Guys, I'm at a breaking point. I don't know what to do anymore.

https://iocdf.org/books/ here is a list of self help books from the iocdf.

@Nikki1809 I've been through residential treatment twice, done a lot of outpatient and nothing has helped. I've read many workbooks too. My OCD theme revolves around OCD itself.

@canigetawitness I appreciate the book list though :) . Thank you.

@canigetawitness I’m sorry that really sucks. Was the therapy you’ve done specifically ERP?

@Nikki1809 And your welcome. :)

@Nikki1809 Yes, it was specifically ERP every time. I feel like it's made things so much worse.

@canigetawitness I know it's the gold standard & works amazingly for a lot of people, but I feel like I'm never going to be able to recover from going through it.

@canigetawitness I'm happy for other people who have found great success in using it though

@canigetawitness Yeah. Sometimes erp makes things worse before they make things better. I’m mostly just asking these questions to get a feel for where you are and what a good next step might be. Have you tried any medication? I know that’s been helpful to me, but sometimes you gotta try a few different things to find the right meds.

@Nikki1809 Yes, I've tried every SSRI, literally. And a few antipsychotics added to the SSRIs. I haven't felt relief from any of them.

@canigetawitness Here's one example of how my OCD is playing out right now. It takes the same form, no matter the content, but it always looking like the following steps: I was cleaning noticeable fingerprints off my TV when I got the initial obsession "What if you just ran and purposefully pumped a moderate/high amount of soap and smeared it on your TV screen?" As a compulsion, I checked to make sure I hadn't done that. The above has triggered me and now I get caught in a loop of figuring out to properly overcome it with therapy. The OCD cycle is now as follows & the initial obsession/compulsion is no longer present. 1. "Since I had the initial thought above ^ , that means you need to smear soap on your TV and habituate to that for exposure therapy." 2. "Now there might be soap smeared on the TV because you might have listened to those instructions & done the above for 'exposure' ." (#1 leads into #2 and they're basically holding hands now) 3. "You need to be just as comfortable with soap smeared on the TV if there wasn't soap smeared on the TV." 4. "Letting myself experience the original obsession & not perform the compulsion is not enough therapy. You need to do an exposure to overcorrect the initial obsession/compulsion."

@canigetawitness Hmm. I’m trying to do some research to see if google has any suggestions for what to do if ERP isn’t working. Do you still have a therapist and have you brought up your concerns that nothing is working?

@Nikki1809 I'm on a waiting list right now to see someone in a couple weeks from now. Each therapy experience has been really hard to explain whats going on, so we end up just going around in circles.

@canigetawitness That sounds really frustrating. Maybe this time bring up your concerns right of the bat, like, “I’ve tried a lot of things, none of it is working, and every time I go to a therapist we just seem to go in circles because it’s hard to explain what’s going on.” I know when I was really in a slump for a few years and after I left the hospital, what helped me most, along with therapy, was looking at my life and finding things I could improve. Like my sleep cycle was a mess, I was taking way too many classes, and I needed more down time and making those changes helped a lot.

@Nikki1809 Thank you, I'll bring that up. I'm glad you were able to get help & learn skills that aided in your recovery.

@canigetawitness Your welcome. Take care of yourself. Mental illness is rough.

I'm not saying I'm different at all. I know I have OCD.

@canigetawitness I'm saying that I'm struggling with a "theme" of OCD is excruciatingly hard & difficult to explain in words and on paper. Not saying I'm different in any way. I'm not special.

I'm sorry you've been struggling with OCD for a long time. I agree with you, it's important to apply tools to get better. I'm just not sure how to apply them is the problem.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this too. I can relate to this video. Thanks for sharing. It's like no matter what decision I decide to take, OCD says, "wrong, ERP would want you to do it this way." For example, if I take a shower regularly and get out, my OCD says "wrong, you need to smear soap on you and leave it lathered, dried on you forever." Or if I'm watching TV, "wrong, you need to smear soap on the TV". Basically, if something bothers me, my mind immediately says it's OCD. It's feels like torture in a way that I've never experienced with OCD.

Yes, that's me.

@canigetawitness I'm not saying it's special, you are.

No, it's not that either.

@canigetawitness I want to live on my terms, not OCD's terms. That's what this boils down to for everyone, right? And that's what I'm trying to work at, but everything has gone in the opposite direction.

I am keeping an open mind. Where everything keeps clashing is applying ERP to my obsessions & compulsions as they present themselves.

@canigetawitness Until myself AND a therapist can identify these, the treatments aren't going to be successful if we aren't treating the active OC symptoms