I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m completely losing touch with myself and reality. I’ve been thinking about the same thing for the past month. Day in and day out. No relief. I keep replaying the memory over and over again in my mind since the moment it happened, and I am absolutely convinced I had terrible intentions because of a thought I had prior to executing an action. I can’t find relief. I don’t know what to do. I can’t focus on anything. Everyone around me is starting to notice. I can’t hide it from my family anymore and I’m afraid to let them into my mind because they will think I’m insane. And I’m starting to feel absolutely insane. I don’t even know how to think about normal things or act normal.

I just keep replaying that night. And I comfort myself with the thought that I was practicing erp and trying to stand up to my ocd. I was trying to “do what someone would do if they didn’t have ocd thoughts” and that resulted in me handling my daughter in a way I jormallynwould never due to my ocd. But I remember (I think) at some point in that whole ordeal I had the thought “you should do that to get your urge out of your system” it was just a thought and I (for once) chose not to dissect it like I normally would and carried out the action anyways. And now because I didn’t resist or dissect the thought or give it too much attention like I normally would, I’m fearful that the TRUE reason I carried out the action of handling my daughter in that way was to get an urge out of my system.

@Freemeofocd It sounds like you know who you are versus who you fear you are. I just had an episode thinking I cheated on my wife. It can all be so scary and time consuming. Are you familiar with the difference between pain and suffering? It’s something I read from Stephen C Hayes but what you are experiencing is painful. I get it remember I thought I hurt my kids? You can feel that pain but you can choose to suffer. So when you ruminatine your giving it validation. Choose not to suffer, walk slowly to your values. You seem like you value your daughter. Sitting in that unknown sucks and I definitely have not mastered it. But you can choose to let it hit you, acknowledge that it’s uncomfortable but than go act on your values.

@JohnS I appreciate your response so much. I feel like we can relate because we have been through such similar things. I am just having trouble identifying my motive behind my action. And it’s driving me insane. I’m worried that I was driven to handle her that way from the urge I had prior or the thought I had prior rather than practicing erp. I’m worried that I convinced myself immediately I didn’t do anything wrong to protect myself or because I’m in denial. I do know that I wasn’t aroused and I wasn’t thinking about sexual things. I was just hyper aware of my thoughts, feelings and actions and I was trying my hardest not to dissect and that made things worse..

@JohnS I’m worried that it wasn’t an ocd thought, that it was a real thought, that drove me to carry out the action and that I subconsciously gained some long awaited gratification from handling her that way since I’ve always avoided it and associated it with a sexual theme for so long.