I feel like I'm failing at life. The friends I do have left are already living their lives, going to college, getting good jobs. All I do is sit at home overthink constantly horrible things. I have a hard time suriving working at a small retail job. And I don't really have any passion for a career. I wish more than anything I thought normally so I could have a decent t least life....why did I have to be like this? I'm sorry for the random rant

I feel like my thoughts have been getting worse and I ruminate a lot. This morning I told myself I wasn’t going to let the thoughts get to me but it’s hard. Than the anxiety kicks in and my heart starts racing so fast and I just have these intrusive thoughts. And I don’t want to do the things I normally do to feel better but I feel like I don’t do my compulsion I will end up doing what my intrusive thoughts are and it scares me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so scared. I want to get out of this cycle but I lack discipline and strength. I don’t know if I’ll ever get out of this. I want to get better but I can’t seem to ignore the thoughts or the feelings. I wish I could be like some of the people on here who can discipline and know thoughts are thoughts. I’m just so weak minded. It’s so hard, I want my life back before I had all these disgusting thoughts. I want me back and I don’t know if I ever will. I’m scared that erp won’t work for me. I’m just so pessimistic. I’m scared of doing erp and coming out of it realizing I am those things. Everyday I wake up it’s like I’m trying to survive. I worry about when night comes and what will happen if I sleep and if I’ll be able to get sleep. I worry about waking and waking up to me checking to make sure everyone in my house is okay. To make sure I didn’t do thoughts that I had about my family members. I feel guilty being around my family members because of the thoughts I have about them. I’m afraid of being alone with them for too long because I’m scared that the anxiety will get to me and I’ll do something disgusting. I just don’t understand why this happened to me and why I have to suffer. Everyday is a constant battle. I just want to give up or just move away. Maybe even get up start a new life where I just live alone and don’t hurt nobody. This is so hard and I hate it so much. If you read my rant, thank you💗.

This isn’t even about ocd but I need to vent. You don’t have to read or respond if you dont want to. I’m such a failure and I don’t even know why I’m alive. All I do is sit in my bed and go on my phone 24/7 a day. I never do homework and I’m doing so bad in school because it’s so hard. And I’m literally the weakest person ever and I give up at everything. I try to work on a project for one second and give up. I have no hobbies or any goals for the future. I’m just so lazy and a burden to everyone in my family. I’m ignoring my friends. I just feel like such a negative lazy person and quitter. I don’t know how I’m gonna get anywhere in life.

I didn't even realize. I'm about to get my period and my anxiety is higher. I'm noticing how my friend hasn't written back to my texts or hasn't answered the last 3 times I called. I think he doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I wrote a text and asked if I did something wrong and he didn't respond. My other friend annoyed me. And I think my other friend doesn't like me that much. I feel abandoned and forgotten and like I must be a bad friend or bad person or why would they all forget me like this. What did I do? Did I take my opinions too far? I've been picking at my skin, having a feeling of unrest. I just watch Netflix and lie on my couch to avoid it. I look okay, but I haven't worked in a year purposefully to find a new way, but I haven't found it yet. I'm doing so much, but it always feels like too little. I tell myself again and again that I'm doing enough, but there's always a voice that says no you're lazy, you're unhealthy and you're just making excuses. I hyperfixate on stupid solutions like blood tests, supplements, genetic testing to explain my symptoms my depression (or is it laziness) my anxiety, my lack of energy, my aches and pains. I quit all drugs and alcohol even caffeine. I track my sleep. I want to feel good. And believe it or not I was thinking I did feel good? Until the afternoon. I don't know. I really hope this is just some fucking b vitamin deficiency and I'll take some pills and be reborn as a human and not a trash pile. Look at me all perfect. With all my career, and my money, and friends who don't like me. Don't I look put together. I'm so imperfect and so scared of anyone finding out. I'm so scared to tell anyone how messed up I am on the inside. I rant to my therapist, my coaches, whoever but I'm just going around in circles. Without support I'd be fucking nuts. Thankfully I pay people to support me. Because no one would for free. Fuck my.life.