why is the night time so frightening? maybe my existential thoughts get loudest right before sleep because sleep is the literal act of giving into uncertainty sleep is a huge daily act of letting go...i think the worst thing about ocd and there are a lot but being afraid of your own mind is a horrible feeling i want to learn to love my mind again i dont think i always felt this way or this low... when i listened to dr emily oleary on the ocd stories podcast i started to cry tears of relief because those two days prior i was experiencing crying spells and panic attacks and i just typed ocd into my podcast app after remembering that i had googled one of the themes in my head a few years back and ocd had popped up as an answer and the first episode i played of the ocd stories was the only interview she had done and i picked it at random and i finally felt this ability to turn my thoughts off by listening to her very grounded sure voice and she started talking to the listeners in this way that made it feel like a comforting call to those of us in distress and i still was and probably am still on the fence on about my ocd but when i couldnt calm the thoughts in my head, the loudest of all of them being that i am a bad person, she said more or less something like this, "not to generalize the whole group but people with ocd are awesome, they are so awesome, you guys are so smart and so caring with such empathy and the reason you got this is because you care too much you care too much about people and stuff which is an awesome thing its just that you get stuck on it and so you have to be smart about it no matter how much you wanna have a chat with the beast you just cant but you can smash this you totally can and those of you with the harm and sexual thoughts stop sitting in silence i know you are scared but this is standard variety stuff for people in our field and you are not a bad person you are a good person find someone to talk to you can smash this" obviously ocd cant be summed up perfectly in one quote but to hear her enthusiasm, passion and certainty about treating ocd i just felt a release of emotion and she talked about how she fell in love with working with ocd patients and how much she genuinely looks forward to working with people with ocd every day, i listened to that recording probably 5 or 6 times since then, during times of needing comfort, im sure that some might say that its a compulsion but until i start my sessions im fine with that for now ... im so thankful i listened to that episode i wish i lived in australia so i could get her help specifically but im glad to have this app and this community especially during covid ... if anyone is hating on themselves right now i hope you have something like this a quote from a book, a metaphor, a song, a loving memory, a ted talk, an amazing dream, or moment that you can cling to during the struggles to help you flip the script in your head sending out positivity and good vibes 🙏💕 good night everyone hoping to fall back asleep