this is a lot to unpack just because my mind is racing and i could probably win a marathon w my thoughts because they’re going so fast sorry if it’s hard to understand. me:17,female,not diagnosed with ocd, but it is a very heavy topic in many of my sessions and we are trying to figure it out (imsosorryifthisisntokaytodo) anyways here we go lol i always think that i might just be faking my mental illnesses in order to get attention from people. like i grew up in a very loving household where it a priority of a single mother to do the best she can in giving her three kids everything that they need and equal attention, but i always felt like i needed to act like there was something wrong with me (physically) like i would make up the most bizarre things to claim that i was sick and hurt. i would constantly use ace wrap bandages, bandaids, crutches, slings literally ANYTHING to draw attention to a wound that isn’t even real. so then growing up i learned more about mental illnesses and becoming more open to talking about them (this is past the faking injuries phase) with my therapists and close family. i then learned that i have anxiety, major depression, bpd, and bipolar disorder in the past like 4-5 years. so ive gotten help and i am now on meds but for some reason i always feel like ive manipulated myself and maybe even other people to think that i have all of these things so i can get attention and that in real life im just a sociopathic person who harmed themselves to the point of making themselves believe they have these illnesses. i haven’t talked about this to my therapist yet just because i feel like she won’t take me seriously and that she’ll “see though my lies” that don’t even exists(or do? I DONT KNOW IM PANICKING RN) and i then will start to feel like i can’t say anything because she doesn’t feel the need to help a sociopathic person. and thinking about it more makes me feel like im even more crazy because im feeling what im thinking about but im afraid of the outcome if i seek help. so that’s a big thought #1. this next one is like kind of hard to talk about because it’s religion and ive had the absolute most spiraling road of thoughts about it. so i was raised to believe god. growing up though i began to have thoughts of like worshiping the devil( that idk even exists like what) or practice something just other than christianity, questioning the whole system of christianity, and constantly wondering if it is real. like i feel like i need some sort of proof or else i feel lile im just part of a whole prank and one day someone is just going to reveal that none of it was real and that they made me worry about something that doesn’t even exists (which kind of leads more into trust issues i think?? idk) anyways, i just continued to have that mindset and would always debate with my mom about it (not really debate but more of discuss it deeply but then just agreed to disagree) until like 5 days ago when i was just laying in my bed and i texted my brother (who is a very open and accepting christian) about my beliefs and how to get stronger with god and my faith. this was completely out of NO WHERE and right after we had the conversation he bought be a bible and a prayer journal. i then think i became obsessed with the thought of having something to believe in because i struggle a lot with seeing what’s real and what’s fake and i jumped head into writing like two pages in the prayer journal and then i read it out loud and cried. i said stuff like “i believe in you, ur real, thank you, etc.” but now thinking about it i feel like i was just trying to convince myself. (that all happened the night of the convo w my brother) the next day i went to church with them and the same thing happened i became very into worship and greeting people and talking to people just about their testimonies and hell i literally asked my brother when is the next baptism because i wanted to be reborn for “finding god”. after church i got home and i felt like a complete liar and faker and that people could see that i don’t believe in god, I’m not a good Christian, and stuff like that. so that night i didn’t write in the journal and i tried not to focus on anything religious. so now today, I’m having a really bad episode where I’m just questioning everything and wondering if stuff is real and shit and i fee like by even typing this i am offending god who i don’t know if he even exists (and then if he doesn’t exists WHY AM I EVEN WORRYJNG LIKE THIS AHHHHH I’m so stressed) so i don’t know if it’s lying per say but i don’t know what else to call it. growing up i was a VERY compulsive liar and even now i struggle with it but i really am trying to get better. and i don’t lie with a reason behind it to harm people purposely at ALL, i think it’s just my struggle with reality and what’s real what’s fake so i create like these stories and i start to believe them. i create such elaborate lies and i will just tell them to people and i feel so bad after i get out of it but like in that moment of telling it i don’t realize because I’ve convinced myself that the story/lie was a reality because isolate myself a lot and i get scared talking to people so i shut down and i like dissociate i guess and go into auto pilot mode. i also feel like do it to avoid being hurt because i have this fear where if i don’t do the right thing im going to “pay for it” and i will create the most rash scenarios and THEN i go into that auto pilot mode and create a story just in order to save myself which sounds so selfish and i feel like a pos for doing it but i genuinely can not control it. man i need to gts but my brain won’t shut up.