I need some help. I'm doing really badly today. It because a real trigger actually happened. I was doing so well up until now, weeks and weeks went by of me doing really well. Then last night I came across something disturbing online and now I'm back to square 1. My brain keeps making up stories about it and telling me I'm a bad person.

A part of recovery is relapse. Let it happen. Do exactly what you did before to lift yourself up and stand up against OCD.

If you were recovering strongly once, you can do it again. This episode is just a little bump, not the new normal, you got this

Ok so. Being bothered by it and having the regular extreme anxiety from it doesn't mean you're back at step one, no need to feel catastrophise-y about that, it can pretty much be what's expected until the point where the response prevention is stronger than the concern, so the things you've learned and been processing are still important and useful, you'll get there. Ocd=lame had some good advice there for perspective- once we are past a theme it seems a lot less threatening, and when you know something you're experiencing is OCD, it helps to know that being relaxed about it is a likely future outcome and something to look forward to. It looks like in your comments you're going back and forth a bit between which part of this feels worse for you, which makes sense because although the photos one is objectively very unlikely, it also is a worse possibility than even the corpse story having necrophilia in it, because it would be a real person. But that also maybe is a demonstration for you about how when you feel reassured about one thing, your brain immediately jumps to the next threat- probably self reassurance, even though it feels like the only way out, isn't a really effective strategy. So for analysis... I think it's a mistake btw to try to link the two things- you wrote that the webcam girls are probably fine as it's a legal website (they require multiple IDs from the models to verify age etc), but then the story became a piece of evidence to cast doubt on how above-board the website is and undermine your confidence about the first one. Ads on literotica come from sites which aren't literotica, and if literotica had made a mistake about how careful they were with the advertisers they choose, that would be a different issue and different department to how the actual site content is moderated. I suspect that the link you've got going between the two of them is fundamentally a struggle you're having with that contamination element to your OCD. Two scary unknowns were presented to you at the same time, together, so doubts about one are being displaced onto another by association. That contamination is also evident where you talk about contact with or exposure to things you feel are morally wrong would make you 'bad'. I'm glad you've been able to feel a bit better. Usually I would suggest something like looking at what the consequences would really be, and whether you could handle them, if your worries were true. It seems like the consequence in would be feeling that you've done something wrong, and it's that threat of blame and contamination which is driving you to want to disprove the fears and put distance between them and your morality. Although it's good to draw that line between intentional wrongdoing and guilt-by-association, and it's important that you understand the difference, I don't think it's going to help you out with your complex scrupulosity-contamination struggle to always seek a firm line between an idea of yourself as pure and outside forces as malicious, as (for me at least) doing this just tends to cycle you back round to agonising about past mistakes and wrongdoings. There's is a balance to be found, where you can accept yourself and find that you're worthy of love and acceptance including (even especially!) when you're not perfect, and also see the world as an imperfect but loveable and mostly safe place. I do believe you're capable of finding that balance and that you're going to succeed at finding it, too, you're a smart cookie. It sounds like the idea of society or anybody finding you/your character blameworthy and below-standard feels really scary for you, and my best advice would be to brave some anxiety and ask yourself what it would mean, and what the emotional consequences would be, if you were to experience judgment without compassion. Like, if someone said those things you're worrying about yourself, that you really are a bad person for accessing literotica for years, that you should have known better and that you've made a grave mistake. The core fear seems to be that something you have done wrong or will do wrong, will amount to you being wrong, and that being judged like that would scar you. You've talked a bit before about your childhood and it sounds like this is something you've already experienced- falling short of perfect behaviour has caused others to treat you as if it's a reflection of the core of who you are, discounting all other things about you and maintaining a permanent negative judgment based on that. So I want you to know that to treat someone that way is to treat someone as subhuman, and it was unacceptable. Nobody is perfect. Whoever was so nasty to you, was not perfect, and you were a convenient scapegoat for them to externalise and deflect their own feelings of defectiveness and moral failure onto, as I suspect you're doing down by deflecting your own similar feelings onto the things you see online. Toxic shame deflected onto others is the way that trauma is passed down the generations, and it's not surprising, because not deflecting it somewhere else, to draw a line between it and you, would leave all that pain and shame with nowhere to go but sit inside and make you feel literally rotten, like you're rotting. You don't deserve to feel it, it was never your shame in the first place, it was spread to you like an infection, and probably spread the same way to the person who gave it to you- who, I guarantee, still feels it, and is probably still deflecting it onto people and situations and things in the form of moral outrage, to this day. I don't know if you can access/afford therapy, but I managed to make a lot of strides towards internalising the fundamental innocence and forgiveability of others and myself by reading particular books, and they helped me to stop feeling that I need to draw the hard lines between myself and imperfection in people and the world in order to be OK. It stopped the majority of my moral scrupulosity dead in its tracks, because the idea of being blamed, or judged, or rejected just no longer hurts in the very deep way it used to. It's still scary, but it's something I now feel I would survive and even come out of stronger and more compassionate, so whilst I still struggle to feel trusting enough to share things I feel bad about, my self image is better balanced with self-kindness and self-tolerance, so I don't have the drive anymore to fend off possibilities which seem to threaten a perfectionistic self image. I don't need to be seen or see myself as perfect anymore in order to avoid feeling intense shame, so there is nothing to be threatened. The books are: Healing the Shame that Binds you, C-PTSD: from surviving to thriving, the Tao of Fully Feeling, and Letting Go by David Hawkins. Plus a lot of internet reading about the concept of self-compassion, and all of Brené Brown's YouTube/TED talks. I really recommend all of them.