you looked at meditation techniques to quiet the mind?
Yes, I've tried the meditation tips and they haven't been helpful unfortunately.
The path and journey to alleviate the ocd will take time, patience and strength. I know you have those qualities. I wasted half my life on this illness. Not as bad as yours, but it’s a time stealer.
Thanks bro. everyday is a new chance to approach and attack the ocd. Be kind to yourself without self blame or regret and keep fighting.
Just to add to the above, I find not matter what is bothering me, even if I cant put it into words is to expose myself to WHATEVER the fear is. I find the themes can often change, but exposing yourself to the fear really works, even if the fear is "the therapy doesnt work" or "my ocd is differant to everyone else's" thats just the ocd attacking from another direction. In my experience any ruminating around ocd type issues is just another compulsion.
Guys, I feel like I am depressed tho. Like actually. When my mom hugged me I didn't even smile. I have had no like expression all day. I feel like shit. At home mom goes to work early and comes home late. Then it's only me my little sister and my dad. Who does everything? I fucking do. I clean, do the dishes, make sure my sisters eat, make everyones bed, puts up games when we play, watching my sister to make sure dad doesn't do anything, and am nice to them. I don't know what more I can do. I feel so much stress every fucking day. I don't tell anyone this but.... Yes I fucking cry everyday, every night. I am just a fucking kid and I do shit like I'm a mom. I haven't told much people about this. I have only told maybe 1 person but... When Kaige( my ex)called me a hoe and everyone was making that a huge joke, I did something I shouldn't have. I cut.i cut myself. I felt I deserved the pain. I deserved everything. That I wasn't worth it. Nobody cares. I let myself hurt for what other people have done to me. And right now at home. I feel like nobody appreciates me. nobody cares. no body knows what goes through my head except me
I feel like God has abandoned me because my thoughts are out of control. 😭
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